So I have to write something because I can't keep anything in. As quiet and reserved as I am, I'm actually a shy extrovert. If I'm thinking something I just have to get it out. Sometimes I manage to hold it in for a while, but not for too long.
So, I just got rejected by a girl I liked. I got the same line I've always gotten: "I love you as a friend, but I'm not interested in a relationship with you." Actually, I'm not that upset about it this time. She didn't lead me on like the last person, and there were other things that made me think a relationship with her would never work. Actually, I never would have said anything to her (despite what I wrote above, which is true) except without telling her I was in love with her I seemed like a crazy person.
Here's the other thing: She texted me last night to tell me we needed to have a talk: never good. It occurred to me that possibly my body is the reason why she would never want to date me, so I texted her back. I asked her not to tell me that. I told her I hate my body more than I could ever describe, and that I can't do anything about it but wait and hope I get my surgery before I can't stand it anymore. I said I understood if that is how she felt, that I have the same holdups about dating trans* women, but that I couldn't stand to hear it, and that I never would have come on to her anyway because I could never bear to be rejected because of that.
Actually, I wasn't being over dramatic. If you aren't trans* you probably can't understand, but it's why Gender Confirmation Surgery is life or death. When I say I have body issues I'm not kidding.
As far as my surgery goes. I don't know how much chance I have of actually getting the funds for it. But I'm running out of time. I absolutely, truly believe that untreated gender dysphoria is fatal.
So I'm very thankful that if my body is the reason she isn't interested in a relationship with me she didn't tell me. Honestly, I live by trying to think of anything other than what is between my legs.
But, I tried that before. Before I transitioned I tried to think of anything other than my need to transition. I tried everything I could not to be trans* but eventually it just became so consuming that I couldn't think of anything else. And then I came out of the closet and transitioned. I don't have that option with surgery, and it scares me. Everyday I think about it just a little more than the day before, everyday it's just a little harder not to think about, and everyday is just one day closer to the day when having the wrong body just hurts to much.
I'm going to make an impact before I go down though. And god I hope I get my surgery before that day comes.
Also, I really need someone to come along who really appreciates what I do have. And I'm not talking a tranny chaser or someone who is attracted to me because I am trans*. Having someone want me because of that thing between my legs is almost as bad as being rejected because of it. The difference is that usually tranny chasers are just creepy people who don't know me at all. Me, I have a really hard time being attracted to someone until I get to know them at least a little, so being rejected because of it would be worse.
Honestly, it isn't something I chance anymore. It happened to me once. A girl came up to me at Barcode and bought me a drink. We talked for a while. She seemed nice. I brought her home with me. We talked for a little more. I brought up something about being trans just to make sure she knew and she bolted. I'd made dinner, she didn't even finish it.
Oh well. At least she wasn't a friend. And if I knew that's what a friend thought of me could I ever look at her the same way again?
So I was let down easy, from something I never had much hope of working anyway. So I don't feel that bad about it.
I still need space and time.
Our friendship has been different than most of my other friendships. It's felt closer. I don't do close friendships, not really. I have a very small inner circle of people I trust, who have been there for me when I needed them. I really care about them, but I think appreciate is probably a more descriptive word about what I feel friendship is not love. I hate phrasing it that way because it sounds so cold, but I think that friends are people who aren't obligated to be there when it gets rough...fair weather friends, but I think that is what friendship is. It's the people who are there when it gets rough who comprise my inner circle... IDK, weirdly I'm much more selective about my inner circle than who I fall in love with. I fall in love with people because of a combination of looks, intelligence, and how much I enjoy being around someone. My inner circle are people I know will always be there and that takes a long time to figure out. Of course, when I do fall in love I usually let that person (sort of) in my inner circle (for a while).
IDK. It's all complicated.
I've dated more people as a girl than I did as a guy, and I've been in love with more people as a girl than as a guy. I've never dated someone I was in love with, or fallen in love with anyone I've dated. My last girlfriend (I strongly suspect) was interested in me as something exciting and different, when she found out I wasn't it ended quickly. The last time we slept together was closer to what I wanted, but I don't think she was interested in that.
I keep my friends kinda distant. I'm not comfortable being really close to more than one person. You know? There's a side of me that I really need to share with someone, but it's more intimate, less guarded, less aloof, and more affectionate. But I'm not comfortable sharing it with friends, I share it to small degrees with people I think I might be more than friends someday. Or to be honest...I once had a girlfriend who told me repeatedly she could never love me...a little sad, but I respect her for it, and for a while I was able to share a part of me I can't share with other people.
Or hell, for that matter, beyond just this part of my personality, I have amazing boobs that I really really love, my skin is smooth, and I'm soft in all the right places.
My penis...well that's not a part of me. I'm supposed to learn to think of it as a clit. But I just can't wrap my head around that.
And...whatever they say about testosterone being the hormone that makes us horny, I think a lot more about sex now that I've blocked all that and take estrogen. OH MY GOD! Do I think a lot more about sex. I don't think I ever really thought about it much before transitioning. I mean, not the same way, in a much more detached way. Like having sex with my girlfriend was all about her body, I tried not to think about mine as much as possible, or it was about fantasies of having a female body. I now, for the most part, have that body...talk about sexual frustration. It was easier not to think about sex when I hated my entire body not just one part between my legs.
Of course here I am being super fucking open. Especially when today I was interviewed by Monika Kowalska for her blog The Heroines of My Life, and I'm already seeing increased traffic.You should definitely check out that interview. I think it went well. Oh well, this wasn't nearly as open as the last post I wrote, which I'm very thankful I had a friend read over and tell me not to publish it. Also I was pretty fucking open in my book Straight Boy/ Queer Girl: a memoir.
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