About gender performance and dating.

I'm going to have to retire one of my favorite blouses soon. The reason it is one of my faves is because it is really flattering, makes me look really curvy and really shows off my boobs. When I bought it I had B cups and it was a little snug buttoning the top button. Now I have really full c cups (actually I'm wondering if I won't have to go up a cup size soon) and can't even wear it while wearing a bra. So I wore it Sunday night with every intention of going to a drag show before going to sing Karaoke. I don't really even like drag, and I got distracted on my way to the show, and ended up eating dinner at a friends.

Anyway, it's been a month or two since I've worn that top and my tits were on the verge of popping out all night. A good thing I guess, but I actually don't want to accidentally flash anyone. It's funny though, as an observation, when I had much smaller breasts it seemed ridiculous to be shy about them. Of course, when I had smaller breasts they didn't seem all that much like breasts to me either, but I'm getting off topic.

So I went to karaoke, with my tits as exposed as I would ever feel comfortable in a public place, (The top is ruffled also so I can show a whole lot without it seeming obscene.) and this girl came up to me. "I went to one of your recent shows." She said.

"Huh?" 

"The country Western show a few Sundays ago."

"Oh I don't work at Babe's"

"But don't you do shows?"

It started to dawn on me that she thought I was a performer. (I'd also been a little heavier on the eyeliner than I usually am. I saw a picture of a model with cat eyes in Glamour and thought I'd give it a try). "I don't perform."

"Oh, you should, you'd be really good!"

"I'm not a drag queen." She paused. It was actually hard to tell what she was thinking. "For one thing," I said, "These are real." I pointed to my halfway exposed right breast. "And this gender is my real gender."

Things started to get really awkward and I realized she'd been trying to give me a compliment/flirt with me, and didn't realize that she was being more insulting than anything else, or rather it had just dawned on her and was now a little embarrassed.

The other thing is...I almost never pick up on a feminine person hitting on me. I mean, I can tell when a butch is hitting on me but almost never when a femme is. Perhaps, (personal body issues aside) this has something to do with the fact that I practically never dated before I transitioned.

Speaking of which, I think I have another date, with a guy,(different guy) and I'm a little apprehensive about it. I met him in Babe's, and he's kinda short (though really built) and I read him as a trans guy, or as a possibly trans guy. I probably wouldn't have been so open to conversation with him if I hadn't.

So I gave him my number, and he texted me, a lot, yesterday. He's really into me. 

Here's the thing. I have never dated a guy before. I made out with one guy once shortly after I started living full time. (I don't remember if I was on hormones yet or not) and I didn't really feel any chemistry... then of course I slept with my date when I was a bridesmaid, but he was someone I've known for a while and trust.

It's a bit of a leap for me to go on an actually date with a guy, and I hope he has the sense to realize that. Dating guys isn't something I'm exactly comfortable with. And honestly, I'm not sure that there is any potential with any of them, cisgendered anyway.

Of course, they're a hell of a lot easier to pick up. I mean, I can be really picky when it comes to guys, they seem to make offers constantly.

Then of course the final thing to say, and I'm about out of time, is that well that guy I wrote about last entry, at first was really condescendingly dismissive of me "thanks for writing about me," he said, "You're a great writer." and now I think he took my last entry to mean that I didn't want to be friends with him.

Which isn't what I said. I don't think.