about friendship (by request)

Well I guess I have a date with the wine delivery guy at work. He's been trying to get my number or something for months and I ran into him walking home with groceries yesterday. He asked if I would like to meet him for a drink sometime and I relented and said "sure."

Maybe it'll be a good thing. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere, but I'm trying to be a little more open because I just turned 31 and I've never been in a real committed relationship. I once dated a girl for six months when I was in college, and then after transitioning I dated a trans guy for like two weeks and a lesbian for three months.

Anyway, the wine delivery guy seems like a decent person and seems relatively healthy and mature, all of which would be really nice. I think I'd prefer that a lesbian take an interest in me but as liberal and as accepting as RVA is I think lesbians don't consider me to be someone date-able.

Actually, I'm thinking that perhaps no one does, though I'm going to work on the theory that maybe I've just been too closed for too long...and people pick up on that.

So I have been hanging out with that guy I cut off back in November of last year. He wanted me to write about him, and believe me I've been tempted, but I think he actually reads this blog.

He's going to be starting on T soon. I'm really glad that he will be.

I am of the belief that hormones are a medical need for transsexuals. I know that I was partially stuck in pre-adolescence until I transitioned, and I see that in a few of the pre-transition people that I know, not everyone, but in quite a few. I think puberty is a necessary thing to go through and I think going through the wrong puberty is similar to not going through puberty at all.

I've said this before. There were a lot of things that I just didn't get before I transitioned. And that really affected my ability to function normally.

It's complicated to explain what hormones do for transsexuals, but it is a really big deal.

That said, I've been tolerating a lot from this guy that I wouldn't tolerate otherwise. I'm also beginning to run out of patience.

I mean, I'm not getting angry, it's just that more and more I'm thinking that what I'm going to have to do and keep doing to be his friend is just way more than friendship is worth to me.

I've been trying to figure out a way to write about friendship, or rather what friendship means to me. I have a couple of friends I care a great deal for and have been friends with for a long time. I have a few friends that i haven't known for very long but I really value spending time with them and they're the types of people that I want to have more of in my life. Then there are a few more people who I trust and can depend on and are just really decent people to me and I appreciate their friendship because of that. Then there are more people who I end up spending a lot of time with because we do the same things. Then there are a bunch of people who like me and I like them and maybe we only ever meet occasionally, or we nod at each other when we pass on the street. If I was having a huge party like I used to in college I'd probably invite them.

Basically I commit to people to the level they are willing to commit to me.
I think this is healthy and what most people do.

I think with this guy I've been hanging out with again...he has no idea how he feels about me, and isn't even willing to commit to dinner...or when he does he sulks the whole time and acts like I tricked him into something.

"Investing" in a friendship is bullshit and dishonest. If I call someone to hang out it's because I want to hang out with that person, not because I feel like I need to or should or because I want something else later. If I hang out with someone every night it's because I want to not because I'm trying to build a friendship.

Although, that said, if I hang out with someone like all the time it starts to feel like a relationship.

Especially when he's doing things like kissing me good night. (Okay, little friendly kisses and only once open mouthed).

Of course after a couple of weeks he basically disappeared.

He doesn't want a relationship with me which is fine, but he doesn't seem to understand my limits when it comes to friendship.

Being friends with someone you want to date but aren't going to sucks. I've done that before and learned that however great the friendship it usually isn't worth it.

On top of the mixed signals are the flat out contradictions he makes. I think he doesn't give me credit for having as good of a memory as I do...I here him telling other people things that are completely different from what he told me, for example:

When we first met he told me he had majored in Painting and Printmaking at VCU, just recently he told someone I was talking to that he majored in Kinetic Imaging.

My friends tell me I should just drop him, (except for one) and I'm probably not going to do that...but after our conversation last November (my brother's birthday BTW, yeah I remember the date...arghhh) I don't take him all that seriously. I mean, he really wants to be friends.

I mean he told me once that he really wanted to be friends. Actually he begged. But when it comes down to it he's not really into being a friend.

He broke up with a boyfriend and then decided to spend a whole lot of time with me then he got uncomfortable because he doesn't want to date me and decided to spend no time what soever with me (and hang out with his ex again, and hit on this kid I used to work with. This of course is all speculation.

I think it also might be that he only wants to be my friend when he really feels the need to transition.

Either way I don't think I'm really a part of it.

Just, when he isn't showing off how smart he is in front of my friends, or trying to start an argument or doe something to be the center of attention. He can actually be really, really sweet.

I wish other people (at least other people I know) could see that side of him. It would make me look a little less crazy for putting up with him.

Arghh... He requested that I write about him again. Apparently a lot of people know of him through this blog. I don't know if he'll like what I wrote. Actually he probably won't.

Actually I think he might be really pissed off. I probably would be.

I'd probably stop talking to myself.