Well I went to Karaoke last night. Like I have been doing every Monday night for a couple of months now. I'm a karaoke person I guess. Anyway, I recognize other karaoke people form other bars they sing karaoke at and they recognize me. One guy even gave me his karaoke singing business card.
But on another note....
I ended up talking to this girl all night. Well sort of. she came up to me when she came into the bar and struck up a conversation. She tried to buy me a shot...but...well, I don't take shots. I'm not interested in getting as drunk as taking a shot could lead to. She was kind of there, and after last call I walked with her and some guy named "Two Dicks" to her place.
She recognized something about me but couldn't quite pin it down. "As soon as I came into this bar I came up to talk to you and I never do that." She said. "You're different. There's something about you that's really different than other girls."
I actually was expecting for her to figure it out but she never did. She came as close as saying that I was so feminine but masculine at the same time, and she called me really pretty. Okay, also I was wearing my kitchen clothes, which, although I definitely look like a girl in my kitchen clothes, they're not as feminine as I prefer.
I wonder about that, how feminine I look in my kitchen clothes. Recently I've found out that several of my co-workers had absolutely no clue I was trans and were shocked when they just recently found out. And people tell me I look cute in them...so....I guess it's a whole thing about self perception vs reality, which I have to admit I have no idea sometimes how I look to other people.
Before I become too much of a rambler in this entry I want to get back to what I wanted to talk about as far as that girl (and others) is concerned, STEALTH.
I never told her I was trans, and she never figured it out. More and more I'm finding that in my interactions with all sorts of different people, they don't pick up on me being trans. I don't know how they see me exactly, but they're not picking up on my being trans. Actually, one of my co-workers didn't pick up on me being "gay' recently. He was like "You're going to find this funny, but I had no idea you were gay." to which I kind of had to respond with "Huh?" because I didn't know exactly what he meant by that. I gambled and assumed he meant that I like women, so I was like yeah, but barely; the last person I slept with was a guy.
...and that get's all confusing because of my anatomy and what I have and what people assume I have and blah, blah, blah...
Labeling my sexuality is too confusing for me to even attempt right now.
Back to the subject...again...I'm kind of in this place where people don't know, and I don't want to tell them. Actually, considering recent comments about "So you're really a guy?" that I just flat out deny without any explanation, unless someone is to specifically ask me if I'm a transsexual I'm not likely to fill them in on it.
And then I write this blog, and publish it to my facebook, and have a fan page devoted to it, and want to promote it, and want to pursue a career working with and helping other trans people. How can I go stealth?
Or rather. What is the line that I draw between people who know and people who don't?
So I was talking a girl at a party about my blog and she asked what it was about. "Transition." I told her, and this guy who was in the conversation also asked for clarification on that.
For me Transition begins with a capital "T" but others don't necessarily know what I mean. Transition between jobs? etc.
Writing about and explaining Trans issues is really important to me but as far as that goes it isn't all of me and I kind of have it in this box that exists only in my blog and youtube videos.
If I move to another city (after I have my operation) will this whole transgender thing just be something in my past? It's weird. I grew up very aware of being different. I mean, I don't know what it is like to grow up gay, but I imagine that experience of being different is similar. But now I'm not so different, and I don't feel that different and I don't particularly identify with a queer subculture.
When it comes down to it, I fit in much more in an open minded straight bar than I do in a gay bar. When I go out to gay bars it's kind of like, "Why am I here?"
I don't know. It's this experience of wanting to transition, transitioning, and then having transitioned. Feeling different and being very fearful of being found out, very much in the closet. Coming out of the closet and being very very queer for a couple of years, and then everything settles and the hormones do their work and all of a sudden you're kind of this basically normal person without really trying.
I knew when I crossed that line of looking like a very feminine man to looking like a masculine woman when gay guys stopped being flirty with me and lesbians started. And then you stop looking like an interesting person.
It's what I always wanted. Though it was kind of nice to be REALLY interesting for a while.
Oh, and check out my facebook fan site (and see what I look like) at www.facebook.com/thinknatalieblog. Like it. Share it.
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