Month of kidney stones, not so attracted to that trans guy anymore...pheromones?

Well it is Tuesday and time to post.

First I got to say this month of December has been really shitty for me. I've been sick with kidney stones pretty much the whole month. I just had my second one on Saturday and I'm still sore as shit. I called out on Sunday and I should have called out last night but...

I don't make enough money to afford to, plus I had to take out a payday loan to cover the cost of prescriptions and it is going to be a little while before I catch up.

In other news, I have an interview with Aflac tomorrow, and I think I'm going to give insurance sales another go.

I HATE foodservice. I hate wearing nasty sticky work clothes. I hate looking all butch. I hate low wages. I hate the lack of respect I get as a cook.

I mean I feel like a 31 year old educated person should not be worrying whether she's cleaned the flat top or wiped out the sink well enough.

Anyway, yesterday I almost put in two weeks, but then I remembered it was probably a combination of feeling like shit and the painkillers so I suffered it out and bought a six pack on the way home.

Actually Monday night is my night for karaoke, but when I stopped by it was just a little too loud for me. I wanted a really quiet bar.

Second thing is that my car is at the shop, the car I just bought not even a month ago, yeah. Anyway, it's something with the electronics and I tend to have an effect on electronics. I have a rental which just isn't a cute, I mean, it's blue; I will never wear blue lipstick. Also it isn't European, and it doesn't have heated seats. What do they think I am, a savage?

Anyway, and seriously, I did want to mention that that trans guy I've been somewhat infatuated with for over a year now finally started T. He also asked me not to write about him because he doesn't like how he comes across in my writing.

Well I haven't mentioned him by name.

But anyway the only reason I mention him is that now I'm just not as attracted to him as I have been. Maybe this whole time it's been pheromones

And, I'm looking elsewhere. Or rather I have been. I don't date much, which I'd really like to change, but I don't know if I can. For one I have dangly bits in places where I shouldn't, and that kind of robs me of quiet a bit of confidence. I don't like them...actually, I don't find peni (really think the plural of penis should be peni) attractive on anyone. And yeah, especially when I'm interested in someone who isn't trans I'm perhaps overly cautious.

Oh well.

I can see myself as a successful insurance agent.

So anyway, I don't have a lot to write about today.

And I really am not so girly as to pick a car color to match my lipstick.

Though I have to admit, I kind of like that my normal car does.

Kidney Stones, Geeking out at a Christmas party, more about trans stigma, and interviews

I went to my first Christmas party of the season Saturday night. I didn't really know anyone there except for my date...

Actually it wasn't that awkward. I was quiet and didn't really open up too much to anyone. I drank beer and said excuse me a lot. 

Basically I can't say that I came across as all that outgoing, but oh well. Anyway stuff like that doesn't bother me anymore, and I was recovering from a kidney stone, which, by the way, is a rather hellish experience.

Actually I'll start with that, and I'll try to be brief.

Last week after writing an entry in this blog I went out to happy hour at Babe's and had several beers. I was actually in the mood to party, and go out to Karaoke, and stay out late. Sad to say I don't do that all that often anymore. I'm too much of an adult. But anyway, I was sitting at the Bar in Babe's thinking about those dollar tacos that Weezie's sells and about how hungry I was when all of sudden my back started hurting.

It felt like I pulled a muscle. 

And it got worse, and worse, and I had to excuse myself and go home.

When I got home I took off my clothes and lay down in bed. The pain got worse and soon I had to get up every so often to vomit. 

I called my friend who is a nurse and told her I thought whatever was wrong with my back was actually kind of serious, and got her to come over with pain medicine and a heating pad.

Well six pills of Ibuprofin worked for a while but by 530 in the morning I was in so much pain that I finally called an ambulance. I don't have money for medical bills, which is why I held off for so long, but by 530 in the morning I was in so much pain that I didn't feel like I really had a choice.

I threw on a t-shirt and jeans, grabbed my purse and jacket and met the EMTs outside without any shoes on. They put an IV in and drove me to MCV.

At MCV I was finally diagnosed with Kidney stones, and after a long forty five minutes with a dose of painkiller that only dulled the pain slightly, a cat scan, and the official diagnosis I was given something good, and spent the next several hours high as a kite.

I actually had a job interview over the telephone scheduled for that afternoon, which I was home for but I guess I was still a little out of it because I answered the phone with "Hi :) I actually just got out of the hospital for kidney stones."

The lady on the phone told me to email HR and reschedule which I did, but they never emailed me back.

Oh well....

Anyway, I called out of work Thursday, Friday I should have, but working at barely above poverty wages I couldn't afford to, and Saturday night I wasn't completely myself. 

So I didn't have much to say...but I'm also the type who really listens to people and gets to know what they're like a little bit before I start talking a lot.

Anyway...

Of course there was this moment when the TARDIS was mentioned by someone who said she was a Doctor Who fan. She said it was red. I had to say something.

The TARDIS is blue and it always has been. We had a discussion for a while which ended up with a quick check on the internet and she conceding to me. At which point she called the Delorean from Back to the Future black.

"No," I said, "the Delorean is silver. Or actually, stainless steel. The stainless steel construction does something to help the flux capacitor" While I'm saying this, I'm actually really glad that couldn't remember the exact Doc Brown quote talking about the stainless steel construction, and I was really hoping she wouldn't bring up Lord of the Rings, because I was really geeking out.

I like Doctor Who, Back to the Future, and Lord of the Rings. Those are my three really geeky things that I really like. 

Anyway...So much for keeping my composure as a not geeky person.

Then we went to Babe's.

And despite my date pressuring me to drive faster and "gun it" past people. I followed drove very cautiously. I was fine to drive but knew I was legally intoxicated....that only takes two beers.

And then I had no money to get into Babe's and I guess I missed the part where the bartender told the person I was with that she could put the cover on her card. She motioned me in and I stood back until the door person told me it was okay.

Arghhh...totally came across as this uptight person who follows all the rules and gets upset if the TARDIS or the Delorean are called the wrong color.

I'm really not that nerdy.

Okay well after I got into Babe's I ended up in this conversation with someone who was drunkenly confiding in me that she thinks she'd like to date someone who is in between sexes. Neither male nor female.

I asked her if she meant intersexed. She said she did but then started talking about two of her relatives who transitioned and I kind of think she was really talking about transsexuals.

One had been a gay guy who is now a lesbian, and another had been a lesbian who is now a gay guy.

Well I was a "straight guy" who is now a lesbian. I didn't bring that up. I told her that I didn't think it was fucked up to be attracted to people like that when she asked me if I thought it was.

We've met before, and she recognized me, and it's hard for me to believe that she didn't know that I transitioned, but at the same time telling someone who is trans that you think it is fucked up to want to specifically date someone who is trans...I don't know. I seems like a bit of a social faux pas.

Of course she also started talking about how her family just accepts her relatives who did transition and how she thinks it's great that they knew who they wanted to be and became it, and how people shouldn't be ashamed or try to hide who they are.

Which may or may not have been trying to nudge me into "coming out" to her as someone who has transitioned.

I didn't.

And it isn't that I'm ashamed of it; I'm very much not stealth, but at the same time, for practical reasons, I feel like it is better for me not to be so open about it.

It's the whole, I actually would like to meet and have a relationship with someone. I already have to face the discomfort a lot of cisgendered people feel at being attracted to someone physically different like I am, but then on top of that there is the social stigma of being trans.

By not being stealth I hope to combat that a little, but there's the thing that's happened to me, where this girl is really attracted to me, we might even be making out, and she gets pulled aside by her friends who say something to her, which I imagine is along the lines of "you're drunk, do you know what you're doing with her? You know what she is, right?" and then she isn't interested in me anymore.

Or, the people who are into me because of a fetish.

I'm uncomfortable with my body, and I am never going to get over that without surgery. I still would really like to have a relationship with someone, and I think I would be an awesome girl to date, but I would never be interested in being with someone who was into parts of me that I don't identify with, and with people who seem like they might be able to get past my abnormal anatomy, there's the whole social stigma that I think limits my options.

It's be nice to say that if they can't get past the social stigma of dating a pre-op trans woman than they aren't worth dating, but the truth is that's a big fucking stigma and it took me a long time from when I figured out that I was trans to when I willing, and strong enough to accept the stigma that comes with it. I can't judge someone for that.

It really is depressing sometimes. I know why a lot of trans people end up committing suicide.

If I had a choice, I would never choose this. 

It's frustrating how with all the medical knowledge out there, trans people are in so many respects second class citizens.

We're faulted for going stealth because people think we're trying to pass ourselves off for something we're not. I am as legitimately lesbian and female and any other woman. We're faulted for not passing well enough. I mean if I try to butch it up a little people don't see that as me expressing a more masculine version of femininity they see it as me not doing a good job at being a woman. 

It's a fucking catch 22. 

And finally, I just want to say, I've been going on job interviews trying to get a more professional job that pays better and would be in an environment I feel like I'd fit in a little better. Just a weird little observation I had before going into a job interview at an office in Glen Allen. I was wearing heels, a skirt, pantyhose, and full on makeup, what would had me accused of "doing drag" (by ignorant people who aren't really familiar with drag) four years ago and I was so much more confident than I ever was in a suit and tie. It's weird how on job interviews now I'm not really thinking about what I'm wearing while at the actual interview whereas in a suit and tie I was constantly thinking about it.

When I interviewed for a position as an insurance agent, before I transitioned the one thing about how I was dressed that wasn't on my mind during the interview was the fact that I was wearing make-up.

LOL

Here's a link that I thought was a good read:

Myths About Gender Confirmation Surgery

A really short post; no time to blog today. Check back tomorrow

This is going to be really short.

I said last week that I was going to blog every Tuesday. I only have 15 more minutes in the library so I won't be able to write a full post.

But :)

Sometime tomorrow I'm going to write a post about job interviews and a drunken conversations.

Anyway :)

For once I didn't lie when I said it was going to be a short post

Thoughts about a blog I meant to write last week and on being "straight"

So I have this goal of trying to write an entry every Tuesday. Let's see how long I can keep that up :)

Anyway...

Last week I wanted to write a little bit about how I think our society affects our sexualities and I didn't. I ended up writing about some doubts that I deal with rather frequently.

I've had a week to think about it now, plus a comment that was brought to my attention. This trans guy who I'm very attracted to, who tends to send me mixed signals, who isn't on T yet (or he just started), who I don't think is mature enough for me to date anyway, but if the situation were to arise I'd probably say fuck it and date him anyway....

Actually, I don't know.

In the past three to four years I have been growing up really quickly, kind of catching up so to speak, but now post transition I really feel like a normal 31 year old woman. And I really don't want to go back to being 26, and I don't want to date someone who is going through all that stuff, especially someone who is just starting the process of transitioning.

Transition was wonderful and a whole lot of fun, but I'm kind of glad that it is over and I'm ready to move past it.

I mean, I'm probably not the type of person to go stealth, and I really do want to be a supportive of the people in my life who are transitioning. I also think that trans issues and theories are always going to be important to me. I just  don't think I'd want to be dating someone going through that process.

Not that I think I'd have to relive to much of my own transition or carry too much of the person's transition.

But,

Basically it was this comment I was told about that really got me thinking and really put things into perspective for me:

"Some straight girls (Natalie) want me to end up being a straight guy"

or it was something to that affect anyway.

First, I found it kind of funny. However you define me I'm not straight. (That is actually a physical impossibility for me, LOL)

Anyway,

I was going to write a blog entry about how I'd never feel comfortable dating a man, how I find men attractive sometimes but I wouldn't feel comfortable actually having sex with them, how I thought that maybe that had something to do with having been raised male in a homophobic society and how maybe despite having transitioned there is still some learned attitudes towards me being with a man that I can't overcome.

Then, I realized that whole line of argument is kind of bull shit.

I don't find muscles, or body hair, or penises to be at all attractive. Actually I find them to be kind of repulsive.

I am attracted to boyish looking females. A lot of boyish looking "females" end up turning out to actually be trans men pre-transition, but when I am attracted to them that isn't what I'm responding to.

I do find masculinity to be attractive (in the type of people I am attracted to) and the whole thing becomes really confusing to me because a lot of the time I don't see someone's sex so much as I do their gender. But that doesn't change the fact that the type of body I am attracted to is female, very androgynous female.

Something so basic that I almost feel shallow for putting it this way but a person's body plays a very big part in whether or not I find that person attractive.

I am not attracted to physically male people enough to want to date them. I'm 31. I'm post transition. This isn't likely to change.

"Some straight girls (Natalie) want me to end up being a straight guy" The thing about this is...by the time that happened I seriously don't know that I'd still find him attractive.

And that might be a real relief. Nothing complicates a friendship like sexual attraction.

Also, as weird as it sounds. The argument I was going to make had something to do with having at points in my life identified as a heterosexual male and not wanting to let go of the last remaining part of that identity. But then again, when I was 13 thinking about transitioning I assumed I would end up being a heterosexual female. I thought that it wasn't so much the type of person I was attracted to but the type of relationship. I mean had I ended up being het female I would have ended up being the girl in a familiar type of relationship, whereas this whole lesbian thing is something I need to figure out. In a very real way by staying the same I have changed, and no experience I had ever had prior to transitioning could have let me know what it would feel like right now.

I mean when it comes down to it, sexuality is so complicated and hormones are so powerful that I think it is a mistake to approach transition with the attitude that "I am going to be such and such..." just relax and let the ride take you where it is going to take you.

I think the right attitude to take when transitioning is an attitude where you question everything. I knew myself at 13 but I didn't have any idea who I would be at 27, just like at 27 I had no idea who I would be post transition, just like right now I don't know who I will be when I am old.

I have to say that it's weird that before transitioning holding onto the idea of being "straight" was comforting whereas now being "straight" is a little disconcerting.

I'm going to keep an open mind. Maybe there is some guy out there who I'll totally fall in love with (even when he has hair and muscles and all that gross stuff) but I doubt it.