First update in three weeks

Well, It's been a few weeks since I posted...and I meant to post every Tuesday.

I found an ABC sponsor for my prom, which I'm having to raise money for my surgery.

Which, though it is going to be a hell of a lot of work, I'm totally going to raise enough money for my surgery this year. YAY!!!!!

OMG I am so excited. Actually It's more surreal than anything else, and granted I still don't have the money for the surgery this is all depending on me being able to get a thousand people to come out for my TG prom, and getting them all to buy beer and wine and put in on the 50/50 raffle, and everything else, but...I think my lack of fundraising is the final key to me getting that Jim Collins Foundation grant, which I will definitely be applying for if I don't raise all the money myself this April.

You know though, being that I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as my surgery goes, it does have me contemplating what it means to me.

I mean, not so much like I've talked about it before, but like in looking at before and after pictures on surgeon's websites and actually being like "That's what I'm going to have between my legs," and then looking down at what I have right now...

I don't know. I hope that none of you who read this are fetishistic about trans women because well I'm not a fetish, and having a penis sucks. It really really sucks.

I really want to date someone (and I'm not giving up on that) but....

It takes a lot for me to trust someone. Not just with physical contact, though that is a large part of it.

Here's the thing;

One, I hate what I have between my legs. I hate it. I don't want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, anything. I don't like to touch it myself...That's the sexual relationship with myself that I know. That's kind of all I've ever experienced.

Then, of course, I am sexual, and honestly estrogen has only brought that out in me. I mean it makes sense. I am female, and prior to having the proper balance of female hormones in my system well I just didn't think about sex very much. It isn't like I think about it all the time now, probably comparable to any other woman, but compared to before it's a lot more.

And I've always wanted intimacy with another person. Which is really the kicker because right now I have this dilemma of. She is attracted to me...why? Does she know I'm trans? If she does is that what she is attracted to? because I'm not really that. I can't really do that in between thing. Does she think I'm cis? Is she going to be comfortable with finding out what I have between my legs? and then if all of that clears there's still the question of "Is she going to be comfortable with my boundaries, where I won't go?

Of course I think I've written about all that before.

Now of course I'm looking at before and after pictures, and quite possibly, I'll be in recovery from surgery with in a year.

This is what I imagine.

I'll wake up all groggy, and my hand will reach down, and it won't be there, and I'll smile, and I will be so so happy, and I'll go back to sleep.

I was thinking about it, and basically it's kind of like I'll be perfect. I mean, I won't be, I'll probably have a little bit of weight I want to lose, and everything else, but basically everything will be as it should be.

I don't know, I joke about wanting to really slut it up after my surgery, but I kind of doubt I will. I kind of think I'll still find it really really hard to date, I'll still be this person that everyone wants to be friends with but no one is interested in dating, I'll still be awkward about it. It'll still be really really hard for me to be close to anyone. But at least there won't be that.