Transpanic? after all this time?

Well I financed a car.

That's a story in and of its self, but I'm not going to go into it here.

Just. you should have seen the piece of shit that I almost bought with the money I used for my down payment.

Anyway, I feel like a woman.

Not in the gendered sense, I mean.

It's been a long time that I've walked to work, and or bought crappy cars that I could pay for out of pocket, and/or were given to me by my parents. Actually, I've never financed a car before....and now I have no spending money.

It makes me think back on my life prior to transitioning and how I really have grown up a lot since transitioning. It's kind of the only argument I can really make to say that this is something I really needed to do.

I'm a grown up...YAY!

Other than that...I guess I've been kinda thinking about my transition and my gender and everything recently. Yeah, I know, gender is something that I think about all the time. Anyway, I have a lot of masculine traits (or traits that I consider masculine). My friends, co-workers, and people who know me might disagree with that, but what I guess I mean to say is that now that all the turmoil of a second adolescence has quieted and I'm really just getting on with my life, I'm realizing more and more that the only way I've really changed is that I've grown up more.

Well, there are other things, I'm more confident, I dress differently, I'm generally in a better mood, I take better care of myself, I'm more openly feminine.

That person I am when I'm falling asleep, or when I'm thinking, or praying, or talking to friends, or working, or doing any of the other things that I do is still the same.

And it makes me wonder whether this transition was something I needed to do.

I mean, I know it is something I needed to do but hypothetically...

It makes me wonder whether maybe I am really just a super super extreme cross-dresser. It makes me wonder whether all this gender presentation of mine is at the core all basically fake.

And when I'm wondering about that and I look at my reflection in the mirror I feel really self-loathing.Which is a feeling I am unfortunately very familiar with.

When I think about being trans, there is a tendency that I have to think of my life as having a time before I was trans, a time when I was normal, so to speak, happy about having been born physically male. But if I actually try to pinpoint that time I realize that it doesn't really exist.

Even when I couldn't really pinpoint what it was, I always felt wrong. I always felt awkward, out of place. I always felt a bit of self loathing and discomfort and feeling that somehow I wasn't what I was supposed to be.

Was I really supposed to be a boy, a man?

I'm writing all of this because: one, I want to be honest. I want people to know that three and a half years after coming out to my parents, very nearly three years on hormones, and a very successful transition, I still have these feelings sometimes. Two, I also want people to know that transitioning isn't such a straight forward thing. I know I needed to transition. I know that I fit more closely into that box that says female than I do male, but those definitions don't fit me any better than anyone else. I mean, I can honestly say that if I told anyone who knows me now that I wonder whether I am really feminine enough they wouldn't really see any justification in it. I am really femme. More femme than most cisgendered women. this whole thing is something that I really had to think about, and I really had to struggle with. And three, I am as influenced by societal standards as anyone else.

All these doubts that I have (which really aren't that major) I know don't come from within. It's just a mild re-occurrence of "transpanic," getting all panicky because of being trans.

I don't know if gay people experienced something similar back in a time and place where being gay wasn't thought to be natural.

You know I go through life with the simple fact that if I'm honest about my past it nullifies my present in the minds of a lot of people. Or even when I keep my past more to myself, someone sees something in a mannerism of mine, or a tone of my voice, or maybe a combination of factors like me being tall and broad shouldered, and they read me as a trans women, and they make assumptions about me that they would never make about any other woman.

Like, I am a lesbian...basically, that isn't so black and white for me either. I was hanging out in a lesbian bar, which I hang out at because I know people, and I like to meet girls, and hopefully meet girls I actually have a chance at dating. This one lady was sitting beside me being really annoying. She asked me how long I'd been out. First I had to ask her to clarify, because I wasn't sure whether she meant "out of the closet" or "out for the evening." She meant out of the closet. I gave her an honest answer. I left out the trans part, because I'm tired of explaining of trying to explain something that I don't really understand. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend.

Okay she read me as trans, then made a whole bunch of assumptions about me because of that that she wouldn't have made about any other woman dressed like I was, hanging out where I was.

Why does the fact that I am a trans woman make it any more acceptable (in anyone's mind) to assume anything about my sexuality. When people assume I'm straight when I'm sitting in a straight bar or grocery shopping, or whatever...okay. I don't look like a lesbian. (I don't look like a trans woman for that matter either).

It's also, why did she read me? My voice, the fact that I was wearing jeans and a hoodie, the fact that I wasn't being overtly feminine, combined with other little things that all added up?

Why is it that as a trans woman if I'm not wearing a skirt or dress with my hair, nails, and makeup looking perfectly I get read? or rather, I don't mind getting read. Why is it in the people who read mes' minds trans is somehow something different. Me dressing a bit more masculinely for a woman (which by the way isn't very masculine) is somehow less valid than any other lesbian dressing masculinely.

How in the hell does a trans woman use clothing and appearance to indicate that she is not (generally speaking) into men without saying something about her gender that she doesn't want to say?

So then of course that whole transpanic that I talked about earlier.

Was I really supposed to be a boy/man? really?!

Honestly, ultimately, like I'm sure I've written about before, is I resolved those doubts after years of struggling with myself and my gender when I asked myself the question of how am I different? How would any other basically healthy female person have reacted in my situation? Isn't it perfectly natural for a female to want to be female?

...
I wanted to write a little today also about how show society influences our sexuality, but I don't have time.
I hope you enjoyed this little rant.

...
Oh and whatever transpanic I was feeling. I'm not really feeling it anymore.