trying to lose weight, me on the benjamin scale which I think is false anyway

     Well I am going to embark on a mission to lose 34lbs. First let me say I don't look fat, but according to the national BMI thingy I need to be 34lbs lighter to be within healthy range and quite honestly I'll look amazing 34lbs lighter. I'm focusing all my exercises on that leftover guy bulk I have; around the waist, and my upper arms. It'll show in my face as well. Honestly when I looked at myself and tried to figure out where the hell I could take 34lbs from those were the places....so wish me luck. Anyway I'm much more motivated out of a sense of vanity than out of a sense of health conscious, of course I do have to lose at least 14lbs to be eligible for srs. And I talked yesterday about how much srs means to me.
     So I did spend some time looking at the Harry Benjamin spectrum scales of transsexual yesterday. I would fall somewhere between "true transsexual moderate intensity" and "true transsexual high intensity." I kind of seem to be more towards primary transsexual, which is the highest level of tranny there is. Of course, I argued against that whole spectrum idea in my essay, and honestly I at least convinced myself with my argument. I think I convinced or intrigued my therapist also. She suggested I try to publish it. I might.
     Now a high intensity transsexual usually is living as their target gender (at least part time) by 25, is four to six on the kinsey sexuality scale, which means mostly homosexual to completely homosexual, or rather (since I disagree with the premise that a mtf transsexual was ever male to begin with) heterosexual as their target sex, always and strongly insisted that they are female, isn't capable of acting very masculine, and is at risk of mutilating their genitals if they don't receive SRS within the near future.
     A moderate intensity transsexual transitions around forty, is around a 3 or 4 (bisexual, asexual, or auto-erotic but leaning towards homosexual, or heterosexual in their target sex) on the kinsey scale, didn't start insisting they were female until later in life, excelled at being masculine, and seeks sex change.
     I was living part time as a female around twenty seven and a half. I was basically asexual or auto-erotic as a male. I had an almost non-existent sex life, and almost all my sexual fantasies involved myself as a female having sex with a male. Still do actually, but I never saw myself in a relationship with a man and it's still hard for me to imagine. Also (now) I am more physically attracted towards women. I was, for the most part always aware of being female, but I did hide it. I was never in "denial" like a moderate intesity transsexual, but I did read enough gender theory at an early age to convince myself that I didn't "have to" transition.  I was able to act masculine but I don't think I excelled at it. My hyper masculine had really androgynous interests and came across as a little weird to most people. Actually almost everyone I knew as a guy at one point asked me if I was gay or not, but I'm also told I acted very masculinely. Oh and I would never mutilate my genitals. I am too rational for that and I see that as something that might get in the way of surgery. Though I have played with the idea many times in the past. So I think between the two I more closely fit high intensity transsexual.
     Of course I argued against the whole thing, and I don't know that I just don't ever see me having sex with a man. I think it's more about being penetrated. Which I don't need a man for. And I don't think that cross-dressers and transsexuals are the same thing. I don't think cross-dressing should be put down, and maybe some of it is for deep feeling of innate femininity, but I don't think feeling feminine is necessarily the same thing as feeling like a woman. Not all women feel feminine. Not all women are heterosexual. Neither makes them any less women. Transsexuality is having the gender identity of a female nothing more. I did luck out in that my gender and gender expression are innately feminine. Because it did take an effort for me to act masculine, and my interests and ideas are genuinely feminine.
     I guess I could end up angering a lot of transgendered people. I'm not trying to put down cross-dressing. I think it is awesome and I do think it expresses gender. But I think there is a big difference from having a need to express a feminine gender and needing to be female. Being a woman has nothing to do with preferring skirts and dresses to pants. If you do, that doesn't necessarily say anything about your innate gender identity. That's just me.