Well I burnt a whole bunch of pork at work. I left it in the oven overnight at 350 when I was supposed to leave it in overnight at 200. Anyway I am near panic attack about this.
As a teenager I used to stress out about work. I worked in a restaurant for three years and for the first two I was convinced I was on the verge of being fired. Turns out I wasn't. They were very happy with me. Anyway I outgrew that nervousness about working, or thought I did. I am seriously stressing out making mistakes at work and it's getting to the point that I think it might be a real issue.
I need to start making income on my own, apart from an employer, just to relieve some of this stress. I mean. I don't necessarily have to quit my day job, but I think I do need to start making a significant portion of my income elsewhere.
I don't think it is healthy to worry about everything as much as I am.
Plus I need to make a significant amount more money than I already make, like double.
On a positive note I'm on page 102 of the novel I'm writing, and I feel pretty good about it. It's a bit of a mess right now but I think it won't be that difficult to clean up and I think it will sell.
I look more like a novelist than I do a cook.
I think what is happening is that I'm getting to the point in my life where I can't work for other people. I think with writing, I might have finally found something that will actually pay some bills and I won't have to answer to a boss or follow a set schedule. I have this personality where I like to have projects and free reign to complete them as I see fit, not tasks to complete. I think that is why in school I was never much for math homework but I really got into papers and art projects.
Writing is a lot of work, and right now my novel, my blog, my hubpages etc. feels much more important to me than my day job. My day job pays the bills but hopefully my writing is my career. My heart isn't in cooking like it used to be, if it ever really was.
I hate to say I peaked as a cook, but I kind of feel like I did when I was 26. I know more now than I did then, and I think my recipes are much better but it's not something I get excited about anymore, and it isn't something I want to take home with me. Though I still really enjoy cooking at home; that's different.
Plus one thing that really bothers me, and always has really, is wearing kitchen clothing. I hate that my shoes don't look clean, and my jeans are stained and I have to wear old t-shirts most of the time. I feel like dressing in a more professional manner definitely fits my personality more.
I should be the girl who always looks put together, and doesn't chip her nails at work.
The thing is, I have a great kitchen job. It's pretty close to what I've been looking for in a restaurant for a long time. The food we send out is something I can take pride in and I get to be creative at work. It is a pretty cool thing that I get to make pies, and roast turkeys and get paid for it.
I guess the thing is: I'm thirty. I know who I am and I'm pretty happy with that person. I am finally (basically) happy with the body I have and my appearance. I like being the person that I am. I just feel like cooking is this holdover from a person I never really was to begin with.
Oh and on another note: I sang karaoke last night and ended up having to carry my boots when I walked home. I passed a woman on the street at 2 in the morning. She wished me happy mardigras. It's a wonderful thing to be identified with rather than held with caution; she would never have wished me a happy mardigras in the same situation if I looked like a man.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Thoughts about who I am and the life I want to live. Time to become completely self- employed
Okay, so I've decided that I need to be completely self-employed. I've decided that I will be entirely self-employed. First step: get my internet turned on in my new apartment.
Right now I make around $3 a month online. Actually I make a lot more when I actually do things, like those boring as hell tasks on mechanical turk. Anyway if you don't know I also publish recipes at nateismguru.hubpages.com, and have a vlog (which I haven't updated in a really long time) at nateismguru.youtube.com, and I do make a little bit of money on each. I'm also working on a novel, but it's going to be a while before I finish that.
Anyway check the sites out.
So this line of thinking comes from a couple of different things. One, I'm so close to being able to match my current income without an employer I really think it's possible. I mean if I were to devote about 80 hours a week on mechanical turk I'd make just enough to barely scrape by. Yeah, I don't want to do that; those tasks are mind numbing. Two, I really think it's just who I am. I mean I hate working for someone else because I always have my own projects that I'm working on that seem much more interesting and important to me. I want to be paid based on the value of my ideas and work, not based on the time I spend on the clock. I think that is really why I went to college and became educated.
I've been working towards this goal since I was 17 and I get a little closer every year.
The thing is I went to a bridal shower yesterday. Yeah! a bridal shower! I'm a bridesmaid! Who would have thought even just a few years ago. I didn't know anyone (except the bride of course) and ended up being super quiet like I always get when I don't know people and don't know what to say. This of course led me to the observation that changing my sex really hasn't changed who I am in anyway. I still feel uncomfortably shy in groups of people I don't know. I still retreat into my own thoughts a little. I still feel embarrassed to eat and still pray that I don't win at bingo or something and have to get up in front of everyone.
The nice thing is I did get to meet one of the other bridesmaids and I like her. I mean, despite all the things I wrote in the above paragraph, I'm cool with it, and I'm not really ashamed of it. I mean despite all that, I'm basically comfortable, and though I'm not the social butterfly I like to be, and am when I've had a little to drink or I'm hostess, or in charge. I'm fine with it. And I do meet people, and I do enjoy meeting them.
But I did have a good time, and I'm really glad I went. It was surreal for me also, because after everything I've gone through and all the years I thought I was something completely different, it turns out that I'm basically normal. I mean it was really easy for me to imagine the same bridal shower, only with my cousins, aunt, and grandmother. It wouldn't really be that different.
I'm as American as anyone else.
The other thing I realized is that I kind of like that, and I kind of want that more often in my life. I'm so sick of bars and working in bars and being in an environment where it is socially acceptable to drink heavily, or socially acceptable to use alcohol as a tool to overcome shyness, slef doubt, inhibitions etc. I mean even when I'm not drinking I am in that environment where relationships are shallow, based simply in being the person sitting next to you at the bar, or cooking your food, or serving you drinks.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Except, I don't care about food or alcohol so much to continue making that my life. Nor do I want to spend a whole bunch of hours working on someone else's idea, or for someone else's goals.
I want to cook great food for people I love and care about. I want to spend time decorating and presenting things because I want to do something nice for someone, not just to pay the bills. And I want to make my living doing things that I feel are really important.
Like sharing my life story. I think it is very important that people know who I am and how I think. I don't want to be a statistic, just another transsexual. I mean, I'm real, and it seems that the media, and people who don't know me don't realize that.
Like women smiling at me like they've seen through a magician's trick when I walk by and they read me as trans.
Or men who think I'm some sort of exotic fetishistic third sex.
Also, and lastly. I don't get paid what I am really worth. I'm just as talented, capable, and intelligent and all my friends, and I have great ideas, and really valuable knowledge. I shouldn't be struggling to pay my bills and eat like I am. I'm not a barely above minimum wage person.
I'm a writer, a thinker, a teacher, artist, and I know a shit ton about cooking, people, and life in general.
It's time for me to really start focusing on my own pursuits and leave restaurants and employers behind.
Let's see how long this takes :)
I
Right now I make around $3 a month online. Actually I make a lot more when I actually do things, like those boring as hell tasks on mechanical turk. Anyway if you don't know I also publish recipes at nateismguru.hubpages.com, and have a vlog (which I haven't updated in a really long time) at nateismguru.youtube.com, and I do make a little bit of money on each. I'm also working on a novel, but it's going to be a while before I finish that.
Anyway check the sites out.
So this line of thinking comes from a couple of different things. One, I'm so close to being able to match my current income without an employer I really think it's possible. I mean if I were to devote about 80 hours a week on mechanical turk I'd make just enough to barely scrape by. Yeah, I don't want to do that; those tasks are mind numbing. Two, I really think it's just who I am. I mean I hate working for someone else because I always have my own projects that I'm working on that seem much more interesting and important to me. I want to be paid based on the value of my ideas and work, not based on the time I spend on the clock. I think that is really why I went to college and became educated.
I've been working towards this goal since I was 17 and I get a little closer every year.
The thing is I went to a bridal shower yesterday. Yeah! a bridal shower! I'm a bridesmaid! Who would have thought even just a few years ago. I didn't know anyone (except the bride of course) and ended up being super quiet like I always get when I don't know people and don't know what to say. This of course led me to the observation that changing my sex really hasn't changed who I am in anyway. I still feel uncomfortably shy in groups of people I don't know. I still retreat into my own thoughts a little. I still feel embarrassed to eat and still pray that I don't win at bingo or something and have to get up in front of everyone.
The nice thing is I did get to meet one of the other bridesmaids and I like her. I mean, despite all the things I wrote in the above paragraph, I'm cool with it, and I'm not really ashamed of it. I mean despite all that, I'm basically comfortable, and though I'm not the social butterfly I like to be, and am when I've had a little to drink or I'm hostess, or in charge. I'm fine with it. And I do meet people, and I do enjoy meeting them.
But I did have a good time, and I'm really glad I went. It was surreal for me also, because after everything I've gone through and all the years I thought I was something completely different, it turns out that I'm basically normal. I mean it was really easy for me to imagine the same bridal shower, only with my cousins, aunt, and grandmother. It wouldn't really be that different.
I'm as American as anyone else.
The other thing I realized is that I kind of like that, and I kind of want that more often in my life. I'm so sick of bars and working in bars and being in an environment where it is socially acceptable to drink heavily, or socially acceptable to use alcohol as a tool to overcome shyness, slef doubt, inhibitions etc. I mean even when I'm not drinking I am in that environment where relationships are shallow, based simply in being the person sitting next to you at the bar, or cooking your food, or serving you drinks.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Except, I don't care about food or alcohol so much to continue making that my life. Nor do I want to spend a whole bunch of hours working on someone else's idea, or for someone else's goals.
I want to cook great food for people I love and care about. I want to spend time decorating and presenting things because I want to do something nice for someone, not just to pay the bills. And I want to make my living doing things that I feel are really important.
Like sharing my life story. I think it is very important that people know who I am and how I think. I don't want to be a statistic, just another transsexual. I mean, I'm real, and it seems that the media, and people who don't know me don't realize that.
Like women smiling at me like they've seen through a magician's trick when I walk by and they read me as trans.
Or men who think I'm some sort of exotic fetishistic third sex.
Also, and lastly. I don't get paid what I am really worth. I'm just as talented, capable, and intelligent and all my friends, and I have great ideas, and really valuable knowledge. I shouldn't be struggling to pay my bills and eat like I am. I'm not a barely above minimum wage person.
I'm a writer, a thinker, a teacher, artist, and I know a shit ton about cooking, people, and life in general.
It's time for me to really start focusing on my own pursuits and leave restaurants and employers behind.
Let's see how long this takes :)
I
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