For those of you who don't know, "pretendbian" is a derogatory term used for trans women who identify as lesbians. It plays into the belief that a trans woman can never be a "real" woman, that she is and can only ever be a man pretending to be a woman and a lesbian.
On one level total cis ignorance.I disagree with the idea that one relatively small body part dictates our personalities, and personal identities. For me being lesbian isn't about having a vagina and being attracted to other people with vaginas it is about preferring to participate in the type of sex that results from two female (bodied) people having sex. Hence the idea that someone can really be a lesbian trapped in a man's body. I for one never really enjoyed sex with a woman as a man. I've never had sex with a male bodied person as another male bodied person and I doubt I would have liked it.
Sexual identity is about the type of sex you prefer, not necessarily your ability to have it.
In this sense, yes some trans women are lesbians. The term "pretendbian" is derogatory.
Though I have to take it further. Cis people do have a little bit of credibility in this. They just don't know how to voice it. Some cis people will flat out reject a trans woman's lesbian identity as pretend simply because they aren't sexually attracted to trans women, or pre-op trans women.
Guess what. I'm not either. A woman with a trans past would have to appear very very cis for me to take much of an interest in her.This is simply sexual attraction, no more no less, and I can see how trans women lesbians threaten the sexual identity of cis women who define themselves sexually as lesbians and to whom genitals play a large role in their sexual preference.
Quite simply for someone who is used to self identifying as a person who is attracted to lesbians, having a large group of people who call themselves lesbians to whom you could never be sexually attracted to threatens your definition of your sexual self identity.
Yes, I strongly agree that having a penis makes me no less a woman, but to argue that it is prejudiced for someone not to want tohave sex with me because of it is really unfair.
I never felt comfortable defining myself as a lesbian. I think the standard definition of "lesbian" excludes trans people. I always said I was sexually attracted to women. Of course I would be more uncomfortable using my penis in sexual intercourse than I think most lesbians would be in having sex with me using my penis. I can't say that for certain, but that's not the point. I'm much more fluid in my sexual attraction than I am in my sexual identity, and my sexual identity doesn't really involve my penis.
Wow, this is starting to sound a little personal.
Actually, another reason I don't really feel comfortable with defining myself as a lesbian is because I don't think I am. Right now, I tend to find trans men more appealing than most women, and I think that it is a very real possibility that post surgery I'll tend to find men in general more appealing than women. Of course, I don't know. I do know that right now I don't usually notice cis guys.
Everything changes in transition.
I think basically, I am primarily heterosexual. Right now I'm a trans woman who is attracted to trans men. (Of course I definitely still find women attractive and will definitely still sleep with them. I don't see myself giving that up in the near future)
So I'm kinda left with this range of people I could be sexually attracted to which excludes trans women and cis men. It has nothing to do with me grouping the two groups in the same category; I'm trans and I do not consider myself to be male. It's simply that I do not find the cis or cis appearing penis to be sexually appealing.
The trans penis, or penises that trans men grow after being on T for a while...that's another story and another blog entry.
So this leaves me with the conclusion that yes "pretendbian" is a really hurtful and mean phrase to describe someones sexuality. Just because I have a penis doesn't mean I have any desire to use it as such. At the same time sexual attraction is sexual attraction.
I think sexuality is unique to every person. Let's try to move past labels or at least realize that just because you consider yourself a lesbian doesn't mean you are obligated to consider everyone else who considers herself to be a lesbian a potential mate, and it isn't discrimination when someone does not find you sexually appealing because of your anatomy.
No comments:
Post a Comment