Lesbians, Pretendbians, and the rest of us

I just read a blog entry on "Pretendbians" and thought I'd post some thoughts on the whole concept.

For those of you who don't know, "pretendbian" is a derogatory term used for trans women who identify as lesbians. It plays into the belief that a trans woman can never be a "real" woman, that she is and can only ever be a man pretending to be a woman and a lesbian. 

On one level total cis ignorance.I disagree with the idea that one relatively small body part dictates our personalities, and personal identities. For me being lesbian isn't about having a vagina and being attracted to other people with vaginas it is about preferring to participate in the type of sex that results from two female (bodied) people having sex. Hence the idea that someone can really be a lesbian trapped in a man's body. I for one never really enjoyed sex with a woman as a man. I've never had sex with a male bodied person as another male bodied person and I doubt I would have liked it. 

Sexual identity is about the type of sex you prefer, not necessarily your ability to have it.

In this sense, yes some trans women are lesbians. The term "pretendbian" is derogatory.

Though I have to take it further. Cis people do have a little bit of credibility in this. They just don't know how to voice it. Some cis people will flat out reject a trans woman's lesbian identity as pretend simply because they aren't sexually attracted to trans women, or pre-op trans women.

Guess what. I'm not either. A woman with a trans past would have to appear very very cis for me to take much of an interest in her.This is simply sexual attraction, no more no less, and I can see how trans women lesbians threaten the sexual identity of  cis women who define themselves sexually as lesbians and to whom genitals play a large role in their sexual preference. 

Quite simply for someone who is used to self identifying as a person who is attracted to lesbians, having a large group of people who call themselves lesbians to whom you could never be sexually attracted to threatens your definition of your sexual self identity. 

Yes, I strongly agree that having a penis makes me no less a woman, but to argue that it is prejudiced for someone not to want tohave sex with me because of it is really unfair.

I never felt comfortable defining myself as a lesbian. I think the standard definition of "lesbian" excludes trans people. I always said I was sexually attracted to women. Of course I would be more uncomfortable using my penis in sexual intercourse than I think most lesbians would be in having sex with me using my penis. I can't say that for certain, but that's not the point.  I'm much more fluid in my sexual attraction than I am in my sexual identity, and my sexual identity doesn't really involve my penis.

Wow, this is starting to sound a little personal. 

Actually, another reason I don't really feel comfortable with defining myself as a lesbian is because I don't think I am. Right now, I tend to find trans men more appealing than most women, and I think that it is a very real possibility that post surgery I'll tend to find men in general more appealing than women. Of course, I don't know. I do know that right now I don't usually notice cis guys.

Everything changes in transition. 

I think basically, I am primarily heterosexual. Right now I'm a trans woman who is attracted to trans men. (Of course I definitely still find women attractive and will definitely still sleep with them. I don't see myself giving that up in the near future)

So I'm kinda left with this range of people I could be sexually attracted to which excludes trans women and cis men. It has nothing to do with me grouping the two groups in the same category; I'm trans and I do not consider myself to be male. It's simply that I do not find the cis or cis appearing penis to be sexually appealing.

The trans penis, or penises that trans men grow after being on T for a while...that's another story and another blog entry.

So this leaves me with the conclusion that yes "pretendbian" is a really hurtful and mean phrase to describe someones sexuality. Just because I have a penis doesn't mean I have any desire to use it as such. At the same time sexual attraction is sexual attraction. 

I think sexuality is unique to every person. Let's try to move past labels or at least realize that just because you consider yourself a lesbian doesn't mean you are obligated to consider everyone else who considers herself to be a lesbian a potential mate, and it isn't discrimination when someone does not find you sexually appealing because of your anatomy.

Feeling pretty satisfied with life and relationships

Sometimes I'm really glad I bike to work; it gives me a chance to think.

Had a weird week. Actually let me take that back and say that rather I've been presented with a new situations and experiences this week that I haven't had before. I'm not going to go into details.

Basically I had a chance to think about my week and the change in my relationships with several of my friends and though I'm stepping into new territory, I'm comfortable with it, and I don't need to do anything. I don't need to write any letters, or explain myself. Actually I'm pretty much happy with things as they are.

Anyway not a good blog entry, but thought I'd post an update.

A little about transsexual sexuality, questions about categories

This is going to be a quick entry. I'm not feeling well and I'm taking the night off from work. There's an "I Love Lucy"  marathon on TV.

So I had beers with this guy I like and we talked briefly. Well we hung out for quite a while but only briefly about my blog entry about him. It wouldn't and couldn't work out, but at least he respects me and I do understand where he's coming from. I mean the beginning of transition is not the time to start a relationship for most people, I don't think. It certainly wasn't for me.

So I'm disappointed in the situation and I'm a little upset that I always seem to fall for people with whom it can't work out. Arghhh!

Right now I'm kind of on the prowl. IDK. I kinda of want two things right now. I want what I've wanted since my last relationship ended. I want something with someone that moves fairly slowly through friendship and eventually dating. I mean I don't want to commit to something serious with someone until they know me and I know them. I also kind of want something not serious and just fun. Someone to sleep with who makes me feel attractive. Honestly for me a big part of my sexual desire is about feeling desireable, and I kind of need that right now.

Well I don't "need" it, not like I "needed" to be in love with some girl to have any type of male identity. If I'm honest about my past I have to admit that a big part of the intense feelings I had for this one person were that it gave me some sort of identity as a male. Towards the end, right before she sent me a "Dear John" I was pretty miserable. I needed to transition, but I couldn't bring myself to let go of the idea of a relationship with her. On a certain level I knew a relationship wasn't going to cure me. Actually I was "cross-dressing" quite often and rather glad she lived in Northern VA. "How the fuck am I going to keep this out of her sight if were to ever be together?" Anyway, that's all in the past. My first entry was sometime fairly soon after that "relationship" ended.

Of all the relationships I've never desired one more and never been so miserable. If you know me you probably can imagine how miserable I would be trying to be a man. Ughhh. For me, living as a man was about the most horrible thing I can imagine experiencing...pure hell.

Anyway....I'm not that person anymore. I really have grown up a lot since transitioning. It seems that some people who transition later in life were able to have some sort of adult life before transitioning, but I think for those of who need to transition early it's a matter of not being able to mature really until we have corrected our hormone imbalances. So enough on that.

So....

What I really wanted to write this entry on is this: I tend to be attracted to FTM's. This makes me heterosexual? or bisexual? or gay? I mean I could be all three depending on your perspective. As a trans woman I understand that I was never really anything other than female and I really don't see trans men as anything other than male, but a lot of the times (and most of the trans guys I've hooked up with) look a lot like women. So if I like trans guys, and I tend to find them attractive regardless of where they are in their transition, does that make me bi? See the more I think about it the more I don't like our categories of sexuality. I think they completely ignore the trans experience and I think they are overly simple.

I mean, from a cissexual perspective I'm bi-sexual but I'm not really interested in a relationship with a cis man  or trans woman, and in my experience I haven't really had a great time sexually with cis women. SO I really do have a sexual type but that type spans what from a cis perspective is two categories: female to male.

I don't know; label us the third and fourth sexes, but I don't like that either. I am no less a woman than any other woman nor is a trans man any less a man.

This is something that I find to be very interesting. This is part of what I want to go to grad school to study. I think this might be the topic of my research paper that I need to apply to the University of Maryland Women's Studies PhD program.

It has been such a long time since I've done academic research that I don't even know where to begin.

My actual sexual experience as a trans woman, and some pretty intense feelings of gender dysphoria last night.

I think too much.

Well I spent yesterday thinking about my last blog entry where I talked about some of my hold ups about sex, also thinking about a lot of my insecurities about it.

I'm kind of in a difficult position. I don't want a "sex change" operation because I "want" to be female. It's more because I have the deep feeling that my body is just wrong.

I mean, I am really feminine. It isn't actually something I'm consciously aware of. I think I come across to others as being a lot more feminine than I feel. Unlike coming across as masculine, it doesn't feel false. It just isn't something I think about. Despite this, being transsexual is more about having this deep seated sense that my body is wrong. I've explained this before; I didn't transition to wear dresses and makeup, I transitioned to have breasts and (hopefully soon) a vagina.

Yeah, talk about a hell of a thing to come out of the closet about; "Hey, Mom..."

Anyway, take into consideration that I am really feminine and I have a penis. So...yeah I already have the typical body issues plus amplify that. There haven't been any campaigns for trans girls telling them their penis is beautiful.

Sex is kind of a big deal for me, at least anything involving my penis is. I mean, it's like if I had another sort of birth defect and people wanted me use it every time they want to get intimate with me.

I am also an artist, and though there has never been any positive penis campaigns for trans girls I do recognize that my trans feminine body is beautiful.

And it is kind of what I got.

I don't refrain from touching myself. Though it is [admittedly] a modified form of female masturbation.

Also growing up my entire sexuality was centered on having a body that I did not have. I have never been male in a single sexual fantasy I have ever had. On top of that most of my sexual fantasies were heterosexual. In other words I was the woman sleeping with a man.

Those aren't fantasies you admit to. I mean it's a little beyond being kinky.

No there is nothing wrong with it. Actually when I gave myself permission to try to understand myself from a trans point of view it makes perfect sense.

But take that into consideration also. Prior to coming out, everything I had ever expressed about my sexuality was a lie. It was a lie based on what I'd heard boys and men say, and a point of view that I don't understand and cannot ever understand. I don't know what it is like to have male sexual desires and can't. I never had them.

So prior to transitioning I had very little romantic experience. I still don't have a lot, and I'm almost 30. So as far as asking for what I would like...I don't have a lot of confidence or knowledge.

On top of all of this people confuse transsexuality with sexuality. My sexuality is very much influenced by my gender identity but my gender identity isn't really influenced by my sexuality. People assume that transsexuals are freaky in the bedroom.

I mean I've actually been pretty open to sexual experiences since I started transitioning, but the opportunity isn't really there that often. By any standards I'm beautiful, but most lesbians won't touch me with a ten foot pole and then (though this is probably a stereotype) men who are into to women like me expect some sort of really freaky sex. I mean just the comments of "I would like to try it with a girl with a little something extra" wink wink. Type of thing.

So I'm not really a prude, I'm just not really very freaky either. If you want to be with a shemale I'm going to disappoint. If you are capable of seeing me as just a normal woman who happens to have penis you pretty much have the right idea.

I've slept with one lesbian and several trans guys since transitioning.

The lesbian was expecting something different than what she got. I mean I think it is about "freaky sex" but not so much my limits as to what she thought I was. I met her ex, a trans woman who wasn't very feminine, and then in arguments or when she'd try to "out femme" me in some type of disagreement. I mean feminine is kind of my natural default.

Then the trans guys never wanted to expose their breasts. I get that. I spent the first couple of paragraphs talking a little about my relationship with my penis. I respect it also, and as it goes other than my own, I'm not that into breasts anyway. I mean I can take them or leave them, but it isn't something that tends to attract me. Of course..."you don't trust me with your breasts why would you expect me to trust you with my penis?" It isn't that I wanted to see or play with them but a lot of times it felt like I was more physically available to my partner than he was to me.

So there you have it. I spent yesterday thinking about my friend saying I wan't available enough and how much that sucks. Because I am who I am through circumstances and personality, and at least from the experience I have, it's kind of a double standard. Well...take away any specific people because I honestly don't know how comfortable this particular guy is with his body, and whether he does or would have the same limitations as other trans guys I've had experience.

Take in consideration also that I did have sex as a man, and I was for the most part "available." I mean it probably wasn't the kinkiest sex ever, especially since I had to be led, and blow jobs were not something I liked, but I wasn't a prude.

I mean the thing about my limits are...There is only one body part that I really am uncomfortable with. It really sucks that it is where it is but, I mean there has to be a way around that. Also when it comes down to it even if I was having "actual sex" it wouldn't really feel like it for me. So my limits are kind of just that: my limits.

Having a penis is for me like having a chastity belt.

Okay so of course all this leads back to the feeling of being an absolute undesireable freak. It sucks having limits imposed on my sexuality that hinders my ability to have relationships with the people I want to have relationships with. (of course there's other factors; he's likely gay for one. This is mostly hypothetical) Which of course leads back to those feelings of despair that this whole trans thing is sometimes.

I've been a while in transition so trans panic isn't for me usually all that intense, and I'm past the point where I could de-transition even if I actually wanted to, but here it is: Gender dysphoria
"Oh my god! Here I am undesireable to anyone because I don't fit in my body...still. This has to end. God I wish I could just die."

No I'm not actually suicidal. Actually I'm quite happy. Socially I fit quite well in the gender role I have, and physically I look like the type of woman I would like to look like. (yeah I wish I wasn't quite so huge, and I wish my shoulders weren't quite as broad, and my hips quite so narrow) It's just I want closeness. I want to be sexual in a way that feels completely comfortable and natural. I'm tired of a physical thing getting in the way...and I'm scared that even after I've had my operation people won't want to touch me with a ten foot pole. (even though mtf gender confirmation is almost perfect in function and appearance)

This trans shame sucks. Yeah, I still feel it, and to be honest with myself. I don't know whether I don't have any mtf friends because I haven't met any I have much in common with or if I just flat out still have some prejudice that "men" shouldn't try to be women. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so gung ho about trans rights and having others understand what I truly know to be true about being trans because I still kind of see my self as wrong, that I should have tried harder to be a man (even though I know that would have killed me).

I don't know, lot of thoughts. I think too much.

About having sex, and crushing on someone

I'm starting to have feelings for this trans guy and I know I shouldn't. That's what all my friends I've talked to about him say, and I agree with them. I want to say he's been sending me mixed signals, but the truth is I'm not sure that he has. I fell into that rap with someone else: thinking we were eventually going to have a relationship. It broke my heart repeatedly and now we don't even talk. I'm going to have to be more careful to keep this guy distant. I have to do that for myself. I mean, I don't deserve to be hurt, or at least I don't need to hurt myself.

So conscious ignoring signs and signals on my part.

I tried that before too. I don't know that I can. Enough about this. Maybe the best I can do is to acknowledge that I have feelings for a guy who probably doesn't have the same feelings for me, or who probably can't have the same feelings for me, a guy who has a lot of casual flings.

I don't really have casual flings. I don't know. I have in the past,  not that many. Here's what I wanted to write a blog entry about: sex.

Technically speaking I don't have sex. Yeah, all that "shemale" fantasy stuff is not really me. I'm just a pre-op transsexual; I'm not really interested in being this erotic third sex in the bedroom. Which makes sex kind of a difficult thing for me.

I don't know if I necessarily have to be in love with someone to have sex with them. I would have to be regarded as female.

Okay so I did have one relationship in the past where I had sex as a man. Yeah, I'm that innocent. Actually I think that's really common for mtf's, but I don't really have any mtf friends so I don't know. It seems that ftm's don't have the hold ups that mtf's do. That could really be a gender thing. I do want to adress that relationship. I needed it. We weren't really very emotionally close, but I liked her and trusted her. I needed to feel attractive and desirable at that time in my life and being in a sexual relationship helped me to feel that. Other than that one relationship I never had much luck as a guy. Part of it is because of my hold ups, part of it is because straight women generally speaking don't want to be in a relationship with another woman.

So it's complicated. Everything is complicated. Arghhh!!!!

It's not that I don't desire sex, it's that I don't want to be third gendered or male in sexual activity. That makes anything involving my penis kind of troublesome. I don't think it could work with a cisgendered person. Cis people don't understand having the physical attributed of one sex and actually being another sex. I can see the scenario of another trans person being capable of totally seeing me as female even while we were in the act of having sex, and that could be a beautiful thing.

That's where it becomes more of an issue with trust. I have issues with trust.

So I got my hair cut yesterday; it looks great. My hair stylist who is a friend of mine was talking to me about this trans guy I really like. Her thing was, "he wants something you're not willing to give him." He wants to have sex and I don't. I think that's a little oversimplified. One that is so archeotypical of guy/girl relationships, it's almost a stereotype. "He'as kind of a freak and you're kind of a prude, you're open minded buit until you get your surgery you're not into doing anything." I did say that about myself, of course I said that about myself only considering cis-sexual activity.

Being pre-op makes sexuality so fucking complicated.

What I would need, with him anyway, is an actual relationship. I don't think he's willing and/or ready for that with me. Actually I don't think he wants a relationship with me. It wouldn't be casual. Iv'e had casual relationships in the past, but I couldn't have that with him. I already have feelings towards him.

The other thing that makes this whole situation I'm in uncomfortable, is that even if I thought  I could coax him into a relationship I wouldn't do it. It has to come from his end. I know from my own experience that when I was in the early stages of my transition I didn't want to be committed to anyone. I mean it was so great to socially and more and more physically have the gender role and appearance that I always wanted. I wanted to flirt with, make out with, sleep with as many people as a female that I possible could. All the things I missed out on as a teenager and college kid I wanted to make up for. Hell I needed to make up for.

I had a trans boyfriend for like two weeks. It wasn't anything serious, and I knew it couldn't be. But there isn't anything wrong with that. It was something I needed and wanted to help me figure out who I am.

And that is a perspective I didn't have before. There is nothing wrong about being in a relationship that is not ever going to be serious.

So all this in a nutshell is that I think I could actually have sex with a trans guy (I'm not into trans girls) pre-op. I do have hold ups especially with trust and I don't think that my surgery is going to completely change that. I mean I will be much more comfortable with my own body and probably will be much more into sex, but a lot of it is just who I am.

I want an actual relationship. I deserve an actual relationship. The thing is that with me it's going to take some time. It isn't easy for me to let someone close to me (emotionally more so that physically actually). I hope whoever that person is, is willing to be patient with me.

A self portrait collage I did in high school

I was going through some boxes of old stuff of mine and came across this self-portrait collage I did for photography class in high school. I was looked like a cute boy with kind of a Beatles' haircut, as in how they wore their hair just before they grew it long. Anyway the collage had a photo of me among a bunch of magazine cut outs I thought represented who I was. There were actually quite a bit of trans references in it, hidden of course but not really.

This isn't going to be a long entry. I just wanted to write a quick blurb about it.

Sometimes I look back on my life and think of myself almost as two people. There was my guy-self and then there was my true-self. It's easy to think of myself as having been at some point a normal boy. The truth is and it shows in that collage. I was always a very transgender boy. I actually am not so transgender as a girl. It's easy to brush over the fact that every day in high school I was struggling with the question "Why do I feel like I need to be a girl so bad?" That every night I browsed the internet for hours looking for something that would definitively make me transsexual or better that would make me not transsexual.

When I realized that I had to transition I definitely thought back on how my entire life prior to transition was centered around the fact that I was a female trying to live a male life.

I failed utterly at that.

Or rather, I doubt others really see it that way. The truth is I failed utterly to gain some sort of peace with myself and my body as a male: something that actually comes rather easily to me as female.

It's easy to look back on my life from how other's saw me, because for a significant portion of my life I did "pass" as a cisgender male. I say pass because in my memory there really isn't a time when it wasn't an effort on my part to "pass."

Another great thing about transition is that I don't have to think about how to be a girl. That just kind of comes naturally.

I'm actually really glad that my self-portrait collage referenced my transness as much as it did. It's nice to see evidence of how my life is a continuum like every one else's.

Essay I wrote for Jim Collins Foundation

            Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) is the last step remaining in my transition. I feel as if not having GCS is hindering me from pursuing my other goals and dreams. I cannot allow myself to jeopardize or delay having my surgery by returning to school or taking a career risk, hence until I have had my surgery I have limited options when it comes to improving my situation.

            My situation has already improved dramatically since I began transitioning. “Passing” as a man took a great deal of energy on my part. Prior to transitioning I didn’t have energy to work on projects that are important to me. Now I write op/eds about transgender topics for GayRVA.com, I publish a zine, blog, post youtube videos, and I am working on a novel with a transgender narrator.  I am much more comfortable with myself now that my gender presentation matches my internal sense of gender identity. I make more sense to myself and to other people. I don’t experience social anxiety like I used to. Since transitioning it has become easier for me to meet people and make friends. Most of all I feel that transitioning has allowed me to mature sexually and emotionally. I experience myself more fully as a person than I was able to before transitioning. I feel that GCS is the only thing standing between me and my ability to experience myself completely as a sexual being and form intimate relationships.

            Transition was an absolute necessity for my mental, physical, and financial health. Like many other transsexual people, I lived my life trying to find ways to ignore my gender dysphoria prior to transitioning. This caused me to live recklessly and irresponsibly. The biggest regret I have about my transition is that I waited until I couldn’t keep up with my finances, live healthily, or maintain close relationships before I transitioned. Had I transitioned in college, like I originally planned as a teenager, I believe I would have avoided most of the major stresses of my transition. I wouldn’t have had to overcome financial stresses caused by years of avoiding my gender issues. Transitioning has allowed me to begin building the career I deserve, taking steps towards financial security, and developing relationships that need to live a healthy life. The cost of saving for GCS hinders my ability to pay down student loans, attend graduate school, and save for retirement.

            I now live my life to educate others about transgender people and topics through my writing. Most of the transgender theories I have encountered have been written from a cisgender perspective. I think I would have gained self acceptance and understanding of myself as a person more quickly had academic writings from the transgender perspective made a larger portion of transgender theory. One life goal of mine is to obtain a PhD. in Gender Studies so that I can offer a transgender perspective in transgender theory. I think it is important that I offer my knowledge and experience to people. I think it is important that people are made aware of transgender opinions and experiences. Currently I am the only transgender voice on GayRVA.com. I have a transsexual woman’s perspective and can’t speak for all transgender people, but I think it is important for my voice to be heard. I believe my purpose in life is to help transgender people gain more mainstream acceptance through research and education. Much of my energy now is devoted to obtaining GCS. My need for GCS hinders me from devoting all the energy I could towards research and writing about transgender topics.

            I believe that GCS is a necessary step to take to allow me to fully be the person I am meant to be. Transitioning this far has been a huge improvement to my satisfaction with the life I am living and has increased my ability to form close meaningful relationships. I feel I need GCS to experience myself intimately in a relationship. Transitioning has allowed me to begin building a financially secure and healthy life but the expense of saving for GCS is hindering me from saving towards other financial goals. I have an important perspective to offer the world and am an important voice in Richmond’s LGBT community, but I currently am unable to devote myself as fully towards expressing my opinions and sharing my knowledge as I will be able to after obtaining GCS. Gender Confirmation Surgery is for me a need that takes precedence over other needs and desires of mine. I am much more capable and functional now that I have transitioned as far as I have but I won’t be able to live up to my potential until I have met my need for GCS.

Talking about a blog entry that was like a giant pile of jello: My failed attempt at describing the trans spirituality and shame

Well I want to address my last blog entry. I don't think it was written very clearly.

It's hard to describe something for which you have no words.

I grew up feeling a lot of guilt and shame over something I could not change. Who I am is exactly who God intended me to be. For whatever reason I am transsexual. I was born transsexual and rather than asking "Why would God ever do this to me?" because prior to transitioning being transsexual is really hellish, I think the question to ask is "What is this gift God has given me?" Because despite everything being trans is a gift, and it is one hell of a spiritual journey. I don't have the language to describe it because everything falls short and everything I say seems to come out wrong.

I don't want to get too cheesy here, and I'm really tempted to take my last entry down, but this blog is often how I think and how I am thinking through things.

Sometimes I do fail in describing an experience. Oh well. That's not the point.

I once tried to make a 3 foot cube of Jello. It collapsed all over the studio floor and it smelled bad. It was still pretty awesome: a glorious failure.

I think really the way to read my last entry is between the lines.

I know I was born to transition. I don't know why clearly. Were I given a choice I would absolutely go back and be born cis-female. This whole trans thing is a lot to live with and a lot to go through. I wasn't given that option, and I can honestly say I am a much better and more complete person than I would have been had I been cis. I hope whatever spiritual growth or lesson was intended by my transness is something I've learned and never have to do again, but...

Being trans is a blessing. Sometimes we don't get to choose our blessings.

I have this spiritual belief that there isn't really right or wrong. I don't want to say it would be wrong of me not to have transitioned. That would have been a spiritual death for me, but I can't say it would be "wrong." I can only do what I can, and I can only be who I am, and I think that letting guilt get in the way of the person I have the potential to be helps no one.

I don't know. I wanted to try to capture some of a really good conversation I had that helped me with a lot of insight and I feel that I failed rather miserably. Maybe it wasn't meant to be shared.

Oh well.