An understanding of myself sexually

I'm in the process of writing a novel: kind of a tragic love story between a mtf transsexual and a born again Christiangling lesbian. Both are struggling with their identities and ultimately the relationship can never work. Anyway it's going to be really good. I hope that next week when I'm off for fourth of July I can pound out a first draft. I'd like to finish by the end of July. That sounds like it isn't very much time, but this novel is going to be very autobiographical so it's pretty much just telling a story I already know and changing some details.

I wanted to post a blog entry because I came to an understanding abut myself hanging out with a friend the other day. Basically I'm heterosexual. I think that for me sexual attraction is always going to be more mental than physical. When it comes to looking for a sexual partner I am definitely looking more for a mind that compliments my own than I am for a physical attraction, though it does play a part. I can't see myself with a cis-gendered man or woman, and I also can't see myself attracted to a trans woman. Basically the type of person I am attracted to is female to male. Until recently I thought that I would slowly lose interest in a person when they were on T, but what I realize is that it's someone's personality and mind that I am really attracted to. Seeing someone's body match their gender is sexy, and seeing someone become more themselves because they aren't encumbered by a hormone their mind isn't equipped to handle well is also sexy. I don't see myself with a cis-guy not because they are somehow more male than a trans guy but because they lack the experience that trans people have. I mean trans guys have a sensitivity born from experience that cis guys don't have, and quite honestly maybe I don't trust a cis guy to understand or appreciate my feminity and my feminine body.

I think that for me it is important to find a partner whom I can share the most important aspects of my personality with. While being trans isn't so much of an identity for me anymore, having lived part of my life in a body which did not match my mind is. I don't think I could be sexually satisfied by someone who hasn't experienced that. I don't know how to explain it except that I am a trans woman who thinks trans guys are sexy as hell. This makes me completely heterosexual and completely queer.