Okay, so I've decided that I need to be completely self-employed. I've decided that I will be entirely self-employed. First step: get my internet turned on in my new apartment.
Right now I make around $3 a month online. Actually I make a lot more when I actually do things, like those boring as hell tasks on mechanical turk. Anyway if you don't know I also publish recipes at nateismguru.hubpages.com, and have a vlog (which I haven't updated in a really long time) at nateismguru.youtube.com, and I do make a little bit of money on each. I'm also working on a novel, but it's going to be a while before I finish that.
Anyway check the sites out.
So this line of thinking comes from a couple of different things. One, I'm so close to being able to match my current income without an employer I really think it's possible. I mean if I were to devote about 80 hours a week on mechanical turk I'd make just enough to barely scrape by. Yeah, I don't want to do that; those tasks are mind numbing. Two, I really think it's just who I am. I mean I hate working for someone else because I always have my own projects that I'm working on that seem much more interesting and important to me. I want to be paid based on the value of my ideas and work, not based on the time I spend on the clock. I think that is really why I went to college and became educated.
I've been working towards this goal since I was 17 and I get a little closer every year.
The thing is I went to a bridal shower yesterday. Yeah! a bridal shower! I'm a bridesmaid! Who would have thought even just a few years ago. I didn't know anyone (except the bride of course) and ended up being super quiet like I always get when I don't know people and don't know what to say. This of course led me to the observation that changing my sex really hasn't changed who I am in anyway. I still feel uncomfortably shy in groups of people I don't know. I still retreat into my own thoughts a little. I still feel embarrassed to eat and still pray that I don't win at bingo or something and have to get up in front of everyone.
The nice thing is I did get to meet one of the other bridesmaids and I like her. I mean, despite all the things I wrote in the above paragraph, I'm cool with it, and I'm not really ashamed of it. I mean despite all that, I'm basically comfortable, and though I'm not the social butterfly I like to be, and am when I've had a little to drink or I'm hostess, or in charge. I'm fine with it. And I do meet people, and I do enjoy meeting them.
But I did have a good time, and I'm really glad I went. It was surreal for me also, because after everything I've gone through and all the years I thought I was something completely different, it turns out that I'm basically normal. I mean it was really easy for me to imagine the same bridal shower, only with my cousins, aunt, and grandmother. It wouldn't really be that different.
I'm as American as anyone else.
The other thing I realized is that I kind of like that, and I kind of want that more often in my life. I'm so sick of bars and working in bars and being in an environment where it is socially acceptable to drink heavily, or socially acceptable to use alcohol as a tool to overcome shyness, slef doubt, inhibitions etc. I mean even when I'm not drinking I am in that environment where relationships are shallow, based simply in being the person sitting next to you at the bar, or cooking your food, or serving you drinks.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Except, I don't care about food or alcohol so much to continue making that my life. Nor do I want to spend a whole bunch of hours working on someone else's idea, or for someone else's goals.
I want to cook great food for people I love and care about. I want to spend time decorating and presenting things because I want to do something nice for someone, not just to pay the bills. And I want to make my living doing things that I feel are really important.
Like sharing my life story. I think it is very important that people know who I am and how I think. I don't want to be a statistic, just another transsexual. I mean, I'm real, and it seems that the media, and people who don't know me don't realize that.
Like women smiling at me like they've seen through a magician's trick when I walk by and they read me as trans.
Or men who think I'm some sort of exotic fetishistic third sex.
Also, and lastly. I don't get paid what I am really worth. I'm just as talented, capable, and intelligent and all my friends, and I have great ideas, and really valuable knowledge. I shouldn't be struggling to pay my bills and eat like I am. I'm not a barely above minimum wage person.
I'm a writer, a thinker, a teacher, artist, and I know a shit ton about cooking, people, and life in general.
It's time for me to really start focusing on my own pursuits and leave restaurants and employers behind.
Let's see how long this takes :)
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