Goals for 2014

Well I have internet at home again, and I do mean to update this blog more often.

Okay, here's the thing, a lot of what is going on in my life involves people who may or may not read this blog, and for the most part I try to avoid talking about people who read this blog.

Okay, I don't always do that. The Doctor, aka the trans guy I was crushing on for a while before he started T, I did talk about him, but other than that.

So my prom that I'm planning is coming along well. I think I am going to get my surgery within this year or the beginning of next year. I deserve it.

I mean,

I am a woman.

In every aspect of my life I have transitioned, and it was easy. Yes, I went through all the shit that trans people go through when they transition, and yes there are some outfits I wore and some things I did in transition that are a little embarrassing, but there isn't really any way around puberty. So I was a 13 year old girl at 28, oh well. But really it was easy. As a woman I don't have to think about how to act, how to talk, what to think in order to pass. As a woman I can just act naturally and I generally come across as pretty normal, I think, please don't tell me otherwise.

Transition is a thing in my past. It's like: Yes, I am trans, but that isn't really much of a thing, it is just kind of something about me. Then of course there is that one thing remaining.

I'm tired of, and this is really rude, by the way, "Oh but you're still in transition," or "How long have you been in transition." It's like in people's minds I'm not there yet, or with some people I swear it's I'll never be there.

It's ignorant and it sucks but how do you fight it. I mean it's the hanging out with a bunch of lesbians and it's almost a shock that I'm into women....okay, maybe I come across as a little straight, I mean, I am really femme. I can't fault anyone, and I'm not upset, and people totally equate gender with sexuality, gays and lesbians alike.

What was I trying to get at in that above paragraph? Oh yeah, you know, maybe it's them. Maybe it's "Oh you like women?! You're not just hanging out with a bunch of gay women because you're trans, you're actually into women?!" or maybe it's something in me. Maybe it's this awareness that I have that I'm different.Not different like I used to feel around guys, not different like we're not the same, but different in that there are a whole hell of a lot things that I can't experience, or not even that, but rather this thought in the back of my head saying "even if you found me attractive my body would probably make you uncomfortable."

It sure as hell makes me uncomfortable. I mean, flat out, I have body issues. Body issues that are pretty fucking incomparable. Even if all the lights were out I would never feel comfortable getting sexual with anyone else using the equipment I have between my legs.

It would be "What do they think of it?"

Arghhhh!!! I don't want this to be another entry about needing my surgery. I deserve it, that's enough to say.

So many of the things that I want to write about are about people in my life. They're all good things, but....

Okay, so without being specific, which I really try to avoid in this blog, I can't write what I would like to without risking being misunderstood by the people involved. Not that anyone would be offended but I wouldn't want anyone to think I was talking about someone else when I was really talking about them.

So... My goals for 2014 (this is going to be a really good year for me :)

1: Throw my prom, raise the money for my surgery, schedule my surgery, have it if possible, and start a non-profit specifically to help trans people in RVA pay for their Gender Confirmation Surgeries. I seriously think that the difficulty in paying for GCS is a very important social issue that I would like to help address.

2: Make money. I deserve to make a decent living. I'm really smart, I'm a hard worker, I'm a good leader/organizer, and I deserve to get paid.

3: Not work in food service any more. Along the same lines as above. I don't love cooking enough to be interested in making it a career and I am far too talented to work in an industry that doesn't pay well, isn't rewarding, and doesn't have much of a future.

4: Work for myself.

5: Be more open to close friendships and relationships, and more trusting.

First update in three weeks

Well, It's been a few weeks since I posted...and I meant to post every Tuesday.

I found an ABC sponsor for my prom, which I'm having to raise money for my surgery.

Which, though it is going to be a hell of a lot of work, I'm totally going to raise enough money for my surgery this year. YAY!!!!!

OMG I am so excited. Actually It's more surreal than anything else, and granted I still don't have the money for the surgery this is all depending on me being able to get a thousand people to come out for my TG prom, and getting them all to buy beer and wine and put in on the 50/50 raffle, and everything else, but...I think my lack of fundraising is the final key to me getting that Jim Collins Foundation grant, which I will definitely be applying for if I don't raise all the money myself this April.

You know though, being that I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as my surgery goes, it does have me contemplating what it means to me.

I mean, not so much like I've talked about it before, but like in looking at before and after pictures on surgeon's websites and actually being like "That's what I'm going to have between my legs," and then looking down at what I have right now...

I don't know. I hope that none of you who read this are fetishistic about trans women because well I'm not a fetish, and having a penis sucks. It really really sucks.

I really want to date someone (and I'm not giving up on that) but....

It takes a lot for me to trust someone. Not just with physical contact, though that is a large part of it.

Here's the thing;

One, I hate what I have between my legs. I hate it. I don't want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, anything. I don't like to touch it myself...That's the sexual relationship with myself that I know. That's kind of all I've ever experienced.

Then, of course, I am sexual, and honestly estrogen has only brought that out in me. I mean it makes sense. I am female, and prior to having the proper balance of female hormones in my system well I just didn't think about sex very much. It isn't like I think about it all the time now, probably comparable to any other woman, but compared to before it's a lot more.

And I've always wanted intimacy with another person. Which is really the kicker because right now I have this dilemma of. She is attracted to me...why? Does she know I'm trans? If she does is that what she is attracted to? because I'm not really that. I can't really do that in between thing. Does she think I'm cis? Is she going to be comfortable with finding out what I have between my legs? and then if all of that clears there's still the question of "Is she going to be comfortable with my boundaries, where I won't go?

Of course I think I've written about all that before.

Now of course I'm looking at before and after pictures, and quite possibly, I'll be in recovery from surgery with in a year.

This is what I imagine.

I'll wake up all groggy, and my hand will reach down, and it won't be there, and I'll smile, and I will be so so happy, and I'll go back to sleep.

I was thinking about it, and basically it's kind of like I'll be perfect. I mean, I won't be, I'll probably have a little bit of weight I want to lose, and everything else, but basically everything will be as it should be.

I don't know, I joke about wanting to really slut it up after my surgery, but I kind of doubt I will. I kind of think I'll still find it really really hard to date, I'll still be this person that everyone wants to be friends with but no one is interested in dating, I'll still be awkward about it. It'll still be really really hard for me to be close to anyone. But at least there won't be that.