Trans Spirituality

I just got back from shopping at the outlet malls in Williamsburg. I need new shoes for work. I picked out some really cute ones, then I helped my friend pick out a nice pair of men's slacks. He is working on building a new wardrobe. Anyway him and I always have the best conversations, and he inspired me to write this blog.

I love my trans guy friends. I really like hearing about the trans experience from a different perspective. Especially since it is basically the same experience. Obviously it's different; I have no desire to be a man, but it is really great to hear someone else describe having a very similar childhood experience to mine, like pretending to be sick to stay home from school, dress, and watch the transsexuals on Springer. I mean it's nice to know that it isn't just a mtf thing. Anyway...

The topic of spirituality isn't something I've covered much. It's a difficult topic for me to write about. It has definitely been somewhat of a struggle.

The biggest question was why? Why would God put me in the situation where I was labeled male and expected to act like a male. I am so poorly equipped to play that role, but for a large portion of my life I thought it was my moral obligation to make the best of it. Why would God have me born with a "male body," and not expect me to be "male. Especially reading that verse in Deuteronomy saying that a man dressed as a woman is an abomination to God. Talk about some heavy guilt and shame I experienced as a teenager.

The thing is, I really didn't want to be an abomination, but the only thing in my life I have ever had no almost no control over was my need to dress as a girl at least part of the time. I don't think I was ever a cross dresser; I was always transsexual, but for a time as a teenager I identified as one. I don't know how to describe it except to say it was absolutely a need of mine to see myself as female, just like now I don't think I am strong enough to ever see a "male" reflection in a mirror again. That is lost to me.

Another thing about it is, living as a male was pretty close to hell for me. When I thought it was my moral obligation because of how I was born, I couldn't imagine any God existing who was so cruel to expect me to live eternity as a male. So imagining heaven was basically impossible for me. Heaven was impossible for me before I transitioned.

So my transguy friend I went to Williamsburg with today and I always have the best conversations. I've only ever known one other person who was so engaging. She barely speaks to me anymore. I think me transitioning is only slightly easier for her than watching me slowly die living as a man, but that's another story.

We ended up talking a little about the spirituality of being trans. I think it helps that we have similar religious backgrounds; we're both Catholic.

Before I talk about our conversation I do want to address how I see that verse in Deuteronomy as applying to me. First of all there isn't any such thing as "men's clothing" or "women's clothing." A skirt is just a skirt it is only our culture that makes it a feminine article of clothing. So to read that verse as speaking against cross dressing is absurd. Humans use clothing as a form of communication. What I wear says something about who I am. I think what that verse is actually speaking to is our moral obligation to be truthful about who we are. I want to be clear I am not arguing against cross dressing. I'm arguing against dressing in such a way as to lie about who we are as God's creations. I think prior to transitioning I was an abomination, and as such heaven was impossible for me. People define "woman" in many different ways but who I am now and how I dress now is at least honest, and I see myself and the person God intended me to be in my reflection. Whereas before I saw my own creation: a shallow, hollow, imitation of a man.

Of course I also think God is patient. I didn't transition when I needed to, but I did transition and I feel I am being rewarded for that more so than I ever expected. From a Catholic point of view I see it as accepting my cross; being a trans person isn't easy. A cross is also very much so a blessing. Jesus did not want to go to his crucifixion but he accepted it as God's plan and in doing so he was the son of God. Given my choice I would have been born cisgendered, but I would be no where near the person I am.

Transition is such a unique experience. It's hard not to think of it as a religious experience. One, as trans people we have our deepest prayers answered more and more fully everyday. I mean I don't remember when I started praying to wake up and be a girl, it was probably earlier than I remember. Then one day that prayer was answered and I realized it had been answered before I even thought to pray it. The only reason I ever wanted to be a girl is because I am. Experiencing that, despite how difficult a cross transness can be, is pretty amazing. But you know it's also the empathy I have that I wouldn't have had as cis. I mean I fit in nreally well with what is expected from a woman; I did not have that experience as a man. I don't know that I'd have any empathy towards people who don't live up to their gender expectations had I never experienced not being able to. Also I think given my innate femininity, I have definitely benefited from learning to access my masculinity. I mean I already come across to people as really, really feminine. I don't know if I'd be able to survive very easily if I hadn't learned to butch it up a little.

There are strengths to both masculine and feminine ways of thinking.

It isn't easy for me to talk about my spirituality.I'm sure I've done a good job.