It's late and I need to go to bed soon. I hope this won't be one of my longer blog entries.
One of my best friends recently got engaged. Our friendship goes back a long way and I could write a lot about it. Se was the first person I came out to (well my second first coming out but that's complicated), and I was the first person she came out to so we share that. More importantly she's the woman who helped me through my second adolescence, who helped me sort out the new emotional experience of being a woman, and who (before I started taking hormones and after) talked me through many cases of trans panic and told me things I needed to hear like "You're not a freak." So I'm really happy for her and her fiance. I really like both of them.
I find myself in a similar relationship with that trans guy I wrote about in a previous entry. Granted I've crushed on him and haven't known him as long, and our friendship reminds me of one I had with someone else who is very special to me also. I don't want to write to much of an explanation about this right now.
Suffice it to say that trans people need someone supportive through their transitions.
There were many times when I freaked out and questioned if I was doing the right thing, or when my transition seemed to be happening too fast. I needed someone to reassure me and be there for me in those moments of crisis.
Trans people need to transition. It's a drive that we have that there is no denying. If you haven't experienced I can't explain it to you except that my transition is the most important thing in my life: more important that any person or thing. When I tried to deny myself transition it caused such severe dysphoria that I could not be healthy.
We have other issues besides transition but they're impossible to take care of until we transition.
My experience with transition is that I've faced all the same challenges I did while living as a man, only I'm more capable of handling them
Still, when you finally reach that point where you realize that you need to transition, that it isn't just some desire you can repress, it's kind of a blow to your confidence. Or rather, I've always felt more confident dressed as a woman than I ever did dressed as a man, even when I didn't pass; it just feels right. But as a man I did have that "Oh I'm not transitioning. I'm not one of those people" type of thing that you throw away when your start transitioning. Plus I had years of experience telling me how to act in various different situations
As in: A man comes up to you in a dark alley with a knife. I'm fairly confident now that my reaction wouldn't get me read, which is a good thing, it might be the difference between getting mugged or murdered.
I'm not sure that I would have been read a year ago either or that I wouldn't be now, but what I do have that I didn't have a year ago is more confidence in being trans.
Jayson, showed up at my work last night. (yes I spelled his name correctly, fucking attention whore has to spell his name special). He's the crazy, effeminate, sociopath that lived with me briefly in the shittiest apartment in all of Richmond. (Oddly he took my engaged friend's room, a little over a year after she moved out).
here's that story again
He still hasn't apologized. But honestly, even if he were to apologize, sober up, start getting his life in order and taking personal responsibility for his actions I won't forgive him, or rather, I will not tolerate his company.
The thing is that it isn't just his actions it's the fact that he took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable. There is a special place in hell for people who take advantage of a transitioning transsexual.
We transition and we go through a year or two where we have to re-evaluate everything we ever learned about ourselves, and everything is in constant flux. People have thought of me as a woman for quite a while now, and people treat people they perceive as women quite differently than they do people they perceive as men, but they also treat a woman with C-cups differently than they treat a woman with A-cups. My body has looked female for a while but it looks significantly more female than it did six or even three months ago. Even people who don't understand what it means when someone is transgender, or even really believe it, treat me like the woman they see.
Transition isn't as simple as going to sleep one day as a man and waking up the next day as a woman. Thank God! But the truth is sometimes it feels like that. You go through all sorts of levels of passing really quickly, and have to adjust, like the first time I realized I was a sexual target (to some men) walking through the city. (I had a creepy guy follow me with his truck for nearly a mile).
Further all those issues that you have to put aside, or that you couldn't really handle without transitioning catch up with you at some point. When Jayson and his boyfriend moved in, I had just caught up on my own back rent and was seriously worried about being evicted if I didn't find someone to fill vacant room they took.
I think my financial difficulties of just over a year ago was the result of many of my actions as a "man." The fact that prior to transitioning I kept my dysphoria in check with drinking, expensive meals, not working, and not taking care of things. I'm glad I got through it, and that it is over. I wish I had transitioned when I first tried to (at 19) or when I first realized I wanted to (at 12) rather than when I realized I needed to. I might not have had the ordeal to go through that I did.
Irregardless, Jayson manipulated his way into my life and apartment, at a time when I was very vulnerable to being manipulated. And then, he took advantage of my situation and turned abusive when he couldn't control me or have things totally his way.
Now he has the nerve to try to manipulate me into friendship again? "Natalie, I love you." He says all whiny leaving the bar last night.
"I don't care." I respond.
This was a night of ignoring him, and when he brushed my wrist to get my attention telling him very firmly not to touch me and that I don't want to talk to him.
He blames everything on being manipulated by his boyfriend. His boyfriend is in jail for robbing a laundromat at gun point...not the most intelligent person in the world, not capable, and even were he... it doesn't make up for his actions.
But what I actually am trying to write about in this entry is trans confidence. I've grown and Jayson hasn't.
Well...he is starting to get kinda fat, but not the same thing. (I hope he also loses his hair and his teeth)
10 months ago I was afraid of a confrontation with him, now not so much. 10 months ago I was still trying o distinguish between myself and my male socialization. 10 months ago I was still a little ashamed of my male socialization.
Now, I sing "Whole Lotta Love," at karaoke.
What I used to be ashamed of is now a source of self pride.
I'm trans. I'm a trans woman. I transitioned from male to female. I am sexy, I am intelligent, and I am not ashamed of the abilities I gained by living as a man. I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet.
Jayson really isn't a very significant threat. He's more of a nuisance.
An effemintate, sociopathic drug addict, alcoholic, vs a healthy happy male to female transsexual...Please. No contest. I'm not the fucked up one.
Being trans is more of a blessing than it is a curse. And being trans is closer to perfection than it is to flaw.
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