Passing and not passing, beginning to think a little about facial feminization surgery

      I wish I didn't feel like I have to explain and justify my transition. Hopefully someday people will be familiar enough with trans people that I won't have to. I'm not ashamed of being trans. I really see it as a medical condition, but I wish the stigma attached to it didn't make people think of me as less of a woman because of it. Yesterday I met someone and she wanted to do my hair and make-up. I'm actually pretty satisfied with my make-up, but my hair is alright. I think I could probably figure out a more flattering way to wear it but I would actually appreciate the help. The thing is, I don't think she would want to do my hair and make-up if I weren't trans, and then she said "Oh it'll be great. I have a gay brother who likes to cross-dress sometimes so I understand." No...No you don't. I don't want to go stealth. I don't think it's right, or fair to younger trans people, but I'm thinking about FFS a little more often. I really don't need it, the only masculine feature about my face is my forehead and brow, but if I could take care of that and just have one less thing masculine about my appearance...maybe I could be more selective about who knows I'm trans and who doesn't.

     I guess though, I'm really "in your face" about it on facebook and my blog. Someone told me that the other day. I explained how if I had had trans role models when I was younger I could have transitioned when I should have instead of waiting until I couldn't avoid it any longer. I wouldn't have all the problems in my life that resulted from avoiding the inevitable. 

      I'd much prefer "Really? you're trans? I had no idea." to a sarcastic "seriously?" Though I do seem to get that more and more. A week or two ago some straight girl was in the bar asking about drag queens. "How do they hide their...uh...you know?" 

      "Well, they tuck."

     "They what?"

     "They tuck." 

      "What about their balls?" 

    "those pop up in their body cavity."

     Between the male bartender and I she decided the bartender probably knew more about it. So she called him over.

      "How do drag queens hide their junk? She asked.

      "Well they tuck it between their legs."

      "and their balls?" 

     "well..."

     This is when I decided to join the conversation. "I know all about tucking." I said.

     She looked at me completely shocked. "You know someone who tucks?!" she asked me.

    And then there was another time when I was drinking at Xtra's and for whatever reason I said "Well, I'm a transsexual."

      "Do you take hormones and everything." 

      "Yeah." I said.

      "So how long will it be before you look like a man?"

     Or one Karaoke night. "Do you realize everyone in here just thinks you are a woman?!"

      "Well...I am."

     A part of me regrets having transitioned so visibly, and being so open about transitioning. I almost wish I hadn't met so many people while transitioning, but of course even when I didn't pass at all I am just so much more outgoing and confident as a woman that I really meet a lot of people. I wonder whether it is my appearance or the fact that I've been so open during my transition that she knew I was trans. Of course I really do want to reach the point where is is a little incredible to people to think I am transsexual.

      Also there was the guy at the bank on Tuesday. "He left his debit card in the ATM outside."

     "She," I said, "I'm a she"

     I was reminded by someone that even cisgendered women are sometimes mistaken for boys or men. So I think maybe the best thing I can do right now is to not worry about it. It isn't necessarily just a trans experience. Also I realized the other day, right after leaving the bank, when someone calls me "he" or a man they aren't "reading" me they are mistaken.

     Still, I don't think it is so vain to want to get rid of those features that I think are making me appear masculine. 

      Another theory as to why I've been getting mistaken for a man so much recently. I have been doing alot of electrolysis on my upper lip and chin and it's been irritating my skin. Maybe it looks somewhat like a shadow under my make-up. Of course this will pass and someday I won't have to ever shave my face again. It is strange how each hair I pluck out makes me feel more free. It's kind of like when I first started presenting as a woman and I just felt so much less restrained. It's like my my facial hair has been kind of a prison and I didn't even realize it until I started getting rid of it permanently. Of course sticking that probe into  some of the hairs does make my eyes water. Oh well.

     One day this will all be over. I think the bulk of it already is. With in a couple years I won't have a penis, I won't be shaving my face and I'll basically be normal. As normal as is possible for me. More normal than I have ever been in my life. I'm looking forward to that. I hope that by then I also have c cups and never get referred to in the masculine.