I've been here before, sort of. I mean I want to transition. I want the works. Okay I haven't admitted that before. I mean even when I almost transitioned a summer of '08 I didn't admit that. "I don't know how far I want to go" I would say. Maybe I'll be alright just living in the role etc. but you know what, fuck it. I want to have a vagina. (actually I doubt I could say that out loud yet) I don't know somehow it never seemed possible, like I am broke, and jobless, and srs costs like so much money, and hair removal is so much, but I found out today I could get srs for a price I could reasonable expect to save up over the next several years, and that fan free clinic does offer therapy services. So this entry is crap, I've been putting my energy into writing a letter to my parents explaining that I am a transsexual and want to start getting treated for it, that I want to start living as a woman, take the hormones, and yes get the surgery when the time comes. If there is a god he has a sense of humor; Why anyone should ever have to write a letter like that is beyond me. I'm shooting for sending it on feb 2, when I'm back in Richmond, and hopefully employed.
I'm worried that they are going to think I'm having some sort of nervous breakdown, or that they'll think I haven't thought it out enough. I'm also rather dreading the conversation afterwards and really having to own up to my internal life that I have kept hidden for so long. It really is fear keeping me back. I wonder if once I am no longer afraid of being an oddity, weird, or thought of as crazy how quickly I would transition and get full time. Anyway one odd thing is that I can't really do anything not transition related, I mean I am only really motivated to get a job thinking that I can use it to fund transition. I'll talk about that stuff later.
Anyway who knows what this blog is gonna be. Well it's more of a diary because no one reads it, but it might just turn into a how to transition with almost no money whatsoever. I'm sure the rest of what I'm writing has been written a thousand times by others before me. Oh well I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I just hope that I actually go through with it this time. I'm running out of time in my twenties afterall.
Anyway enough for now.
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It ended up being in June that I came out and it was actually a phone conversation. My mother did think I was having a nervous breakdown. Six months after that I was able to start hormones, and good God I am SOOOOO happy I did this
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