about friendship (by request)

Well I guess I have a date with the wine delivery guy at work. He's been trying to get my number or something for months and I ran into him walking home with groceries yesterday. He asked if I would like to meet him for a drink sometime and I relented and said "sure."

Maybe it'll be a good thing. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere, but I'm trying to be a little more open because I just turned 31 and I've never been in a real committed relationship. I once dated a girl for six months when I was in college, and then after transitioning I dated a trans guy for like two weeks and a lesbian for three months.

Anyway, the wine delivery guy seems like a decent person and seems relatively healthy and mature, all of which would be really nice. I think I'd prefer that a lesbian take an interest in me but as liberal and as accepting as RVA is I think lesbians don't consider me to be someone date-able.

Actually, I'm thinking that perhaps no one does, though I'm going to work on the theory that maybe I've just been too closed for too long...and people pick up on that.

So I have been hanging out with that guy I cut off back in November of last year. He wanted me to write about him, and believe me I've been tempted, but I think he actually reads this blog.

He's going to be starting on T soon. I'm really glad that he will be.

I am of the belief that hormones are a medical need for transsexuals. I know that I was partially stuck in pre-adolescence until I transitioned, and I see that in a few of the pre-transition people that I know, not everyone, but in quite a few. I think puberty is a necessary thing to go through and I think going through the wrong puberty is similar to not going through puberty at all.

I've said this before. There were a lot of things that I just didn't get before I transitioned. And that really affected my ability to function normally.

It's complicated to explain what hormones do for transsexuals, but it is a really big deal.

That said, I've been tolerating a lot from this guy that I wouldn't tolerate otherwise. I'm also beginning to run out of patience.

I mean, I'm not getting angry, it's just that more and more I'm thinking that what I'm going to have to do and keep doing to be his friend is just way more than friendship is worth to me.

I've been trying to figure out a way to write about friendship, or rather what friendship means to me. I have a couple of friends I care a great deal for and have been friends with for a long time. I have a few friends that i haven't known for very long but I really value spending time with them and they're the types of people that I want to have more of in my life. Then there are a few more people who I trust and can depend on and are just really decent people to me and I appreciate their friendship because of that. Then there are more people who I end up spending a lot of time with because we do the same things. Then there are a bunch of people who like me and I like them and maybe we only ever meet occasionally, or we nod at each other when we pass on the street. If I was having a huge party like I used to in college I'd probably invite them.

Basically I commit to people to the level they are willing to commit to me.
I think this is healthy and what most people do.

I think with this guy I've been hanging out with again...he has no idea how he feels about me, and isn't even willing to commit to dinner...or when he does he sulks the whole time and acts like I tricked him into something.

"Investing" in a friendship is bullshit and dishonest. If I call someone to hang out it's because I want to hang out with that person, not because I feel like I need to or should or because I want something else later. If I hang out with someone every night it's because I want to not because I'm trying to build a friendship.

Although, that said, if I hang out with someone like all the time it starts to feel like a relationship.

Especially when he's doing things like kissing me good night. (Okay, little friendly kisses and only once open mouthed).

Of course after a couple of weeks he basically disappeared.

He doesn't want a relationship with me which is fine, but he doesn't seem to understand my limits when it comes to friendship.

Being friends with someone you want to date but aren't going to sucks. I've done that before and learned that however great the friendship it usually isn't worth it.

On top of the mixed signals are the flat out contradictions he makes. I think he doesn't give me credit for having as good of a memory as I do...I here him telling other people things that are completely different from what he told me, for example:

When we first met he told me he had majored in Painting and Printmaking at VCU, just recently he told someone I was talking to that he majored in Kinetic Imaging.

My friends tell me I should just drop him, (except for one) and I'm probably not going to do that...but after our conversation last November (my brother's birthday BTW, yeah I remember the date...arghhh) I don't take him all that seriously. I mean, he really wants to be friends.

I mean he told me once that he really wanted to be friends. Actually he begged. But when it comes down to it he's not really into being a friend.

He broke up with a boyfriend and then decided to spend a whole lot of time with me then he got uncomfortable because he doesn't want to date me and decided to spend no time what soever with me (and hang out with his ex again, and hit on this kid I used to work with. This of course is all speculation.

I think it also might be that he only wants to be my friend when he really feels the need to transition.

Either way I don't think I'm really a part of it.

Just, when he isn't showing off how smart he is in front of my friends, or trying to start an argument or doe something to be the center of attention. He can actually be really, really sweet.

I wish other people (at least other people I know) could see that side of him. It would make me look a little less crazy for putting up with him.

Arghh... He requested that I write about him again. Apparently a lot of people know of him through this blog. I don't know if he'll like what I wrote. Actually he probably won't.

Actually I think he might be really pissed off. I probably would be.

I'd probably stop talking to myself.

Definitions (again) which aren't mainstream ideas yet but are true nonetheless

I haven't had much to write about recently.

Not that there hasn't been anything happening, just nothing happening that I really feel like writing about in this blog. Too many people I know read this blog and there are some situations I don't want to post about here.

Some good some bad.

Anyway, I haven't written about my troubles with the TG clinic recently, and I won't. Overall I think they're doing a wonderful thing...they probably saved my life.

Also for whatever reason a lot of people I know have been making a lot of progress in their transitions recently.

I have kind of been coming to a new sense of understanding of myself as trans recently also. Which is interesting. It's really hard to explain. I do not identify as transgender. There is nothing trans about my gender, or gender expressions, or likes and dislikes, or my identity for that matter. But I do have a trans experience, and appreciation for which I'm increasingly proud of. I've toyed with the idea of doing drag (female to male) but the truth is I couldn't bear to see it. So as awesome as I think drag kings are I could never do it. Perhaps I'm not quite over the trauma of being misgendered for such a long time. On the other hand, I'm really not that type of girl. Masculinity is something I don't identify with enough to ever want to express. (masculinity referring in this instance to how one experiences their gender)

So, I am not transgender. I've talked about this with other transsexuals and maybe a few cissexuals. I don't know if cissexual cisgender people are capable of understanding it.

So to define terms (again):

Gender is how one experiences the world in terms of being masculine or feminine (or in between).
Sex is to what extent one's body is male or female.
Gender Identity refers to the innate sense of one's body (or what that body is supposed to be) as male, or female (or somewhere in between).
Transsexual is someone who's gender identity is not the same as their sex
Transgender is someone who's gender is not the same as their gender identity.

Make sense?

It is possible to be transsexual but not transgender, and it is possible to be transgender and not transsexual.

At one point I experienced my gender (masculine) as something different than my gender identity (female).
My gender never seemed natural to me (like feminine does) but I never the less experienced it. That made me transgender. I also experienced my gender identity (female) as different from my sex (male) which made me transsexual.
I gravitated towards my natural gender (feminine) over time and as I matured and became more confident in myself as a person. My natural gender matches my gender identity but not my sex. Hence I am transsexual not transgender. And there is a difference.