Stressing out

Well I burnt a whole bunch of pork at work. I left it in the oven overnight at 350 when I was supposed to leave it in overnight at 200. Anyway I am near panic attack about this.

As a teenager I used to stress out about work. I worked in a restaurant for three years and for the first two I was convinced I was on the verge of being fired. Turns out I wasn't. They were very happy with me. Anyway I outgrew that nervousness about working, or thought I did. I am seriously stressing out making mistakes at work and it's getting to the point that I think it might be a real issue.

I need to start making income on my own, apart from an employer, just to relieve some of this stress. I mean. I don't necessarily have to quit my day job, but I think I do need to start making a significant portion of my income elsewhere.

I don't think it is healthy to worry about everything as much as I am.

Plus I need to make a significant amount more money than I already make, like double.

On a positive note I'm on page 102 of the novel I'm writing, and I feel pretty good about it. It's a bit of a mess right now but I think it won't be that difficult to clean up and I think it will sell.

I look more like a novelist than I do a cook.

I think what is happening is that I'm getting to the point in my life where I can't work for other people. I think with writing, I might have finally found something that will actually pay some bills and I won't have to answer to a boss or follow a set schedule. I have this personality where I like to have projects and free reign to complete them as I see fit, not tasks to complete. I think that is why in school I was never much for math homework but I really got into papers and art projects.

Writing is a lot of work, and right now my novel, my blog, my hubpages etc. feels much more important to me than my day job. My day job pays the bills but hopefully my writing is my career. My heart isn't in cooking like it used to be, if it ever really was.

I hate to say I peaked as a cook, but I kind of feel like I did when I was 26. I know more now than I did then, and I think my recipes are much better but it's not something I get excited about anymore, and it isn't something I want to take home with me. Though I still really enjoy cooking at home; that's different.

Plus one thing that really bothers me, and always has really, is wearing kitchen clothing. I hate that my shoes don't look clean, and my jeans are stained and I have to wear old t-shirts most of the time. I feel like dressing in a more professional manner definitely fits my personality more.

I should be the girl who always looks put together, and doesn't chip her nails at work.

The thing is, I have a great kitchen job. It's pretty close to what I've been looking for in a restaurant for a long time. The food we send out is something I can take pride in and I get to be creative at work. It is a pretty cool thing that I get to make pies, and roast turkeys and get paid for it.

I guess the thing is: I'm thirty. I know who I am and I'm pretty happy with that person. I am finally (basically) happy with the body I have and my appearance. I like being the person that I am. I just feel like cooking is this holdover from a person I never really was to begin with.

Oh and on another note: I sang karaoke last night and ended up having to carry my boots when I walked home. I passed a woman on the street at 2 in the morning. She wished me happy mardigras. It's a wonderful thing to be identified with rather than held with caution; she would never have wished me a happy mardigras in the same situation if I looked like a man.