break from electrolysis, got called "he" last night at work

     Today is Sunday, which means I'm taking a break from DIY electrolysis, and from the exercise routine I just started. If you haven't tried DIY electrolysis, let me tell you it hurts. It hurts much worse than I remember the professional did, of course at $50 for a half an hour of a professional and $50 for everything you need for DIY electrolyisis I think I'll keep doing it at home. Still, it hurts. It feels like sticking a tiny red hot poker into your face and then leaving it there for twenty seconds. Thank god I have an unusually high tolerance for pain. But I think maybe that comes with the trans territory. We kind of learn to detach ourselves from our physical bodies, or maybe not.
     Also today is a drag show at work and I got called "he" last night. A glass broke in the bathroom and I was trying to clean it up. I had to step out for a rag. Immediately some girl tried to block her.Either she didn't hear me or she ignored me. I had to be a little more forceful. I took my arm and blocked the doorway and said "I have to clean up a glass." She stepped back and her friend asked her "why?"
      "'cause he needs to clean up a glass."
      That is the first time that has happened to me in quite a while. I mean my boss occasionally slips and calls me "he," but she's older, and she knows I'm trans. The thing is, I really hate that I work someplace where I have to dress down. I've bitched about this my entire life, but now it's a little worse. In jeans and a t-shirt (even a nice feminine t-shirt) I look more androgynous. Well I look like a girl now, but I look like a really really big girl, and if you're looking for it, I look trans. Of course at a gay bar, people generally see that type of thing. The other thing is, I know that I never act any more masculine than the most masculine women who come into our bar, actually I rarely act more masculine than the typical woman who comes into our bar, but with my size and a couple of physical features, I almost have to act like a barbie in order to never be perceived as male. I never get called "he" in a straight environment. Even If I'm read or known to be trans. I rarely get read in a straight environment.
      The thing is. I hate being called "he," or rather I hate being thought of as "he." I spend an hour or more a day inflicting pretty horrible pain on myself and am saving for a very expensive surgery so that I'm not thought of as "he." I don't think "he" describes who I am at all, and I'm tired of giving people the impression that I'm a "he" even occasionally. I'm tired of the double standard. Women will come into our bar with their breasts strapped, dressed as men and walking and talking like men and will still be referred to as "she." I am pretty femme and all I have to do is be a little more direct. Also working in a kitchen it is really difficult not to be really direct some of the time. Every female cook I know has to communicate like a "guy" when she's busy.
     It seems like a double standard, but at the same time what if it is something I'm doing that makes me come across as a guy. I didn't start working until I was fourteen, and my work character developed as to how it was appropriate for a man to act at work, though let me say I am much more courteous than most men are. I don't know.
     All of this adds into my feeling that I want to work in a new profession and live in a different city where people have never known or even seen me as a guy, or even earlier in my transition when I looked more trans. I also really understand why so many trans women get FFS. Honestly, the thought of being "he" to some people even some of the time for the rest of my life makes me want to crawl up into some little hole somewhere and die. That is the drive that drives me.