Who I am...in a nutshell

Well recently I've really been thinking about how I really want a relationship. I haven't seemed to have much luck in this regard in the past so I think I'm actually going to write an entry about who I am and put it out there in the Universe...I'll see what comes back at me.

Okay, I am a femme, transsexual lesbian.

I get the impression sometimes that other lesbians don't really consider me to be one...even though in some ways (that I don't brag about) I'm almost comically a stereotype...like wearing out my Indigo Girls 10,000 Curfews cassette tape in one summer by listening to it on repeat so much.

I'm also a child of the 80's and 90's. Can you tell from my sentence above.

Of course I also don't play or watch sports, and I don't do drama, and I don't really watch a lot of lesbian movies.

I'm an Eagle Scout, and I am very proud of that, even if when I talk about it it really firmly establishes my non-female past.

I'm easy to become friends with but very difficult to get close to. I have been easily hurt in the past, and I very very cautious about being hurt again.

I genuinely love an awful lot of things, music, art, literature, TV shows, food, the changing seasons, road trips.....It isn't easy for me to share all that I love.

I am really, really conscious of other people's space. It isn't easy for me to make the first move...actually I have only ever been kissed, I've never kissed anyone...I can but I need clear permission.

I am not ashamed of my pre-op body, and I'll pose nude for paintings or photos or what not, and I do recognize the artistic beauty of a trans female body...but I don't like my penis. I don't want it to be touched and I don't want someone to see it who I'm intimate with, which makes physical intimacy a really hard thing for me.

Sex, isn't and never has been the most important thing to me.  I'm more interested in cuddling, and waking up next to someone and sitting around watching TV on a week night, and sharing something private and intimate with someone than I am interested in sex. But I also really want someone to make me feel desirable and attractive.

I'm really, really sweet, and even if I don't have a whole lot of close friends I genuinely care about an awful lot of people. It's hard for me to cry at funerals, or keep in touch with someone who lives out of town, but I don't ever forget people who have touched me, and never stop missing the people whom I've lost.

I can be a little aloof, but if you're willing to be patient with me you'll find that I'm actually very affectionate.

It doesn't take me weeks, or sometimes even months to tell someone that I love them, it usually takes me a lot longer. I used to be able to do this more quickly but I've gotten a lot of very negative reactions in my past...

I'm strong, I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet, I bore one hell of an emotional burden for a awful long time because I thought I had to. I expected to lose everyone I loved if I ever came out of the closet and I tried to teach myself not to get to close, and truth be told, I did lose quite a few people when I did.

I'm also a very genuinely happy person. I'm even happier because I have lost people I deeply cared about and I really appreciate the people I have now, even if it's not a really easy thing to show.

I'm extremely confident, more so than most people you'll ever meet, though when it comes to asking someone out, telling someone that I like them, or showing that I'm jealous (even when I have a right to be) I'm extremely shy about it.

I have very little patience for stupidity and incompetence.

When it comes to work, or projects, I'm a perfectionist. Most of the jobs I've quit, I've quit because I didn't think the work I was asked to do met my standards.

I also hate wasting time... this might have gotten in my way in the past and maybe still. I drop jobs when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, sometimes even when I need the pay. I drop people who get in my way, bring me down, or waste my time, though I think this has mostly caused me to have really high quality friendships.

I am complicated. I am both very open and closed. I'll talk about a whole bunch of things with people when I first met them, and I'll answer a whole bunch of personal questions, and I'll be totally open about things most people really consider private, but I still keep an awful lot to myself. I am both an introvert and an extrovert. Sometimes, it's hard for me to ask how someone else is doing and I'll go on and on about my projects and what's going on with me, but I'll also be the most quiet person in a group and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

If I host a party I'll talk to everyone, if I'm a guest, sometime I'll meet no one.  And I don't like loud noises or big crowds...usually, except for when I do.

When I really like someone, I try to spend as much time with them as I can, and give up my independent streak a little. I have a tendency to do things and go places I want regardless on whether I do it alone or not.

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say, and I really appreciate people I can share silence with.

I also really appreciate people who are punctual, relatively speaking. I like people who show up when a party is starting not fashionably late, or who meet me somewhere when they say they will, or are ready when they say they will be. It's really attractive.

So it being straight forward with me, and not playing games.

In the past I've tended to fall in love with people who had not romantic interest in me, and maybe I'm still that person, but I really hope not.

Let's see, the little things. I'm a painter, a writer, a great cook, I throw great parties, I'm really good with people, I'm not shy about public speaking, I absolutely love dogs more than any other animal, I like looking pretty and wearing nice clothes, I like going to nice restaurants, and if I have money I like spending it on good beer, wine, and food.

I also drink PBR out of the can and thoroughly love it, and tell a lot of the same stories over and over again. But I think I have some pretty good stories.

I write because I have to. It's kind of like breathing for me. I can't explain it.

I like to eat, and right now I feel hungry.