thinking about trannies

So many times in my life I have been so close to telling my parents that I think I need to be a woman. It's just that saying that sounds so fucking crazy, or maybe it's all the trannies on Jerry Springer that I saw when I was twelve, or maybe it's how when my mother explained about my gay uncle emphasizing that he doesn't want to be a girl, how I gathered that being a boy wanting to be a girl wasn't natural or good. Oh well, enough griping about that. Anyway I've been watching Les and Leith on Trannystargalactica, and it's a real shame the Leith (riftgirl) closed her youtube account. Hearing her say stuff like "Who wouldn't want to work with a tranny," and just the juxtoposition between her and the tranny stereotype makes me almost comfortable with the fact that I am a transsexual.
I don't know. This Halloween was the night before I moved out of my apartment and back into my parents (temporarily) so I didn't really dress up. I had been planning to go out en femme, but circumstances and what not...anyway my friend at the bar I frequent dressed up as a tranny. He wore super short shorts, roller skates, tied his shirt in a knot and wore lots of really bad make-up. It wasn't a bad costume, but it does kinda say something. I mean no one would ever wear black face today, or even dress up like a "fag," or "dyke." Dressing like a tranny for halloween is perfectly acceptable. And even as long as I've been contemplating changing my sex, and thinking about how I will do it, it's like I don't want to be a "tranny."
Wierdly enough I actually like the phrase tranny. I think it could be really empowering. I mean like how queer went from being a derogatory to being a term of pride. When someone who is a trans person but so obviously not the derogatory stereotype tranny uses the term in reference to themselves it really robs the derogatory of power.
Which here I am at 27, still battling this internal transphobia. Imagine what my life could have been like had I transitioned when I was 13, or if I didn't have to worry about social stigma by transitioning now, or if it had never occurred to me to be ashamed of being a tranny.
Having said that, I have had alot of great experiences by not having transitioned when I was 13, and I wouldn't go back and relive my life, and to tell you the truth alot of my friends were coming out of the closet as lesbian about the same time I first started coming out of the closet as trans. I guess queer attracts queer, even when in denial. Weirdly I don't have many gay friends, but then again I don't really have that male identity, that's something else anyway.
Now I'm moving into an apartment on Feb 1, so I think I'm going to wait until then to tell my parents, maybe feb 2 I'll send them an email. I don't think they won't be supportive, but I'm really dreading that moment of them knowing, and I just imagine them thinking about the weirdness of it all. I should be telling myself that for a person with a female brain to want to be female isn't really a weird thing and I am almost there. But I also know that I kinda want room to explore this away from my parents, and that I want them to read a few books I'm going to reccomend, and watch few youtube channels I point them to, and maybe even a movie or two before we have that awkard conversation.
Well once again I'm gonna end this thing. Even though I don't think anyone reads it. Maybe they do.