This is going to be a quick entry. I'm not feeling well and I'm taking the night off from work. There's an "I Love Lucy" marathon on TV.
So I had beers with this guy I like and we talked briefly. Well we hung out for quite a while but only briefly about my blog entry about him. It wouldn't and couldn't work out, but at least he respects me and I do understand where he's coming from. I mean the beginning of transition is not the time to start a relationship for most people, I don't think. It certainly wasn't for me.
So I'm disappointed in the situation and I'm a little upset that I always seem to fall for people with whom it can't work out. Arghhh!
Right now I'm kind of on the prowl. IDK. I kinda of want two things right now. I want what I've wanted since my last relationship ended. I want something with someone that moves fairly slowly through friendship and eventually dating. I mean I don't want to commit to something serious with someone until they know me and I know them. I also kind of want something not serious and just fun. Someone to sleep with who makes me feel attractive. Honestly for me a big part of my sexual desire is about feeling desireable, and I kind of need that right now.
Well I don't "need" it, not like I "needed" to be in love with some girl to have any type of male identity. If I'm honest about my past I have to admit that a big part of the intense feelings I had for this one person were that it gave me some sort of identity as a male. Towards the end, right before she sent me a "Dear John" I was pretty miserable. I needed to transition, but I couldn't bring myself to let go of the idea of a relationship with her. On a certain level I knew a relationship wasn't going to cure me. Actually I was "cross-dressing" quite often and rather glad she lived in Northern VA. "How the fuck am I going to keep this out of her sight if were to ever be together?" Anyway, that's all in the past. My first entry was sometime fairly soon after that "relationship" ended.
Of all the relationships I've never desired one more and never been so miserable. If you know me you probably can imagine how miserable I would be trying to be a man. Ughhh. For me, living as a man was about the most horrible thing I can imagine experiencing...pure hell.
Anyway....I'm not that person anymore. I really have grown up a lot since transitioning. It seems that some people who transition later in life were able to have some sort of adult life before transitioning, but I think for those of who need to transition early it's a matter of not being able to mature really until we have corrected our hormone imbalances. So enough on that.
So....
What I really wanted to write this entry on is this: I tend to be attracted to FTM's. This makes me heterosexual? or bisexual? or gay? I mean I could be all three depending on your perspective. As a trans woman I understand that I was never really anything other than female and I really don't see trans men as anything other than male, but a lot of the times (and most of the trans guys I've hooked up with) look a lot like women. So if I like trans guys, and I tend to find them attractive regardless of where they are in their transition, does that make me bi? See the more I think about it the more I don't like our categories of sexuality. I think they completely ignore the trans experience and I think they are overly simple.
I mean, from a cissexual perspective I'm bi-sexual but I'm not really interested in a relationship with a cis man or trans woman, and in my experience I haven't really had a great time sexually with cis women. SO I really do have a sexual type but that type spans what from a cis perspective is two categories: female to male.
I don't know; label us the third and fourth sexes, but I don't like that either. I am no less a woman than any other woman nor is a trans man any less a man.
This is something that I find to be very interesting. This is part of what I want to go to grad school to study. I think this might be the topic of my research paper that I need to apply to the University of Maryland Women's Studies PhD program.
It has been such a long time since I've done academic research that I don't even know where to begin.
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