Advice for anyone thinking about transitioning, or some things to know if you are in a relationship with anyone in transition

     Well I had a good night at Karaoke, and I ended up with a transgendered cabbie. I got hir number so I now have preferred driver. (Actually I don't know what pronoun zi prefers so I'm using these)
     Anyway I found out a person I know is about to transition or thinking about transitioning or in transition already and just doesn't know how far to take it. I tried to give advice about transitioning last night but I was too drunk really. I never wrote the blog entry about deciding to transition. I'm going to try to do that now.
     I've left my first entries up which were before I transitioned because it was important for me (prior to transitioning) to read blog entries from people about to transition. I read my first entry recently and it isn't quite as bad as I was thinking, but still...kind of embarrassing. Oh well. I think it is important that people be able to see it.
     Transition is a big decision and the only person who can make that decision is the person about to transition. Talking with other people about it can be helpful but really no one knows you like you do. I mean I talked to people for years prior to transitioning and when I finally did "come out" to my parents my mother told me I was such a masculine person, :) LOL. People see and interpret things the way they want to. It's hard for people now to imagine me as a man but I never acted particularly masculinely. Anyway it's good to talk to people, especially if you trust them, but I think it isn't a good idea to allow them to help you decide whether or not to transition. Keep in mind that the people in your life will lose someone if you do transition and as fake as that person feels to you, it doesn't feel fake to others.
      One nice thing to keep in mind is that regardless of bad advice when it comes to transition the only decision you will be capable of is the right decision. I can't even begin to say how many times I decided not to transition. Every morning I woke up and decided to be a man, I really only had to decide to be a woman once and the rest just kind of happened. In retrospect, trying to make the decision not to transition was not something I was capable of. So there it is. For a transsexual deciding to transition is really only an illusion.
      Another nice thing to keep in mind is that transition is not becoming someone else and it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's hard for me to actually say when I started transitioning. You don't have to know how far you want to take it when you start transitioning. Transition really is only changing things until you feel comfortable. Maybe that means hormones and surgery or maybe it only means dressing more androgynously than you do now. When you feel comfortable with yourself you stop.
      Transition is not learning a new gender, gender role, or anything else. On the one hand people will react to you differently when you come across as a different gender and they will interpret what you say differently also, but you just react and adjust. Even if you are particularly dense you'll adjust. It's misleading to call us ftm's and mtf's because really we were always male and female. Sex change is really just a misconception. Your sex is in your brain and is pretty much set in stone the moment you were born. So you're not learning to be male or learning to be female you already are. Hormones merely allow you to experience the adolescence you should have had, and would have had were it not for a chemical imbalance. Everyone goes through adolescence and learns how to act as an adult man or woman. It isn't any different for a transsexual, we just do it later. We're late bloomers so to speak. That's okay.
     You don't even need to know your gender identity before you begin transitioning. The only thing I knew when I started transitioning was that I needed present and interact with other people as a woman. Although I'm not a cross-dresser and in actuality never was I had to accept that possibility. Maybe you aren't male or female. The only way to know is to start transitioning. Start by doing what you know you need to do and stop when you feel like it. A lot of mtf's stop shy of surgery. I know I need it but only because I went through all the other steps first. I strongly suspected it before I transitioned, but now I know.
      I also want to talk a little about transpanic. That sense of being overwhelmed by the though of being transition. The "I can't do this, I can't possibly be that person, what if I go through all this and then find out I'm wrong?" feeling. When that happens when you are thinking about transitioning just remember that you aren't deciding everything at once. Maybe the only thing you're deciding is whether to wear eyeliner or not. You don't need to panic about such a small decision. If you are already in transition just take a breath and think "Am I more comfortable with myself now than I was before?" and then because you don't have to go any further than you need "Is this enough?" Eventually you'll stop having transpanic attacks, or they start to be really mild. I occasionally doubt myself and ask "am I really female, do I really need to transition or am I just some really sick guy?" but then I ask myself whether I would go back to who I was before transitioning and I realize just how much I love having the female body that I have. And then I laugh at all the really transsexual things I did even as a little child that I was totally unaware of or didn't think about when I was terrified of transitioning.
      Approach transition honestly and you have nothing to be scared of. Don't feel pressured to go further than you need to go, and don't be scared to not go far enough. Transition is becoming yourself and everyone is in transition all the time. Transition is only being true to yourself.
      Finally transition might end some relationships. So might other things. All relationships eventually end even if it be by death. Don't be afraid to transition because you fear losing something you aren't promised anyway. I mean you could die tomorrow or have a heart attack five minutes from now why be afraid of losing something in the future, you might not have it anyway.
      Sorry about the rather vague paragraph I just wrote.  I do just want to quickly say to anyone in a relationship with a transsexual that transition is adolescence. Your partner will start thinking and acting differently, it's really boy into man, and girl into woman. You might lose that sweet boy you're partnered with and end up with a nice man. And that girl is going to start thinking like a woman with all our illogical emotions and preferences. I said it earlier, dating a transsexual is not going to give you a break from the typical male/female, male/male, or female/female disagreements. Don't expect that it will, and don't expect us to be able to understand the opposite sex any more than anyone else. I lived as man. It wasn't particularly easy. I never really understood "other men," before I started hormones. Now I don't even understand the person that I was. I am not capable of thinking like a man any more, and it causes problems when people think that I can.
     

MTF drag king?

     I bought a new dress today. It has straps but I think I can tuck them in and wear it strapless. I seriously enjoyed shopping today. I might have to do it more often. I needed to be a little girly today. I had a rough week of people calling me "he," though the more I think about it, I think it's because my expectations of "passing" have changed. Early on in my transition I just wanted to be accepted as a trans woman, now it's really important for me to be accepted as a woman the trans part being irrelevant. The rebel in me is actually getting kind of motivated to do drag, female to male drag; I want to perform as a drag king.

     It's been almost a year and a half since I've dressed as a man, and I'm actually really glad of that fact. The thing about drag that I find attractive is the chance for me to own my past as well as put it behind me. Performing as a drag king would kind of be a way of saying this man that people thought I was was only performance. See. It also would push gender boundaries (in Richmond) that really need to be pushed. I own my femininity and my sexuality as much as any other woman does. I think it's a little unfair that drag is closed to me.

     I find drag really interesting as a transsexual. In college I wrote a paper about Patsy from Ab-Fab and how she was a female bodied drag queen. Basically I argued that drag is an over exaggerated  performance of one gender by a person with a different gender. Patsy is a very masculine character in her thoughts and actions but adopts a very exaggerated feminine image. I think this definition still holds but it occurs to me that there is another side to drag as well. It is also a gay parody of heterosexuality. Drag queens mock femininity and thus as gay men also mock heterosexuality. It's kind of saying "You don't think it's okay for me to be attracted to men but you would be fine with it if I looked like this." Of course most real women don't resemble drag queens. I think this parody is less and less relevant as homosexuality is more and more accepted. People don't view homosexuality as wrong and thus drag really isn't pushing any limits anymore, at least the drag in Richmond that I've seen. I wonder whether drag is artistically relevant. 

     In a sense me performing as a drag king would be really reminiscent of earlier drag when homosexuality wasn't as accepted. I would be rebuking the assumption of heterosexuality that haunted me pre-transition because I was attracted to women. It kind of would be saying "You call me straight? Here's straight for you," and it says something about my gender identity, sexual identity. For me or another mtf  to mock masculine heterosexuality would really help to  make a point about gender identity and sexual identity that I think a lot of people just don't get. Drag is about gender and gender identity not about physical sex. It isn't a male performing as female, it is a man performing as a woman and vice versa.  Performing as a queen makes a statement about me and my gender that I am not comfortable making, however performing as a king would be entirely relevant.

     I don't know that I would want to do it more than once. For me, despite the artistic and social relevance of an mtf drag king, it really would be more about putting something behind me.

      

Post transition or most of the way through transition Transsexuals in relationships

     People are actually reading these blog entries. That makes me happy. As little as I talk at work, I really am an extrovert. Actually it's been a good thing because this last week I've needed some reassurance about my appearance.
     Also I'm finding out that some people I know have dated or are dating transitioning transsexuals.  People don't really know what to think of us. "...Well he was really pretty, but we never had sex" talking about an mtf, or rather I think she hesitated about the pronoun. One thing I think is odd is that I could tell she had experience with a transwoman the first time we met. I kind of want to ask them about the experience, but then again I guess it's kind of personal. I wonder whether they stumble over the pronoun because they are trying to be clear with other people or whether we really are all that in between. I think it depends on how far someone is in their transition.
      About six months into hormone therapy I started to lose the ability to think like a guy. It isn't that I began thinking like a girl, I probably had begun doing that much earlier, but I lost these thought processes that I used to have. I'm still the same person but I don't really have the same thought process that I once had. For the first six months or so I probably thought in a more gender neutral way, and before hormones I probably thought more masculinely, though probably never quite like a cisgendered male. It bothered me at first but after talking to my therapist I realized that it really isn't any different from moving from child to adult. Yeah I can't exactly relate to the person I once was, and I don't have any unique perspective on how men think, but I can't and don't with children either. It's kind of once we change we forget who we were. We can remember the past but we think in the present.
      I kind of want to ask these people about their experience with these trans people. I mean sexually, I gather, trans-women generally don't want or enjoy sexual activity using their penis. At least I don't. So, we don't really have sex.  We're kind of limited to heavy petting and making out. (Of course I am a really good kisser and have amazingly perky breasts). What I'm really curious about is personality. We're all different. I think some of my relationships in the past have suffered because of unrealistic expectations about my personality, and I kind of want to find out what type of expectations these people have about personality.
      One person I dated very briefly said once "if you were a normal girl I'd think you were too prissy." I absolutely could not let it go. The thing about it is I could see and hear myself acting that way girls do that drives guys nuts but I honestly couldn't let it go. "What does that mean?" and "Don't touch me." I think she had an expectation that somehow dating me would mean a break from all the pain in the ass girly emotions and thought patterns and it really doesn't. A year earlier perhaps it would have.
      Of course there is also natural personality. I have a very feminine personality. Dating me is almost like dating a straight girl in many ways. Perhaps that is why I'm attracted to masculine women. I like the femme/butch dynamic. I am attracted to masculine genders . I wonder why no one seems to take gender into account when talking about sexuality. I mean it seems that everyone has a preferred gender they are attracted to as well as sex. I guess being a femme attracted to butches makes me heterosexual in a gendered sense. But anyway...
      I think that some transwomen have very masculine personalities. I think I've also suffered from the assumption that we all have somewhat masculine personalities, that we have to learn femininity. For me, it wasn't anything I learned, and I just know how to wear a dress. There is expressing gender and there is expressing gender identity. Ultimately wearing makup, and dresses is more about expressing my natural gender than it is about expressing my gender identity, though it does both. I make sense in heels and a dress I don't think all trans women do. Of course I think having been denied our gender identity for so long we feel the need to perhaps express a more feminine gender than we naturally have... We all eventually settle into something natural.
      The problem is the assumption people have that trans people are all similar. A lot of trans women do have masculine genders that doesn't mean we all do. Perhaps that is the old primary vs secondary transsexual that used to be used in diagnoses. Maybe that's why I don't have much in common with the mtf tranny groups. I found my support with cisgendered women. I actually tend to have more in common with cisgendered women than with the other trans women I've met, but I think that  might be the case with "primary" transsexuals.
       Of course also having experience with a secondary transsexual and expecting me to be similar is a mistake. Basically with me you get everything you would get with a cisgendered woman psychologically as well as all the annoyances.

Confidence in passing and in myself and my sexuality challenged a bit recently

     Okay so I just got back from the grocery store and the checkout girl kept referring to me as he. I had to look in the mirror when I got home. I'm sorry after nearly sixteen months on hormones and a rather androgynous body to begin with I don't think I look like a man, but I've been getting a bunch of this over the past week or so. I started "passing" several months before I started hormones I wonder why all of a sudden I'm getting this.
       So I've had quite a blow to my confidence over the past week or so, but I'm not going to let it get to me. I do pass.
      Anyway so much of my identity is wrapped up in my being female that when I feel like I'm losing that or don't have that I kind of lose my sense of self. I spent most of my life as a guy not really sure who I was, or defining myself by things I did or places I lived. I was never "Nathan," I was "Nathan who lived in Richmond," or "Nathan the cook," or "Nathan the manager," etc. I think some of my blog entry just kind of questioning my sexual identity is some sort of reaction to this being "read" as male over the past week or so.
     One thing about being transsexual is that as a teen I didn't get to go through that process of self discovery that most teens do. As a teen everything I wore, or did, or liked, or disliked was mostly based on what I thought was acceptable for the type of man I wanted to be perceived as. So I really didn't get to explore that much about myself.
     One of the first things I noticed about myself as a woman is that I like all the same colors and things that I liked as a little kid. Also I started to see the adult version of who I saw in the mirror as a child. Some of these things I think people take for granted. When other people don't "see" my truth, it makes me doubt my truth a little. When I start to doubt my truth, my femaleness I start to lose myself. I wonder whether this is a self-perpetuating cycle. I was called "he" last week at work,  so I doubt myself just a little, that shows and someone else calls me "he" and I doubt myself a little more etc.
     What I need is to somehow get past being "read" as a man by these few people, because deep down I really do know that I am female, and there are certainly cis-gendered women physically very similar to me. The only reason they don't get "read" as male is because they know they won't be.
      Anyway with kind of all this doubt in my mind it isn't that surprising that I would doubt my sexuality even a bit. I mean, maybe I am a bit more bisexual than my practices, and maybe after my operation I will enjoy sex with a man. I don't know, I don't think I've ever known, but I think that "normal" life of being part of a "straight" couple was never really anything I could have had. I guess maybe that normality is more attractive to me right now having been called "he" so much recently.
       One thing I realized last night being surrounded by all these really attractive young lesbians, and some decent looking men, is that it's more about wanting to be perceived as normal that makes sexual activity with a man seem attractive. Allowing myself to think of the reality of that experience is basically the same as it has ever been...I don't think I would enjoy the reality.
      So I guess I'm back where I started. Anyway I really hope I get through this "he, him, his" thing really soon. I have a positive attitude about it. One thing metaphysical my therapist said was "when you tell the universe you want something, the universe sends out a bunch of challenges. Once you get through them you get through them and you never have to deal with them again."
       I think that it really was only recently that I have come to realize that though I don't want to "go stealth" I don't want people to think of me as transgendered. I'm not transgendered. I want people to think of me as just another woman, and I don't want my trans experience to hinder that. I want people to know about my trans experience and know that I was always female and that I always will be and that that is what being a transsexual is all about. So I think that having realized that and having stated that the universe is like "you think you can be thought of as a woman all the time by everyone? Lets see if you really believe it. Here's some challenges to that."
      Anyway I'm cooking ham and scalloped pineapple for dinner.

Some thoughts about my last blog entry

     I just re-read my last post. I also just got back from work. Right now I wouldn't feel comfortable with a man sexually and that is really all that matters, also seeing all the lesbians at work...I am definitely still attracted to women. I'm going to keep this post short. I am in a lot of ways like a teenage girl. I just hope it's endearing.
     I'll write more tomorrow. It's 4 in the morning and I'm tired.

What if I'm straight?

Well it's late and I might as post this.
     I have always been attracted to women. When I started hormones almost 16 months ago I was aware that that could change. Several months into hormones I tried making out with a guy. It didn't have the spark that kissing a girl does. A year into hormones I still wasn't attracted to guys so I figured it probably wasn't going to change. Actually a year into hormones I had already dated two lesbians. I figured that I was a transsexual lesbian and I was actually rather happy with that.
      Lately I've started to have sex dreams about some of the men I know. Sex dreams are kind of a new thing for me. I only ever had one as a guy and it was more sexual than it was a sex dream. In it I was with a girl I knew and we wanted to kiss but for some reason we couldn't. These dreams I've been having lately are definitely sex dreams. I'm also really beginning to wonder what it would be like to date men. Just recently I saw a guy take off his shirt and I was like...hey.
     Honestly, I don't know. As a man I was somewhere between bisexual, heterosexual, and asexual. Honestly probably more asexual than anything else, but I did want a relationship and I did think of myself as being in a relationship with a woman. Actually I really couldn't imagine ever connecting with a man well enough to want a relationship with him, and sex (believe me) was more of something I felt obligated to do not something I actually desired, and it made me a little nervous. It was something that if I had to do I'd rather do it with a woman because I trust women a lot more than I do men.
     My sexual desire has increased ten fold with estrogen. It is actually one of the things that has really convinced me that I most certainly have a female brain, because even before the estrogen changed my body I was thinking about and desiring physical contact like I never had before. My male sexuality was really undeveloped. I wasn't really capable of sexually developing fully as a man. I just don't have that in me. I think I always basically had a female sexuality. I think it was stunted because I wasn't able to receive the hormones I needed to mature sexually and the thing I appreciate most about estrogen is having been able to experience sexuality more fully than I ever imagined was possible. How does a female sexuality develop? If you have gone through female puberty I'd appreciate any feedback.
      Would it be normal for a "straight" girl to initially be attracted to really masculine girls or really feminine guys before she started finding men attractive? I mean I remember when I was twelve it seemed all the girls had crushes on the really physically feminine boys. The other thing is that I kind of learned not to really trust guys. They were always the ones who picked on me, and when I was really young and pretty honest about thinking I should be a girl they were the ones who thought that was really weird. I wonder how much of my aversion to dating them is nothing more than not trusting them, or because the idea of two men together is really kind of gross to me and it really is only now that I've come to regard my body as female. I look like a woman when I am naked...except for the obvious.
     My life would be much easier if I did date men. Also I'm beginning to lose interest in the gay community. The truth is I don't want anyone touching my penis, and considering our genitals are rather important to who we are sexually I might not even know until I have my surgery. I wonder if I'm going to be one of those straight transsexual women who leave the gay community and live fairly normal heterosexual life. I also know that a lot of lesbians did date men before they realized they were gay...Considering my background wouldn't it be kind of the same thing for me to date women...even after coming out as transsexual.
     I can say that coming out as "straight" would not be the easiest thing for me to do. Also it really is a bit of a mind trip because I've defined myself as being attracted primarily to women for a long time now. It's weird to know that my sexual identity is more fluid than I would like to believe.

Passing and not passing, beginning to think a little about facial feminization surgery

      I wish I didn't feel like I have to explain and justify my transition. Hopefully someday people will be familiar enough with trans people that I won't have to. I'm not ashamed of being trans. I really see it as a medical condition, but I wish the stigma attached to it didn't make people think of me as less of a woman because of it. Yesterday I met someone and she wanted to do my hair and make-up. I'm actually pretty satisfied with my make-up, but my hair is alright. I think I could probably figure out a more flattering way to wear it but I would actually appreciate the help. The thing is, I don't think she would want to do my hair and make-up if I weren't trans, and then she said "Oh it'll be great. I have a gay brother who likes to cross-dress sometimes so I understand." No...No you don't. I don't want to go stealth. I don't think it's right, or fair to younger trans people, but I'm thinking about FFS a little more often. I really don't need it, the only masculine feature about my face is my forehead and brow, but if I could take care of that and just have one less thing masculine about my appearance...maybe I could be more selective about who knows I'm trans and who doesn't.

     I guess though, I'm really "in your face" about it on facebook and my blog. Someone told me that the other day. I explained how if I had had trans role models when I was younger I could have transitioned when I should have instead of waiting until I couldn't avoid it any longer. I wouldn't have all the problems in my life that resulted from avoiding the inevitable. 

      I'd much prefer "Really? you're trans? I had no idea." to a sarcastic "seriously?" Though I do seem to get that more and more. A week or two ago some straight girl was in the bar asking about drag queens. "How do they hide their...uh...you know?" 

      "Well, they tuck."

     "They what?"

     "They tuck." 

      "What about their balls?" 

    "those pop up in their body cavity."

     Between the male bartender and I she decided the bartender probably knew more about it. So she called him over.

      "How do drag queens hide their junk? She asked.

      "Well they tuck it between their legs."

      "and their balls?" 

     "well..."

     This is when I decided to join the conversation. "I know all about tucking." I said.

     She looked at me completely shocked. "You know someone who tucks?!" she asked me.

    And then there was another time when I was drinking at Xtra's and for whatever reason I said "Well, I'm a transsexual."

      "Do you take hormones and everything." 

      "Yeah." I said.

      "So how long will it be before you look like a man?"

     Or one Karaoke night. "Do you realize everyone in here just thinks you are a woman?!"

      "Well...I am."

     A part of me regrets having transitioned so visibly, and being so open about transitioning. I almost wish I hadn't met so many people while transitioning, but of course even when I didn't pass at all I am just so much more outgoing and confident as a woman that I really meet a lot of people. I wonder whether it is my appearance or the fact that I've been so open during my transition that she knew I was trans. Of course I really do want to reach the point where is is a little incredible to people to think I am transsexual.

      Also there was the guy at the bank on Tuesday. "He left his debit card in the ATM outside."

     "She," I said, "I'm a she"

     I was reminded by someone that even cisgendered women are sometimes mistaken for boys or men. So I think maybe the best thing I can do right now is to not worry about it. It isn't necessarily just a trans experience. Also I realized the other day, right after leaving the bank, when someone calls me "he" or a man they aren't "reading" me they are mistaken.

     Still, I don't think it is so vain to want to get rid of those features that I think are making me appear masculine. 

      Another theory as to why I've been getting mistaken for a man so much recently. I have been doing alot of electrolysis on my upper lip and chin and it's been irritating my skin. Maybe it looks somewhat like a shadow under my make-up. Of course this will pass and someday I won't have to ever shave my face again. It is strange how each hair I pluck out makes me feel more free. It's kind of like when I first started presenting as a woman and I just felt so much less restrained. It's like my my facial hair has been kind of a prison and I didn't even realize it until I started getting rid of it permanently. Of course sticking that probe into  some of the hairs does make my eyes water. Oh well.

     One day this will all be over. I think the bulk of it already is. With in a couple years I won't have a penis, I won't be shaving my face and I'll basically be normal. As normal as is possible for me. More normal than I have ever been in my life. I'm looking forward to that. I hope that by then I also have c cups and never get referred to in the masculine.

      

paranoia about a cheesy retreat

     Well this all might be mild paranoia, then again maybe it isn't. Kerri, one of the trannies in the JRTS also is a receptionist at the fan free clinic. Well she came in last night with Deshaun who is some type of administrator there and I swear they were talking about me, or rather Kerri was talking about me to Deshaun. I swear I heard "Natalie" quite a bit. I caught bits and pieces of this conversation. Of course every time I walked by it seemed as if their voices got a little lower, but the gist of the conversation if I understood it right was this:  I've really tried to talk to her and get her back in our group but she just refused. It's weird that Natalie has no transgendered friends. I think that is a serious problem...That's why I think we should have a retreat.
      Hell no. I'm not going to go to some sort of cheesy male to female retreat. At least not if it is going to be what I suspect; make-up lessons, tips on passing, and a bunch of people who have never read any sort of trans theory whatsoever. Now I admit that all this might be my imagination. I would never confront anyone about any of this. That would of course be the difference between a little bit of sane paranoia and mental illness. But it does give me an idea for my next op/ed. I think I am going to write about the trans community or lack of trans community in Richmond.
       My biggest problem with trans support groups is that I prefer not to discuss my personal problems in a large group, and JRTS is huge. Also I think having a support group for everyone on the mtf "spectrum" is ridiculous. I am female psychologically, and socially if not completely physically yet. Why would you include me in a group that also contains cross-dressers who are psychologically and socially men? A better "support" group would be for female identified transsexual people, or better female identified transsexual people who are about the same age and have something in common. As of yet every time I have attended a meeting or sat with that group when they come into Babe's I have been drowned out in conversation or had to listen to conversation I have found pathetically boring; man stuff, motorcycle repair, home repair, how often you should get a manicure.
      I would like an mtf friend, but she is going to have to be someone I actually have something in common with.

Writing for gayrva, and a little more about the "trans spectrum"

     I am writing for GAYRVA. My first opinion piece is currently pending. The editors still need to do whatever before they post it. So....hopefully this will lead to something else. I think my next opinion piece might be on the "double standard" that transwomen face. It really is kind of interesting especially in the gay community.
     Trans really is something entirely different from gay. Not too many gay people really understand trans people and that is a shame. Of course, I don't know that trans people really understand trans people. It really is a hard thing to understand. I mean, quite honestly it is hard to believe in. I struggled with that. It just doesn't seem possible that someone could be born into the "wrong" body. Especially since the current theory is a "trans spectrum" with cross dressers on one end and true transexuals on the other.
     I think the "spectrum" hurts how people understand transsexuals and how we understand ourselves. People think that we are men who somehow love dressing like women so much that we decide we want to live like women, or that cross-dressers necessarily must feel like they are partially women. First I think cross-dressing doesn't need to be validated. Whether it is sexual, a psychological escape, fun, thrilling or a combination doesn't matter. It should still be respected. I found that I absolutely could not understand myself when I tried to think of myself as an "extreme cross-dresser." I don't think anyone else can understand me that way either. Honestly the best way to understand me is to totally forget the trans thing and think of me like any other woman. That seems hard for people to do. Especially since the spectrum makes it seems that I am somehow different from any other woman.
      The thing about gender identity is there are plenty of very masculine women who aren't trans, and there are plenty of trans women who are also very masculine. If you accept that a trans woman is a woman than you have to expect the same diversity in women that you would find in any other group of women. Even the most masculine woman still wants to be identified as a woman.
      Growing up I read all sorts of anti-trans feminist writings, and some of the more conservative women's groups don't accept trans women as members. The argument went that transsexual women are actually the most chauvinistic of all men. That we are psychologically disturbed and make ourselves into the most stereotypical women possible and then dominate women's groups. These writers probably hadn't met too many trans women or they hadn't been able to "read" them. Also had they maybe have accepted even just hypothetically what all trans women say, that we really are women, then maybe they could have seen what it actually says about our society that a lot of trans women have had to become stereotypes to be accepted as women.
      We all know that being born with a vagina does not mean you will grow up an love manicures, and high heel shoes. Why should being a trans woman mean that? The thing about thinking about trans people in terms of a spectrum is that you end up thinking about gender in the same terms that feminists have fought so hard to move our society beyond.
      Transsexuals teach us that gender identity is much deeper than genitals. A woman is more than her vagina. I would think that most people would like that lesson. Really probably the best thing for everyone involved is that we take transsexuals at their word, try not to place us in separate categories that we don't belong in.
     For example; I'm kind of limited as to the homosexual activity I am physically capable of, but when I describe myself as a lesbian I am saying more than "I am attracted to women." I'm also describing the type of sexual activity I am interested in. Having my male parts seen or touched is something that makes me really uncomfortable. Physically I might be a bisexuals dream but psychologically I'm not.
     

break from electrolysis, got called "he" last night at work

     Today is Sunday, which means I'm taking a break from DIY electrolysis, and from the exercise routine I just started. If you haven't tried DIY electrolysis, let me tell you it hurts. It hurts much worse than I remember the professional did, of course at $50 for a half an hour of a professional and $50 for everything you need for DIY electrolyisis I think I'll keep doing it at home. Still, it hurts. It feels like sticking a tiny red hot poker into your face and then leaving it there for twenty seconds. Thank god I have an unusually high tolerance for pain. But I think maybe that comes with the trans territory. We kind of learn to detach ourselves from our physical bodies, or maybe not.
     Also today is a drag show at work and I got called "he" last night. A glass broke in the bathroom and I was trying to clean it up. I had to step out for a rag. Immediately some girl tried to block her.Either she didn't hear me or she ignored me. I had to be a little more forceful. I took my arm and blocked the doorway and said "I have to clean up a glass." She stepped back and her friend asked her "why?"
      "'cause he needs to clean up a glass."
      That is the first time that has happened to me in quite a while. I mean my boss occasionally slips and calls me "he," but she's older, and she knows I'm trans. The thing is, I really hate that I work someplace where I have to dress down. I've bitched about this my entire life, but now it's a little worse. In jeans and a t-shirt (even a nice feminine t-shirt) I look more androgynous. Well I look like a girl now, but I look like a really really big girl, and if you're looking for it, I look trans. Of course at a gay bar, people generally see that type of thing. The other thing is, I know that I never act any more masculine than the most masculine women who come into our bar, actually I rarely act more masculine than the typical woman who comes into our bar, but with my size and a couple of physical features, I almost have to act like a barbie in order to never be perceived as male. I never get called "he" in a straight environment. Even If I'm read or known to be trans. I rarely get read in a straight environment.
      The thing is. I hate being called "he," or rather I hate being thought of as "he." I spend an hour or more a day inflicting pretty horrible pain on myself and am saving for a very expensive surgery so that I'm not thought of as "he." I don't think "he" describes who I am at all, and I'm tired of giving people the impression that I'm a "he" even occasionally. I'm tired of the double standard. Women will come into our bar with their breasts strapped, dressed as men and walking and talking like men and will still be referred to as "she." I am pretty femme and all I have to do is be a little more direct. Also working in a kitchen it is really difficult not to be really direct some of the time. Every female cook I know has to communicate like a "guy" when she's busy.
     It seems like a double standard, but at the same time what if it is something I'm doing that makes me come across as a guy. I didn't start working until I was fourteen, and my work character developed as to how it was appropriate for a man to act at work, though let me say I am much more courteous than most men are. I don't know.
     All of this adds into my feeling that I want to work in a new profession and live in a different city where people have never known or even seen me as a guy, or even earlier in my transition when I looked more trans. I also really understand why so many trans women get FFS. Honestly, the thought of being "he" to some people even some of the time for the rest of my life makes me want to crawl up into some little hole somewhere and die. That is the drive that drives me.