Something I'm proud of

Well, not much to write about today.

I put in a resume to work with a non-profit. I would be an HIV testing/prevention counselor. I really hope I get this job. I won't write to much more about it.

One thing I did want to write about, just because I'm kind of proud of myself. I went out on Saturday night and this girl who doesn't really know me but has seen me for a while came up to me and bought me a drink. She's a girl who is in Babe's every Saturday night and was always very sweet when I would come to pick up glasses off her table, but we've never really talked. Actually I kind of read her as FTM the first few times I saw her. Anyway she had a friend with her who leaned over me to say, "She tells me you're really a guy."

"I'm not." I answered. I think she repeated herself so I pulled out my driver's license. She examined it until she saw the little "f" written on it.

"You're the first girl whose ever shown me her driver's license..."

Anyway, I'm kind of proud of myself for doing this. For one saying I'm "really a guy" is just flat out ignorant and untrue. It implies that how I act and appear is really just some sort of costume that I shed. Also I'm tired of justifying my gender top anyone. I dress the way I like to look and feel comfortable looking. I act in ways that feel natural for me. It isn't a compliment to me to say "you perform this woman thing really well." I don't perform.

I guess the thing is I am legally, socially, and physically female. What I have or had between my legs is non of your business unless we're about to sleep together.

I think helping cis people understand trans people is important. But honestly it isn't my responsibility when I'm out at a club, or walking down the street, or grocery shopping or where ever else. Fortunately I pass well enough that this type of thing only ever happens in gay clubs when someone outs me.

Also though, it doesn't hurt my feelings really. Ask me once and it was an ignorant question, continue to assert that I'm really a guy and well I'll cut you out of my life, be it that we just met or I've known you my entire life.

And I kind of just wanted to re-emphasize that when I say I'm trans I don't really mean transgender. Being trans for me is a physical reality, it doesn't really speak much to being a gender non-conformist or feeling between genders or whatever. I am actually very normal and not much of a revolutionary. I'm not really very "queer," and it seems like, especially in gay bars, when people are like "so you're really a a guy," it's like they're paying homage to a queerness that doesn't really exist in me. I don't know, it's really hard to explain.

On the plus side I got an email from someone who watches my vlog. I'm glad to know people are reading and watching my entries. That makes it seem a little worthwhile.