Recurring trans related body issues

Well, the cat is out of the bag at work as to me being trans.

It's funny. I've actually been avoiding writing in the blog, because I always post entries on my facebook page and I was kind of trying to stay stealth at work. I hope that it took people a little while to figure it out. Though no one has been messing up on the pronouns which is more than I can say about the gay bar I was working at before.

I'm not feeling well today. I had to call out sick. What I thought was probably a hangover at 9 in the morning turned out to be a bug. I got out of bed at 2 this afternoon, took a shower, let the dog out and spent five minutes vomiting water. I really didn't drink enough yesterday to justify a hangover like that. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Anyway I mention this because my thoughts are less positive when I am sick.

I want to re-emphasize that transitioning was the healthiest decision I have ever made, and I am really happy being a woman. Being a "man" was pure hell for me.

That said, I really wish I could be a cisgendered female.

It isn't about the childhood I missed, though I cried uncontrollably about that the moment I realized that there was no other explanation for feelings I had been fighting against from the time I learned I wasn't normal.

I guess this is what this entry is about: being normal. I guess that's why when I found out all my co-workers know I'm trans my heart sunk a little and I started seeing the "man" that I once was.

Trans women really are just like other women. I see those models in magazines and the actresses on TV and wish I could look like that. And I look good by all standards. I wish my voice wasn't as deep as it is, and that I didn't have an ongoing struggle with facial hair, that my jaw wasn't as square as it is, or my forehead as broad, that my shoulders weren't as wide, that my hips weren't quite as narrow.

I wish I had never had the experience of looking in a mirror and seeing the reflection of a man.

But I have.

I wish that I didn't feel like I needed to conceal my past. Or rather, revealing my past shows me up as being different.

I wish I could have children.

I have body issues. I think that really goes without saying. I have this love/hate relationship with my body and have for as long as I can remember. I remember hating that my hair color was the same as my father's when I was a little kid. I remember hating that looked like him. Small or big there have always been aspects about my body that I couldn't stand.

I wish I could have the type of sex I would enjoy.

I really try to explain this being trans thing to cisgendered people. It's hard because I don't really understand it myself. I have this need to be seen and accepted as female that is a driving force in my life. I was talking to my therapist about surgery, about how much I need it. How if that possibility were to be taken from me, it would probably be my end. I don't think I could live if it were a fact that my body would always have male parts. I also know that my need for surgery is becoming more and more of an issue for me.

When I think about all these things, about how important it is to me to be seen and accepted as female, the fact that my perception of the degree to which I appear masculine or feminine has such a powerful influence on my mood, how really nothing could have stopped me from transitioning short of death, I have to conclude that gender is somehow on the same level as instinct. That for whatever reason I was born with a female mind that absolutely has to be recognized as such.

Being trans is a blessing and a curse. I can't describe the joy I feel when I see the reflection of a beautiful young woman in my mirror. Having lived as a "man" I know how much I love being a woman, and I think that is a gift that only trans people get to experience. Yet there are times, even now over two years of hormones and living 24/7 as a woman, that I doubt myself, that I wonder if I'm not too masculine in looks and personality.

And then I think to myself that there probably isn't a woman in the world who doesn't have similar doubts occasionally.

I think that when it comes down to it, this whole trans experience is more simply a human experience, and that I'm really not as different as my body makes me feel sometimes.