Why I need to have a "sex change"

Surgery is something that is really hard for cis gendered people to understand.

Basically, my entire life my sexuality has centered on me having a vagina. It isn't a fetish, or a sexual desire, it is who I am. Getting surgery to have a vagina isn't about fulfilling some sort of sexual kink. It's about being the person I already am. It's about being complete.

The thing about surgery, and transition in general is "How do you know?"

I mean, "How do you know you will be happier living as a woman than you are as a man when you have never experienced life as a woman? Is it possible that maybe you're just a really feminine man?"

or, for the situation I am in now

"How do you know you will like having a vagina? You were born with a penis. Isn't that how you should be?"

My answer to the first question is that prior to transitioning I wasn't sure, but I did know I had to try it. I knew that thinking about living my life as a woman was so consuming that I had to try it. I knew after I started living full time that I could never again live my life as a man and that I really needed to try hormones, that if I didn't like what hormones did well...I was going to be stuck in the middle, which I didn't want but I was willing to accept. I knew that every change I saw happen to my body and mind that was caused by hormones I loved.

I know that I love being a woman. It isn't about make-up, or cute clothing though I like both of them. I know that I love waking up with soft fleshy hips, and breasts. I know that when I touch feel my breasts it just feels right. That everything about how my body has changed just feels correct.

It is hard to explain. My body always felt wrong to me when it was male. I didn't like the way I looked. I didn't like the way it felt. It just felt wrong. It felt incorrect.

I know that the only thing about my body that still feels wrong is my penis (and testicles). It's the one part of my body that doesn't feel like it is a part of my body. It feels separate. It feels like a growth or a tumor or just something that is no supposed to be there. It is the one part of my body isn't a part of who I am.

My trans experience is an important part of who I am. My [currently] intersexed body is not. I would learn to accept myself if I was someone with an intersexed brain, but I have a female brain.

It isn't about being feminine. I am but it isn't about that.

It's not about wanting a more perfect body, or about feeling my sexually desirable, although the more feminine my body appears the more desirable and more perfect it seems. And I do want to be more desirable and perfect.

It's about needing my body feel right, to feel correct. It's how my chest felt wrong before I had breasts. It's how my muscle tone and firm narrow hips I had felt wrong and how not only do I love being softer and curvier it feels right. It feels like that is the way I should be. I feel like physically I am how I should be except one thing.

And well it's kind of a big deal.

Try being a sexually fulfilled and gratified woman without having a vagina. Having a handicapped sexuality is kind of a big thing.

Okay if this type of surgery didn't exist or wasn't very good I'd get by. But this surgery does exist and it has very good results. My vagina will look and feel just like I was born with it. And I know because I have transitioned and because I do truly love being female that I will love my vagina and it will feel good, and right and correct.

What this surgery means for me and to me is hard to understand if you ave never been in a similar circumstance. You probably can't imagine what it is like to so totally not identify with a part of your body, to feel so hindered by it, especially since it is something that looks like something that a lot of people have.

Imagine you were to grow a huge tumor on your genitals that hindered your ability to perform sexually, and that is pretty much what I have. That is the type of thing that you would do just about anything to have corrected if it was possible to correct.

This is why I need this surgery. This is why I can't pursue any goals which my hinder or delay my ability to have this surgery.

I know you don't understand, but please try to.

I set up this website:http://www.gofundme.com/nataliegatessrs.

This surgery costs a lot of money but it is acheivable. I am saving as much as I possible can to pay for this surgery. I have also applied to the Jim Collins Foundation.

Please try to understand that this life changing surgery is something that I need. Even as little as $1 puts me closer to my goal of getting this surgery in the United States. I know it is difficult to understand, and that some of my readers don't know me, but please go to my website and donate what ever you can.

I will be really really thankful and grateful. My transition and this surgery is the most important thing in my life. It's so important that I was willing to risk losing my family, friends, and social standing just to feel right in my own skin.

Thanks for reading my blog. Even if you can't donate to my vagina fund reading my blog regularly helps to pay for it.

Here's the link again.
http://www.gofundme.com/nataliegatessrs