About having sex, and crushing on someone

I'm starting to have feelings for this trans guy and I know I shouldn't. That's what all my friends I've talked to about him say, and I agree with them. I want to say he's been sending me mixed signals, but the truth is I'm not sure that he has. I fell into that rap with someone else: thinking we were eventually going to have a relationship. It broke my heart repeatedly and now we don't even talk. I'm going to have to be more careful to keep this guy distant. I have to do that for myself. I mean, I don't deserve to be hurt, or at least I don't need to hurt myself.

So conscious ignoring signs and signals on my part.

I tried that before too. I don't know that I can. Enough about this. Maybe the best I can do is to acknowledge that I have feelings for a guy who probably doesn't have the same feelings for me, or who probably can't have the same feelings for me, a guy who has a lot of casual flings.

I don't really have casual flings. I don't know. I have in the past,  not that many. Here's what I wanted to write a blog entry about: sex.

Technically speaking I don't have sex. Yeah, all that "shemale" fantasy stuff is not really me. I'm just a pre-op transsexual; I'm not really interested in being this erotic third sex in the bedroom. Which makes sex kind of a difficult thing for me.

I don't know if I necessarily have to be in love with someone to have sex with them. I would have to be regarded as female.

Okay so I did have one relationship in the past where I had sex as a man. Yeah, I'm that innocent. Actually I think that's really common for mtf's, but I don't really have any mtf friends so I don't know. It seems that ftm's don't have the hold ups that mtf's do. That could really be a gender thing. I do want to adress that relationship. I needed it. We weren't really very emotionally close, but I liked her and trusted her. I needed to feel attractive and desirable at that time in my life and being in a sexual relationship helped me to feel that. Other than that one relationship I never had much luck as a guy. Part of it is because of my hold ups, part of it is because straight women generally speaking don't want to be in a relationship with another woman.

So it's complicated. Everything is complicated. Arghhh!!!!

It's not that I don't desire sex, it's that I don't want to be third gendered or male in sexual activity. That makes anything involving my penis kind of troublesome. I don't think it could work with a cisgendered person. Cis people don't understand having the physical attributed of one sex and actually being another sex. I can see the scenario of another trans person being capable of totally seeing me as female even while we were in the act of having sex, and that could be a beautiful thing.

That's where it becomes more of an issue with trust. I have issues with trust.

So I got my hair cut yesterday; it looks great. My hair stylist who is a friend of mine was talking to me about this trans guy I really like. Her thing was, "he wants something you're not willing to give him." He wants to have sex and I don't. I think that's a little oversimplified. One that is so archeotypical of guy/girl relationships, it's almost a stereotype. "He'as kind of a freak and you're kind of a prude, you're open minded buit until you get your surgery you're not into doing anything." I did say that about myself, of course I said that about myself only considering cis-sexual activity.

Being pre-op makes sexuality so fucking complicated.

What I would need, with him anyway, is an actual relationship. I don't think he's willing and/or ready for that with me. Actually I don't think he wants a relationship with me. It wouldn't be casual. Iv'e had casual relationships in the past, but I couldn't have that with him. I already have feelings towards him.

The other thing that makes this whole situation I'm in uncomfortable, is that even if I thought  I could coax him into a relationship I wouldn't do it. It has to come from his end. I know from my own experience that when I was in the early stages of my transition I didn't want to be committed to anyone. I mean it was so great to socially and more and more physically have the gender role and appearance that I always wanted. I wanted to flirt with, make out with, sleep with as many people as a female that I possible could. All the things I missed out on as a teenager and college kid I wanted to make up for. Hell I needed to make up for.

I had a trans boyfriend for like two weeks. It wasn't anything serious, and I knew it couldn't be. But there isn't anything wrong with that. It was something I needed and wanted to help me figure out who I am.

And that is a perspective I didn't have before. There is nothing wrong about being in a relationship that is not ever going to be serious.

So all this in a nutshell is that I think I could actually have sex with a trans guy (I'm not into trans girls) pre-op. I do have hold ups especially with trust and I don't think that my surgery is going to completely change that. I mean I will be much more comfortable with my own body and probably will be much more into sex, but a lot of it is just who I am.

I want an actual relationship. I deserve an actual relationship. The thing is that with me it's going to take some time. It isn't easy for me to let someone close to me (emotionally more so that physically actually). I hope whoever that person is, is willing to be patient with me.