Summer of '08

Okay, so I just wrote another letter to one of the vloggers I follow on youtube. I swear youtube is so great for me. I mean seeing women (and men) who transitioned and are so completely different from the people on Jerry Springer that first had me thinking about transitioning. Anyway before I get to off subject. I spent some time in Indiana during the first part of '08 and moved back to Richmond that June. When I first moved back I had no apt or place to stay and all my stuff was packed into my uhaul so I went like three days wearing the same clothing and it got to a point where I felt absolutely discusting so I went to fan thrift to buy a pair of jeans and a t-shirt just to have something clean to wear.
I remember standing in the men's section on Fan Thrift trying to pick out a pair of jeans that I knew I wasn't going to like, and I was thinking to myself; "Women's jeans are so much more comfortable, I like the way they fit better, I like the way they look better, and no one will notice anyway," and I just couldn't bring myself to buy another pair of men's jeans. I haven't since. Anyway maybe that was my breaking point.
I felt so much better about myself wearing those jeans (even though they were two sizes two big) that I really started thinking about transitioning. Or rather what I seem to do is start to obsess about how I'd like to have just a little more feminine figure, thenhow I want to have female figure, and I start really wanting to get on hormones, and I think to myself that maybe I could hide it, that I would just feel so much better about myself if I had a female body even if no one else knew. But that summer I actually really started thinking about transitioning, and I guess it became a possibility. I don't know.
So I came out to most of my friends and saw a therapist for two sessions, before I backed off. It was too much to deal with at the time, and I had to find out about a relationship. But I never really totally backed off it this time. I mean I continued to buy make-up. I took herbal hormones for a few months then switched to estrogen for a month, then stopped, because well for one; I actually did want to be safe about it, I had been seeing that therapist because I wanted to have doctor supervision over hormones etc. and I also didn't want to be a man with a wierd body. I kept dressing.
I don't know. Seeing the vloggers on youtube gives me a lot of hope, but it is such an undertaking. Of course I kinda feel like as a man I really have nothing left to really do. I know that's absurd. I'm only 27. But I feel like I just can't build on this male life, I mean if I'm thinking that I'm not going to transition I just want space. I don't really want to work on anything, and I feel really tired. When I'm thinking that I am going to transition I start thinking about going to grad school and doing stuff and... Anyway I'm gonna stop for now.