The difference between men and women: What cis-people want to know

I was taking a shower and thinking about trans shame.

Yeah, fun.

Anyway, basically it's that I would love it if I got to a point where I looked completely cis. On days when I don't feel good about my appearance it's usually days that I think I look particularly trans. On the one hand this might just be me buying into the cultural ideal of what a perfect woman should look like, and no trans women should just embrace looking like a man in a dress.

It's a fine line between what is trans shame and what isn't.

But it did put me on the line of thought that we're kind of messed up as a society that my knowledge of the difference between men and women is something I should be ashamed of.

Okay. I don't know what it's like to be a man. I never felt like a man, never thought like a man, and I never even really identified as a man. I did, however, study men pretty thoroughly.

As in: What is the proper way to move and talk so that people don't whisper behind my back (mostly when I was younger and this is pretty easy to learn)
          What is the right way to express my opinions so people don't think I'm weird? (a little harder)
          What are the appropriately masculine opinions to form? How are men (am I) supposed to think? (pretty difficult actually)

So here it is: Now that I have lived (and passed) as both a man and a woman, the difference between being a man and being a woman. (I suspect this really is what most cis people are curious about)

Men think more logically and linearly except for when they don't.

Not too descriptive I know, and it doesn't say too much but I think that's the best I can do.

I can say that about 6 months into taking estrogen my thought patterns shifted from what I would call androgynous masculine to feminine. For about 3 months I had access to both worlds; I could think as much like a man as I ever could and I could think like a woman.

I don't have access to that thought pattern anymore, and I can't even imagine it. Actually were it not for the fact that I remember talking about it when it was happening and immediately after it happened with my therapist I probably wouldn't even remember that it happened.

Though occasionally I do come across something "Nathan" did intentionally (like a particular way of organizing or something I saved) that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. And it's kind of like "who was this person?"

I think I did think more linearly before. I think I remember discussing it with my therapist and that being the best word to describe it, but it is really a vast oversimplification.

Emotions: I have the same emotions I always had and even the same range I'm just more conscious of them. Testosterone gives you protection from your emotions. It really is kind of like a shell. I remember one day after the first time my NP upped my estrogen level I was walking somewhere and noticed every little comment about me, every little stare, and all these nuances I hadn't before, because my shell was gone. So I'm more vulnerable that way. But also, now it's much easier for me to recognize my emotions for what they are. Like I have always made decisions emotionally (a very feminine trait by the way) but now I am aware of more information. As a guy I definitely quit jobs and made drastic decisions based on emotions that I was feeling but wasn't really fully aware of. Like, now I doubt I would have quit my job as a sous chef when I did, because now I would be aware that it was primarily an emotional decision. Then I just rationalized until how I felt made sense.

So in that regard I think I function much better with estrogen than with testosterone. I think the way I think and always have thought is more suited to the information estrogen allows your brain to absorb.

On the other hand I am not as good at directions (as in where am I) and I can't make rapid decisions like I used to. Like expo-ing in a kitchen with about fifteen tickets and calling out directions, I didn't used to need to be as aware of what I was calling out. I could call for three burgers, four fries and whatever else and it they wouldn't be as clear in my mind as they are now, but without that clarity I was a little faster.

I wouldn't say other people would necessarily notice it, but maybe that has something to do with why in restaurants women tend to gravitate towards serving and men tend to end up working the line in the kitchen.

So sexism: Both sexes get it, and it was very frustrating for me when people perceived me as a guy how that influenced how they interpreted my opinions or what I said. Like complimenting someone's nail polish as a guy always came across as a little creepy and/or weird. I used to always justify it with "I majored in art and really like color." Being "gay" would also have been justification, I guess, but men do need some justification for noticing colors, and more frustrating for having emotions.

It's not just that it is more difficult to cry under the influence of testosterone but it usually comes across really wrong: horribly manipulative, self centered, and what not.

Of course my opinions did hold more weight when people perceived me as a man. People would stop, listen and consider what I said. (and ladies this holds true with both men and women). Like now when sometimes I'll say something that I think should really be considered and the conversation just continues as if I never spoke. Even a couple of times when the conversation was gender...which of course I had to really assert myself and be like "Well I'm a transsexual, and I kind of really know about gender and it isn't like that." But I also have to say that I'm never accused of being too quiet anymore, and people do listen more carefully to women (as in to actually hear us). Every job or social situation prior to transitioning I was always "soooo quiet" and told I needed to speak up.

I don't know I could go on bullet pointing a whole bunch of points and experiences about men and women, but that wasn't really the point.

I think that rather feeling pressure to feel ashamed of our trans experience we really should feel proud of our insight.

And yes, my nipples are much more sensitive than they were before.

And I never really "decided" to become a woman, it just wasn't something I could fight for very long.