Worries

We were approved for our apartment on Wednesday. Yesterday I found out my girlfriend won't be back in town until Monday, so we can't move in until then. The apartment people won't let one of us move in before the other. Today I found out that shooting for the movie she is working on was canceled for today and that they are all worried about getting paid. Target has lost my estradiol prescription. I am freaking out.

I'm worried that if my girlfriend doesn't get paid she won't have the money for our apartment and I won't have anyplace to move into on Monday. That I have decided probably isn't going to happen.

I'm worried that something got screwed up with my estradiol prescription. I dropped both prescriptions off at the same time, I don't know why one wouldn't be in the computer system when the other was. I'm thinking that maybe something was wrong with my blood tests and my prescription was canceled. This I know is highly unlikely. My nurse practitioner would have called me, and then she doesn't know where I get my prescriptions filled so...It's all just a mistake. Target has just simply lost my estradiol prescription. I'm still on edge. I can't even begin to describe what it would be like if my body became any more masculine than it is right now (ie: it started reverting back to its former state).

The thing is I have a severe case of GID. For a while fear was able to keep me from transitioning, until my mid twenties anyway, and even as afraid as I was I took massive amounts of phytoestrogens, and purchased estradiol over the internet. The moment I worked up the courage to leave my apartment and meet people as Natalie it was all over.

I think when I started this blog I was still talking about not being sure I wanted to transition, blah blah blah. That all went out the window when I started socializing as Natalie. Actually what became difficult very quickly was continuing my life as Nathan. That didn't last long. Six months after leaving my apartment as Natalie for the "first" time, I was quitting my insurance sales job. Psychologically I had lost the ability to present as male even part time.

There is no doubt in my mind that I need my estradiol prescription. The fact that very possibility of its being interrupted has me so freaked out should say something. What I hadn't realized prior to transitioning because of fear mostly was that I absolutely hated having a male body. It was actually a fairly traumatic experience for me. I mean I'm kind of a girly girl.

I've had two revelations about myself where all of a sudden I just made sense to myself. The first was when I realized that I am not "probably a transsexual," but I am a female (which makes me transsexual) and that I have always been female, and that I always will be female. The second revelation was that I am a lesbian, I always have been a lesbian, and I always will be a lesbian. The second seems like it should have been obvious to me, but I guess it was that for quite a while in my life I though my sexual attraction towards women was heterosexual. So it was really the realization that sexuality must necessarily involve one's self, and hence since I am utterly incapable of imagining myself sexually as a man I was never heterosexual. Thinking of myself as a rather feminine homosexual female with a boy's body, my entire life made sense to me and it never had before.


I've now been on HRT for almost twelve months. I absolutely have no doubts as to whether it was a medically necessary step for me. I also have no doubts that I will never regret changing my body to be more feminine. I wish I had transitioned earlier in life, and that my bone structure could have been young enough to have benefited from estrogen. Also having experienced the changes I have I know that I do not want to go back. My biggest fear is that some circumstance would force me to. For this reason I REALLY want to get an orchiectomy ASAP.


Obviously my first choice would be SRS, but unfortunately it might be years before I can save for that. An orchiectomy would at least insure that my body doesn't produce testosterone which I have to take medicine to block. I'd still be worried about an interruption in my estradiol, but at least I wouldn't have to also worry about what any free testosterone in my system might do, or worry that my spironalactone prescription might be cut back.

Anyway this entry is rambling. I am stressed out about a few things at once, not the least of which is having everything in order to move into this apartment on Monday.