Actually it wasn't that awkward. I was quiet and didn't really open up too much to anyone. I drank beer and said excuse me a lot.
Basically I can't say that I came across as all that outgoing, but oh well. Anyway stuff like that doesn't bother me anymore, and I was recovering from a kidney stone, which, by the way, is a rather hellish experience.
Actually I'll start with that, and I'll try to be brief.
Last week after writing an entry in this blog I went out to happy hour at Babe's and had several beers. I was actually in the mood to party, and go out to Karaoke, and stay out late. Sad to say I don't do that all that often anymore. I'm too much of an adult. But anyway, I was sitting at the Bar in Babe's thinking about those dollar tacos that Weezie's sells and about how hungry I was when all of sudden my back started hurting.
It felt like I pulled a muscle.
And it got worse, and worse, and I had to excuse myself and go home.
When I got home I took off my clothes and lay down in bed. The pain got worse and soon I had to get up every so often to vomit.
I called my friend who is a nurse and told her I thought whatever was wrong with my back was actually kind of serious, and got her to come over with pain medicine and a heating pad.
Well six pills of Ibuprofin worked for a while but by 530 in the morning I was in so much pain that I finally called an ambulance. I don't have money for medical bills, which is why I held off for so long, but by 530 in the morning I was in so much pain that I didn't feel like I really had a choice.
I threw on a t-shirt and jeans, grabbed my purse and jacket and met the EMTs outside without any shoes on. They put an IV in and drove me to MCV.
At MCV I was finally diagnosed with Kidney stones, and after a long forty five minutes with a dose of painkiller that only dulled the pain slightly, a cat scan, and the official diagnosis I was given something good, and spent the next several hours high as a kite.
I actually had a job interview over the telephone scheduled for that afternoon, which I was home for but I guess I was still a little out of it because I answered the phone with "Hi :) I actually just got out of the hospital for kidney stones."
The lady on the phone told me to email HR and reschedule which I did, but they never emailed me back.
Oh well....
Anyway, I called out of work Thursday, Friday I should have, but working at barely above poverty wages I couldn't afford to, and Saturday night I wasn't completely myself.
So I didn't have much to say...but I'm also the type who really listens to people and gets to know what they're like a little bit before I start talking a lot.
Anyway...
Of course there was this moment when the TARDIS was mentioned by someone who said she was a Doctor Who fan. She said it was red. I had to say something.
The TARDIS is blue and it always has been. We had a discussion for a while which ended up with a quick check on the internet and she conceding to me. At which point she called the Delorean from Back to the Future black.
"No," I said, "the Delorean is silver. Or actually, stainless steel. The stainless steel construction does something to help the flux capacitor" While I'm saying this, I'm actually really glad that couldn't remember the exact Doc Brown quote talking about the stainless steel construction, and I was really hoping she wouldn't bring up Lord of the Rings, because I was really geeking out.
I like Doctor Who, Back to the Future, and Lord of the Rings. Those are my three really geeky things that I really like.
Anyway...So much for keeping my composure as a not geeky person.
Then we went to Babe's.
And despite my date pressuring me to drive faster and "gun it" past people. I followed drove very cautiously. I was fine to drive but knew I was legally intoxicated....that only takes two beers.
And then I had no money to get into Babe's and I guess I missed the part where the bartender told the person I was with that she could put the cover on her card. She motioned me in and I stood back until the door person told me it was okay.
Arghhh...totally came across as this uptight person who follows all the rules and gets upset if the TARDIS or the Delorean are called the wrong color.
I'm really not that nerdy.
Okay well after I got into Babe's I ended up in this conversation with someone who was drunkenly confiding in me that she thinks she'd like to date someone who is in between sexes. Neither male nor female.
I asked her if she meant intersexed. She said she did but then started talking about two of her relatives who transitioned and I kind of think she was really talking about transsexuals.
One had been a gay guy who is now a lesbian, and another had been a lesbian who is now a gay guy.
Well I was a "straight guy" who is now a lesbian. I didn't bring that up. I told her that I didn't think it was fucked up to be attracted to people like that when she asked me if I thought it was.
We've met before, and she recognized me, and it's hard for me to believe that she didn't know that I transitioned, but at the same time telling someone who is trans that you think it is fucked up to want to specifically date someone who is trans...I don't know. I seems like a bit of a social faux pas.
Of course she also started talking about how her family just accepts her relatives who did transition and how she thinks it's great that they knew who they wanted to be and became it, and how people shouldn't be ashamed or try to hide who they are.
Which may or may not have been trying to nudge me into "coming out" to her as someone who has transitioned.
I didn't.
And it isn't that I'm ashamed of it; I'm very much not stealth, but at the same time, for practical reasons, I feel like it is better for me not to be so open about it.
It's the whole, I actually would like to meet and have a relationship with someone. I already have to face the discomfort a lot of cisgendered people feel at being attracted to someone physically different like I am, but then on top of that there is the social stigma of being trans.
By not being stealth I hope to combat that a little, but there's the thing that's happened to me, where this girl is really attracted to me, we might even be making out, and she gets pulled aside by her friends who say something to her, which I imagine is along the lines of "you're drunk, do you know what you're doing with her? You know what she is, right?" and then she isn't interested in me anymore.
Or, the people who are into me because of a fetish.
I'm uncomfortable with my body, and I am never going to get over that without surgery. I still would really like to have a relationship with someone, and I think I would be an awesome girl to date, but I would never be interested in being with someone who was into parts of me that I don't identify with, and with people who seem like they might be able to get past my abnormal anatomy, there's the whole social stigma that I think limits my options.
It's be nice to say that if they can't get past the social stigma of dating a pre-op trans woman than they aren't worth dating, but the truth is that's a big fucking stigma and it took me a long time from when I figured out that I was trans to when I willing, and strong enough to accept the stigma that comes with it. I can't judge someone for that.
It really is depressing sometimes. I know why a lot of trans people end up committing suicide.
If I had a choice, I would never choose this.
It's frustrating how with all the medical knowledge out there, trans people are in so many respects second class citizens.
We're faulted for going stealth because people think we're trying to pass ourselves off for something we're not. I am as legitimately lesbian and female and any other woman. We're faulted for not passing well enough. I mean if I try to butch it up a little people don't see that as me expressing a more masculine version of femininity they see it as me not doing a good job at being a woman.
It's a fucking catch 22.
And finally, I just want to say, I've been going on job interviews trying to get a more professional job that pays better and would be in an environment I feel like I'd fit in a little better. Just a weird little observation I had before going into a job interview at an office in Glen Allen. I was wearing heels, a skirt, pantyhose, and full on makeup, what would had me accused of "doing drag" (by ignorant people who aren't really familiar with drag) four years ago and I was so much more confident than I ever was in a suit and tie. It's weird how on job interviews now I'm not really thinking about what I'm wearing while at the actual interview whereas in a suit and tie I was constantly thinking about it.
When I interviewed for a position as an insurance agent, before I transitioned the one thing about how I was dressed that wasn't on my mind during the interview was the fact that I was wearing make-up.
LOL
Here's a link that I thought was a good read:
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