I think too much.
Well I spent yesterday thinking about my last blog entry where I talked about some of my hold ups about sex, also thinking about a lot of my insecurities about it.
I'm kind of in a difficult position. I don't want a "sex change" operation because I "want" to be female. It's more because I have the deep feeling that my body is just wrong.
I mean, I am really feminine. It isn't actually something I'm consciously aware of. I think I come across to others as being a lot more feminine than I feel. Unlike coming across as masculine, it doesn't feel false. It just isn't something I think about. Despite this, being transsexual is more about having this deep seated sense that my body is wrong. I've explained this before; I didn't transition to wear dresses and makeup, I transitioned to have breasts and (hopefully soon) a vagina.
Yeah, talk about a hell of a thing to come out of the closet about; "Hey, Mom..."
Anyway, take into consideration that I am really feminine and I have a penis. So...yeah I already have the typical body issues plus amplify that. There haven't been any campaigns for trans girls telling them their penis is beautiful.
Sex is kind of a big deal for me, at least anything involving my penis is. I mean, it's like if I had another sort of birth defect and people wanted me use it every time they want to get intimate with me.
I am also an artist, and though there has never been any positive penis campaigns for trans girls I do recognize that my trans feminine body is beautiful.
And it is kind of what I got.
I don't refrain from touching myself. Though it is [admittedly] a modified form of female masturbation.
Also growing up my entire sexuality was centered on having a body that I did not have. I have never been male in a single sexual fantasy I have ever had. On top of that most of my sexual fantasies were heterosexual. In other words I was the woman sleeping with a man.
Those aren't fantasies you admit to. I mean it's a little beyond being kinky.
No there is nothing wrong with it. Actually when I gave myself permission to try to understand myself from a trans point of view it makes perfect sense.
But take that into consideration also. Prior to coming out, everything I had ever expressed about my sexuality was a lie. It was a lie based on what I'd heard boys and men say, and a point of view that I don't understand and cannot ever understand. I don't know what it is like to have male sexual desires and can't. I never had them.
So prior to transitioning I had very little romantic experience. I still don't have a lot, and I'm almost 30. So as far as asking for what I would like...I don't have a lot of confidence or knowledge.
On top of all of this people confuse transsexuality with sexuality. My sexuality is very much influenced by my gender identity but my gender identity isn't really influenced by my sexuality. People assume that transsexuals are freaky in the bedroom.
I mean I've actually been pretty open to sexual experiences since I started transitioning, but the opportunity isn't really there that often. By any standards I'm beautiful, but most lesbians won't touch me with a ten foot pole and then (though this is probably a stereotype) men who are into to women like me expect some sort of really freaky sex. I mean just the comments of "I would like to try it with a girl with a little something extra" wink wink. Type of thing.
So I'm not really a prude, I'm just not really very freaky either. If you want to be with a shemale I'm going to disappoint. If you are capable of seeing me as just a normal woman who happens to have penis you pretty much have the right idea.
I've slept with one lesbian and several trans guys since transitioning.
The lesbian was expecting something different than what she got. I mean I think it is about "freaky sex" but not so much my limits as to what she thought I was. I met her ex, a trans woman who wasn't very feminine, and then in arguments or when she'd try to "out femme" me in some type of disagreement. I mean feminine is kind of my natural default.
Then the trans guys never wanted to expose their breasts. I get that. I spent the first couple of paragraphs talking a little about my relationship with my penis. I respect it also, and as it goes other than my own, I'm not that into breasts anyway. I mean I can take them or leave them, but it isn't something that tends to attract me. Of course..."you don't trust me with your breasts why would you expect me to trust you with my penis?" It isn't that I wanted to see or play with them but a lot of times it felt like I was more physically available to my partner than he was to me.
So there you have it. I spent yesterday thinking about my friend saying I wan't available enough and how much that sucks. Because I am who I am through circumstances and personality, and at least from the experience I have, it's kind of a double standard. Well...take away any specific people because I honestly don't know how comfortable this particular guy is with his body, and whether he does or would have the same limitations as other trans guys I've had experience.
Take in consideration also that I did have sex as a man, and I was for the most part "available." I mean it probably wasn't the kinkiest sex ever, especially since I had to be led, and blow jobs were not something I liked, but I wasn't a prude.
I mean the thing about my limits are...There is only one body part that I really am uncomfortable with. It really sucks that it is where it is but, I mean there has to be a way around that. Also when it comes down to it even if I was having "actual sex" it wouldn't really feel like it for me. So my limits are kind of just that: my limits.
Having a penis is for me like having a chastity belt.
Okay so of course all this leads back to the feeling of being an absolute undesireable freak. It sucks having limits imposed on my sexuality that hinders my ability to have relationships with the people I want to have relationships with. (of course there's other factors; he's likely gay for one. This is mostly hypothetical) Which of course leads back to those feelings of despair that this whole trans thing is sometimes.
I've been a while in transition so trans panic isn't for me usually all that intense, and I'm past the point where I could de-transition even if I actually wanted to, but here it is: Gender dysphoria
"Oh my god! Here I am undesireable to anyone because I don't fit in my body...still. This has to end. God I wish I could just die."
No I'm not actually suicidal. Actually I'm quite happy. Socially I fit quite well in the gender role I have, and physically I look like the type of woman I would like to look like. (yeah I wish I wasn't quite so huge, and I wish my shoulders weren't quite as broad, and my hips quite so narrow) It's just I want closeness. I want to be sexual in a way that feels completely comfortable and natural. I'm tired of a physical thing getting in the way...and I'm scared that even after I've had my operation people won't want to touch me with a ten foot pole. (even though mtf gender confirmation is almost perfect in function and appearance)
This trans shame sucks. Yeah, I still feel it, and to be honest with myself. I don't know whether I don't have any mtf friends because I haven't met any I have much in common with or if I just flat out still have some prejudice that "men" shouldn't try to be women. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so gung ho about trans rights and having others understand what I truly know to be true about being trans because I still kind of see my self as wrong, that I should have tried harder to be a man (even though I know that would have killed me).
I don't know, lot of thoughts. I think too much.
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