about "passing", and some life goals, and less about being a bridesmaid than I wanted to write

Okay. Once again I am writing in the library and don't have much time.

I have so much to say also.

Oh well.

Anyway first I want to write a little about passing, yet again. Anyway I was in a wedding this weekend as a bridesmaid, and went to a bachelorette party, a rehersal dinner and of course a wedding. I swear there were a lot of other trannies at the club we salsa danced at for the bachelorette party; that or a lot of cis women look like trannies. it's hard to tell. One of them was actually kind of hot, I thought, but I am really attracted to boyish looking women.

I was perhaps a little overdressed for the rehearsal dinner. Oh well. Anyway afterwards I went to Babe's, (the lesbian bar in Richmond). I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. This guy from across the bar smiled at me and waved a little bit. I ignored him. I hate to make assumptions about people, but being as he was at a gay bar and quite effeminate I think it was fair to assume he was gay. It weirds me out a little when gay guys hit on me.

Actually on a note I realize when I really started to be read as a woman because gay men stopped flirting with me and gay women started.

Anyway after I got my beer I went outside and saw this girl who kind of looked like Bob Dylan, the sexy one from the early sixties. I went up to her and asked to bum a cigarette, then told her she looked like the 1960's Bob Dylan. She said she got that alot. I told her that I liked women that looked like Bob Dylan and we talked a little bit. That guy from the bar came to our table and started talking to me.

"You look great. I just love meeting other drag queens" He said.

I layed into him. "I am a transsexual. I am not a drag queen and I hate being compared to drag queens. Also I do not like men."

He asked me why.

I said they were generally not very interesting and for the most part look like trolls.

Actually all of a sudden the girl I'd been trying to meet found me pretty interesting and gave me her number. The guy whose pick up line blew up in his face kind of left us alone.

I don't look like a drag queen.

I looked pretty cisgendered in my bridesmaids dress, which I hadn't steamed and was much more wrinkly than I would have liked. My date told me I looked amazing, and I was probably more comfortable standing in front of everyone being a little self conscious about how much bigger I was than the other bridesmaids than I ever was attending a wedding as a guy sitting in the back row.

That's a gender thing I guess. I'm not really faking anything anymore.

My date told me I totally passed. The thing about it, and the thing I thought about this morning when I was leaving the grocery store and heard someone say "That's a man." is passing isn't that much of a thing anymore.

I mean on the one hand I really don't like being read as a man. On the other hand. Whoever said that totally misread me. Being a "man" implies so many things that just flat out don't fit me anymore. For one thing it implies that at some point in my day I am going to do something as a man. It's been 2 and a half years since I've done anything as a "man," if you even want to say I was ever a man. Also it would take more effort for me at this point to look like a man than it does for me to look like a woman and quite frankly I just have no desire to do that.

So passing really has kind of come down to "passing as what?"

Yes. Sometimes it does bother me when I don't pass as cisgendered. I don't know why I feel like I need to, but it does bother me sometimes when people see my transness.

Then again, I am trans, and I'm relatively proud of that.

And as far as passing as a woman goes, I just can't imagine anyone thinking I fall into the category of man.

I mean I think the worst I could get is to be read as is as a trans person. I can't imagine anyone seeing me and thinking man.

Actually last night I met this girl at a straight bar where I sang karaoke. She wasn't sure enough to ask me even when she was drunk. She brought up a story about her transitioning friend instead. And when I came clean to her she admitted that she didn't really know until I said something.

So really. What is "passing" to me anymore. I "pass" as a woman? I am a woman, so of course I "pass."

The word "passing" implies that I am convincing people of being something that I'm not. Quite honestly I'm not doing that. I think passing is a little irrelevent to me now.

Yeah I did transition. It's in the past, and it's further in the past every day.

Also. I slept with a man for the first time. Yeah. I don't know have time to say anything about that now.

And when I get married I think I'm going to have karaoke at the reception.

I made a resolution, because I want to meet more people who have the potential to be really important in my life, and because I do want to fall in love with someone and get married, and because I just don't want to decote my life to people and things I don't care about: I'm going to get myself in a situation where I only do things and only hang out with people I love.

I spent most of my twenties trying to be someone. Now I'm just going to try to be myself.

First goal. I want to earn my income writing.