Goals for 2014

Well I have internet at home again, and I do mean to update this blog more often.

Okay, here's the thing, a lot of what is going on in my life involves people who may or may not read this blog, and for the most part I try to avoid talking about people who read this blog.

Okay, I don't always do that. The Doctor, aka the trans guy I was crushing on for a while before he started T, I did talk about him, but other than that.

So my prom that I'm planning is coming along well. I think I am going to get my surgery within this year or the beginning of next year. I deserve it.

I mean,

I am a woman.

In every aspect of my life I have transitioned, and it was easy. Yes, I went through all the shit that trans people go through when they transition, and yes there are some outfits I wore and some things I did in transition that are a little embarrassing, but there isn't really any way around puberty. So I was a 13 year old girl at 28, oh well. But really it was easy. As a woman I don't have to think about how to act, how to talk, what to think in order to pass. As a woman I can just act naturally and I generally come across as pretty normal, I think, please don't tell me otherwise.

Transition is a thing in my past. It's like: Yes, I am trans, but that isn't really much of a thing, it is just kind of something about me. Then of course there is that one thing remaining.

I'm tired of, and this is really rude, by the way, "Oh but you're still in transition," or "How long have you been in transition." It's like in people's minds I'm not there yet, or with some people I swear it's I'll never be there.

It's ignorant and it sucks but how do you fight it. I mean it's the hanging out with a bunch of lesbians and it's almost a shock that I'm into women....okay, maybe I come across as a little straight, I mean, I am really femme. I can't fault anyone, and I'm not upset, and people totally equate gender with sexuality, gays and lesbians alike.

What was I trying to get at in that above paragraph? Oh yeah, you know, maybe it's them. Maybe it's "Oh you like women?! You're not just hanging out with a bunch of gay women because you're trans, you're actually into women?!" or maybe it's something in me. Maybe it's this awareness that I have that I'm different.Not different like I used to feel around guys, not different like we're not the same, but different in that there are a whole hell of a lot things that I can't experience, or not even that, but rather this thought in the back of my head saying "even if you found me attractive my body would probably make you uncomfortable."

It sure as hell makes me uncomfortable. I mean, flat out, I have body issues. Body issues that are pretty fucking incomparable. Even if all the lights were out I would never feel comfortable getting sexual with anyone else using the equipment I have between my legs.

It would be "What do they think of it?"

Arghhhh!!! I don't want this to be another entry about needing my surgery. I deserve it, that's enough to say.

So many of the things that I want to write about are about people in my life. They're all good things, but....

Okay, so without being specific, which I really try to avoid in this blog, I can't write what I would like to without risking being misunderstood by the people involved. Not that anyone would be offended but I wouldn't want anyone to think I was talking about someone else when I was really talking about them.

So... My goals for 2014 (this is going to be a really good year for me :)

1: Throw my prom, raise the money for my surgery, schedule my surgery, have it if possible, and start a non-profit specifically to help trans people in RVA pay for their Gender Confirmation Surgeries. I seriously think that the difficulty in paying for GCS is a very important social issue that I would like to help address.

2: Make money. I deserve to make a decent living. I'm really smart, I'm a hard worker, I'm a good leader/organizer, and I deserve to get paid.

3: Not work in food service any more. Along the same lines as above. I don't love cooking enough to be interested in making it a career and I am far too talented to work in an industry that doesn't pay well, isn't rewarding, and doesn't have much of a future.

4: Work for myself.

5: Be more open to close friendships and relationships, and more trusting.