Thoughts about a blog I meant to write last week and on being "straight"

So I have this goal of trying to write an entry every Tuesday. Let's see how long I can keep that up :)

Anyway...

Last week I wanted to write a little bit about how I think our society affects our sexualities and I didn't. I ended up writing about some doubts that I deal with rather frequently.

I've had a week to think about it now, plus a comment that was brought to my attention. This trans guy who I'm very attracted to, who tends to send me mixed signals, who isn't on T yet (or he just started), who I don't think is mature enough for me to date anyway, but if the situation were to arise I'd probably say fuck it and date him anyway....

Actually, I don't know.

In the past three to four years I have been growing up really quickly, kind of catching up so to speak, but now post transition I really feel like a normal 31 year old woman. And I really don't want to go back to being 26, and I don't want to date someone who is going through all that stuff, especially someone who is just starting the process of transitioning.

Transition was wonderful and a whole lot of fun, but I'm kind of glad that it is over and I'm ready to move past it.

I mean, I'm probably not the type of person to go stealth, and I really do want to be a supportive of the people in my life who are transitioning. I also think that trans issues and theories are always going to be important to me. I just  don't think I'd want to be dating someone going through that process.

Not that I think I'd have to relive to much of my own transition or carry too much of the person's transition.

But,

Basically it was this comment I was told about that really got me thinking and really put things into perspective for me:

"Some straight girls (Natalie) want me to end up being a straight guy"

or it was something to that affect anyway.

First, I found it kind of funny. However you define me I'm not straight. (That is actually a physical impossibility for me, LOL)

Anyway,

I was going to write a blog entry about how I'd never feel comfortable dating a man, how I find men attractive sometimes but I wouldn't feel comfortable actually having sex with them, how I thought that maybe that had something to do with having been raised male in a homophobic society and how maybe despite having transitioned there is still some learned attitudes towards me being with a man that I can't overcome.

Then, I realized that whole line of argument is kind of bull shit.

I don't find muscles, or body hair, or penises to be at all attractive. Actually I find them to be kind of repulsive.

I am attracted to boyish looking females. A lot of boyish looking "females" end up turning out to actually be trans men pre-transition, but when I am attracted to them that isn't what I'm responding to.

I do find masculinity to be attractive (in the type of people I am attracted to) and the whole thing becomes really confusing to me because a lot of the time I don't see someone's sex so much as I do their gender. But that doesn't change the fact that the type of body I am attracted to is female, very androgynous female.

Something so basic that I almost feel shallow for putting it this way but a person's body plays a very big part in whether or not I find that person attractive.

I am not attracted to physically male people enough to want to date them. I'm 31. I'm post transition. This isn't likely to change.

"Some straight girls (Natalie) want me to end up being a straight guy" The thing about this is...by the time that happened I seriously don't know that I'd still find him attractive.

And that might be a real relief. Nothing complicates a friendship like sexual attraction.

Also, as weird as it sounds. The argument I was going to make had something to do with having at points in my life identified as a heterosexual male and not wanting to let go of the last remaining part of that identity. But then again, when I was 13 thinking about transitioning I assumed I would end up being a heterosexual female. I thought that it wasn't so much the type of person I was attracted to but the type of relationship. I mean had I ended up being het female I would have ended up being the girl in a familiar type of relationship, whereas this whole lesbian thing is something I need to figure out. In a very real way by staying the same I have changed, and no experience I had ever had prior to transitioning could have let me know what it would feel like right now.

I mean when it comes down to it, sexuality is so complicated and hormones are so powerful that I think it is a mistake to approach transition with the attitude that "I am going to be such and such..." just relax and let the ride take you where it is going to take you.

I think the right attitude to take when transitioning is an attitude where you question everything. I knew myself at 13 but I didn't have any idea who I would be at 27, just like at 27 I had no idea who I would be post transition, just like right now I don't know who I will be when I am old.

I have to say that it's weird that before transitioning holding onto the idea of being "straight" was comforting whereas now being "straight" is a little disconcerting.

I'm going to keep an open mind. Maybe there is some guy out there who I'll totally fall in love with (even when he has hair and muscles and all that gross stuff) but I doubt it.