So this thing doesn't count blog hits like myspace did, of course I deleted my myspace account. After writing about a month of "I'm going to change my sex," then changing my mind it was a little embarrassing to keep the account. Although I did keep facebook, I decided that my friends were too important, and had been too understanding to leave in the past just because of a ligitimate struggle of mine that I wasn't ready to deal with. Anyway enough about that. I'm not really being clear am I?
So I've been thinking: I've come like really close to transistioning several times in my life, and to the point of taking hormones that I bought online twice, and I've turned back, and I've always justified it by looking at aspects of my life that I really like. Like I like the way I interact at work, I like the way I am respected at work, I like the way I am at the bar I'm a regular at, and it dawned on me that it isn't just fear holding me back. There will be aspects of my life that I will have to say goodbye to, parts of myself that will die, so to speak. Which leads me to a new train of thought; In some respects transitioning would be something I would be doing totally for myself, on the other hand I would be dying to myself, which is pretty close to what most major religions teach. Maybe that is why transgendered people were considered sacred in most societies.
I want to pursue transition because I think I would have a more honest presentation. I mean I reached a point where I can't bring myself to wear men's clothing where it won't be noticed; meaning I wear mostly women's clothing, shoes, socks, pants, underwear, gloves, hats, and sometimes jackets, and I still present as a straight man. Of course I'm clinging to this persona that as false as it feels sometimes, there are some real qualities about my male self that I honestly like. I found other transgendered people on the internet when I was rather young, and I was kinda able to create a male persona for myself that is pretty close to my ideal male; in some regards. I mean very few people are more fun to hang out at a bar with, and I am really great to work with in a kitchen, and I host a great party. So to become a better, or more real person (like I think I would were I to transition) I kind of have to kill a person that I kind of like.
It reminds me of the elves in the Lord of the Rings. Yeah I'm gonna get geeky here. The three rings the elves had were good, but the one ring could not be destroyed without destroying the three rings. So Sauron could not be destroyed without destroying the world the elves had built using the three rings. I've always known about my transgenderism, and I think I've always known that at some point in my life I would have to transition, and I still worked hard on my male self and created a person that I rather like, and now for something better he is going to have to die. How the religious community looks down on the trangendered experience I can't possible understand.
Another thing is that as much as I think about gender - which I do to a very unhealthy extent, but I think that comes with being an untransitioned trans person - It isn't a primary identity. I mean I want to transition because being male feels like being stuck in a really confining box. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way, but it seems to me that transitioning would just open so many doors for me. I would feel so free to be myself, and I wouldn't have so many rules to follow all the time. Anyone ever read Self Made Man by Norah Vincent? She - for me - seems to nail the whole male experience pretty well. I don't know, whatever.
Well I'm going to try to keep the attitude that I don't know if transition is right for me. I can see that that is the direction I am heading in, and hell I want to be full time before I turn 30, but if I look at this whole thing as just transition I'm going to get scared and not deal with these very real emotions that I am having. It is very easy to find a new bar, and new people and just be one of the guys. It is very hard to be vulnerable in the way transition would make me. Anyway I guess I've written enough for now. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I might write more later tonight if I have something to say.