Talking about a blog entry that was like a giant pile of jello: My failed attempt at describing the trans spirituality and shame

Well I want to address my last blog entry. I don't think it was written very clearly.

It's hard to describe something for which you have no words.

I grew up feeling a lot of guilt and shame over something I could not change. Who I am is exactly who God intended me to be. For whatever reason I am transsexual. I was born transsexual and rather than asking "Why would God ever do this to me?" because prior to transitioning being transsexual is really hellish, I think the question to ask is "What is this gift God has given me?" Because despite everything being trans is a gift, and it is one hell of a spiritual journey. I don't have the language to describe it because everything falls short and everything I say seems to come out wrong.

I don't want to get too cheesy here, and I'm really tempted to take my last entry down, but this blog is often how I think and how I am thinking through things.

Sometimes I do fail in describing an experience. Oh well. That's not the point.

I once tried to make a 3 foot cube of Jello. It collapsed all over the studio floor and it smelled bad. It was still pretty awesome: a glorious failure.

I think really the way to read my last entry is between the lines.

I know I was born to transition. I don't know why clearly. Were I given a choice I would absolutely go back and be born cis-female. This whole trans thing is a lot to live with and a lot to go through. I wasn't given that option, and I can honestly say I am a much better and more complete person than I would have been had I been cis. I hope whatever spiritual growth or lesson was intended by my transness is something I've learned and never have to do again, but...

Being trans is a blessing. Sometimes we don't get to choose our blessings.

I have this spiritual belief that there isn't really right or wrong. I don't want to say it would be wrong of me not to have transitioned. That would have been a spiritual death for me, but I can't say it would be "wrong." I can only do what I can, and I can only be who I am, and I think that letting guilt get in the way of the person I have the potential to be helps no one.

I don't know. I wanted to try to capture some of a really good conversation I had that helped me with a lot of insight and I feel that I failed rather miserably. Maybe it wasn't meant to be shared.

Oh well.