things I've been thinking about recently.

Okay, I really hope I can keep this post short. I'm in the library.

I just wanted to write a couple observations I've been making recently.

I kind of miss the warm feeling that wearing women's clothing used to give me when I didn't wear it all the time. Like putting on a bra and panties used to make me feel special and just kind of really good, not in a sexual way exactly, but now it's just underwear. Skirts and dresses are just something I wear. And when I see myself all dressed up, I'm just dressed up.

I didn't think I'd miss this, and I don't miss it enough to ever want to go back to it, but I do kind of miss getting all dressed up and seeing a woman's reflection instead of a man's.

I guess it was the feeling of just relief. And I wouldn't go back to living as a man for anything.
OMG, I'm like one of the girliest persons ever; I don't even like wearing jeans and t-shirts to work. I mean I have nothing against jeans and t-shirts, (though when I wear jeans I like to pair them with heels, or roll them and wear a cute pair of reeboks)...Anyway I don't want to write a blog about clothes.

It's just kind of this observation I've made recently. I do still like looking cute, and dressing womanly, but now it isn't really something special or unique. It just is. Weird, and hard to describe.

I've also been thinking about all the things I've lost through transitioning or because I didn't transition early enough: My best friend, (actually a lot of friends have kinda fallen aside even though they didn't specifically reject me), members of my family.

Also, I really want a relationship. I really need my surgery. I don't know if I can see myself in a relationship until that happens. I mean, seriously, the thought of being sexually intimate with my penis exposed kind of turns my stomach. It isn't that I particularly find it gross, though I kind of do, but more so that it is just so completely not who I am, and it really bothers me that other people can't see me in a sexual way the way I see myself.

It sucks that people see me as something different.

I guess that is the temptation of going stealth. I mean when I was told all my co-workers knew I was trans it really put me in a bad mood for a couple of weeks. I guess it's just this complicated thing about being trans. I'm sort of proud of it, and it is a big part of who I am but maybe only in ways that are very personal. It's kinda like being trans is only important to me and the few people I know with whome I share it. It isn't exactly something I like sharing with cis people. Or I do, but I feel like it's something I'd much rather disclose than have it figured out.

I don't know that trans people will ever be open like gay people, because it is such a personal thing.

I don't know. Anyway this entry is all over the place. I apologize. I'll be more concise later when I have more time and feel like organizing my thoughts better.