Transpanic? after all this time?

Well I financed a car.

That's a story in and of its self, but I'm not going to go into it here.

Just. you should have seen the piece of shit that I almost bought with the money I used for my down payment.

Anyway, I feel like a woman.

Not in the gendered sense, I mean.

It's been a long time that I've walked to work, and or bought crappy cars that I could pay for out of pocket, and/or were given to me by my parents. Actually, I've never financed a car before....and now I have no spending money.

It makes me think back on my life prior to transitioning and how I really have grown up a lot since transitioning. It's kind of the only argument I can really make to say that this is something I really needed to do.

I'm a grown up...YAY!

Other than that...I guess I've been kinda thinking about my transition and my gender and everything recently. Yeah, I know, gender is something that I think about all the time. Anyway, I have a lot of masculine traits (or traits that I consider masculine). My friends, co-workers, and people who know me might disagree with that, but what I guess I mean to say is that now that all the turmoil of a second adolescence has quieted and I'm really just getting on with my life, I'm realizing more and more that the only way I've really changed is that I've grown up more.

Well, there are other things, I'm more confident, I dress differently, I'm generally in a better mood, I take better care of myself, I'm more openly feminine.

That person I am when I'm falling asleep, or when I'm thinking, or praying, or talking to friends, or working, or doing any of the other things that I do is still the same.

And it makes me wonder whether this transition was something I needed to do.

I mean, I know it is something I needed to do but hypothetically...

It makes me wonder whether maybe I am really just a super super extreme cross-dresser. It makes me wonder whether all this gender presentation of mine is at the core all basically fake.

And when I'm wondering about that and I look at my reflection in the mirror I feel really self-loathing.Which is a feeling I am unfortunately very familiar with.

When I think about being trans, there is a tendency that I have to think of my life as having a time before I was trans, a time when I was normal, so to speak, happy about having been born physically male. But if I actually try to pinpoint that time I realize that it doesn't really exist.

Even when I couldn't really pinpoint what it was, I always felt wrong. I always felt awkward, out of place. I always felt a bit of self loathing and discomfort and feeling that somehow I wasn't what I was supposed to be.

Was I really supposed to be a boy, a man?

I'm writing all of this because: one, I want to be honest. I want people to know that three and a half years after coming out to my parents, very nearly three years on hormones, and a very successful transition, I still have these feelings sometimes. Two, I also want people to know that transitioning isn't such a straight forward thing. I know I needed to transition. I know that I fit more closely into that box that says female than I do male, but those definitions don't fit me any better than anyone else. I mean, I can honestly say that if I told anyone who knows me now that I wonder whether I am really feminine enough they wouldn't really see any justification in it. I am really femme. More femme than most cisgendered women. this whole thing is something that I really had to think about, and I really had to struggle with. And three, I am as influenced by societal standards as anyone else.

All these doubts that I have (which really aren't that major) I know don't come from within. It's just a mild re-occurrence of "transpanic," getting all panicky because of being trans.

I don't know if gay people experienced something similar back in a time and place where being gay wasn't thought to be natural.

You know I go through life with the simple fact that if I'm honest about my past it nullifies my present in the minds of a lot of people. Or even when I keep my past more to myself, someone sees something in a mannerism of mine, or a tone of my voice, or maybe a combination of factors like me being tall and broad shouldered, and they read me as a trans women, and they make assumptions about me that they would never make about any other woman.

Like, I am a lesbian...basically, that isn't so black and white for me either. I was hanging out in a lesbian bar, which I hang out at because I know people, and I like to meet girls, and hopefully meet girls I actually have a chance at dating. This one lady was sitting beside me being really annoying. She asked me how long I'd been out. First I had to ask her to clarify, because I wasn't sure whether she meant "out of the closet" or "out for the evening." She meant out of the closet. I gave her an honest answer. I left out the trans part, because I'm tired of explaining of trying to explain something that I don't really understand. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend.

Okay she read me as trans, then made a whole bunch of assumptions about me because of that that she wouldn't have made about any other woman dressed like I was, hanging out where I was.

Why does the fact that I am a trans woman make it any more acceptable (in anyone's mind) to assume anything about my sexuality. When people assume I'm straight when I'm sitting in a straight bar or grocery shopping, or whatever...okay. I don't look like a lesbian. (I don't look like a trans woman for that matter either).

It's also, why did she read me? My voice, the fact that I was wearing jeans and a hoodie, the fact that I wasn't being overtly feminine, combined with other little things that all added up?

Why is it that as a trans woman if I'm not wearing a skirt or dress with my hair, nails, and makeup looking perfectly I get read? or rather, I don't mind getting read. Why is it in the people who read mes' minds trans is somehow something different. Me dressing a bit more masculinely for a woman (which by the way isn't very masculine) is somehow less valid than any other lesbian dressing masculinely.

How in the hell does a trans woman use clothing and appearance to indicate that she is not (generally speaking) into men without saying something about her gender that she doesn't want to say?

So then of course that whole transpanic that I talked about earlier.

Was I really supposed to be a boy/man? really?!

Honestly, ultimately, like I'm sure I've written about before, is I resolved those doubts after years of struggling with myself and my gender when I asked myself the question of how am I different? How would any other basically healthy female person have reacted in my situation? Isn't it perfectly natural for a female to want to be female?

...
I wanted to write a little today also about how show society influences our sexuality, but I don't have time.
I hope you enjoyed this little rant.

...
Oh and whatever transpanic I was feeling. I'm not really feeling it anymore.

About the TG Prom that I am planning

Okay this is going to be a quick entry.

I'm still plugging away at my book. I'm at just over 45,000 words right now, which is a long way from being finished but is also a lot more than I've ever written on any one piece of writing, so I'm already proud of it.

One thing that I'm really excited about is the fundraiser I'm planning to pay for my gender confirmation surgery. I'm planning a TG Prom for trans people and trans allies in Richmond VA, and the Gay Community Center is going to donate the space for me to hold it!!!

Right now all I need to do is raise the funds for a security deposit!



Yeah, I know. This is a shameless plug, asking for donations.

The thing about it is, Gender Confirmation Surgery is really expensive. For someone like me who makes next to nothing it is almost out of reach. I mean to have surgery in the United States, which is very preferable, will cost me more than my entire years salary.

I've actually been thinking about organizing a TG Prom for a while. For one, though I did in fact go to my actual prom, I really wish I could go back in time and go to Prom as I am now, and wear something that makes me feel good about myself, instead of the tux that I wore that I felt a little ridiculous in. And I also want there to be a trans centered event within the LGBT community. I really feel like the "T" is really misunderstood and too often ignored.

I also think as far as fundraisers go the TG prom is a great fundraiser.

And it will be a whole lot of fun for the community.

And it is a positive way to bring the entire LGBT community together and bring a little more visibility to trans issues.

And what I would like to see is for this event to become an annual thing in Richmond. Something that gives people a chance to show their support for trans issues, and something that gives trans people an opportunity to go to an event and feel proud about being trans.

What I would like to see happen is for this to happen every year and become a really big thing. Every year it can help a different trans person pay for a surgery that they wouldn't be able to pay for otherwise. Not only that but the person who the prom benefits can be a major person involved in organizing it. So it also will give that person a chance to earn money for their surgery.

I'm actually really excited about it. As I'm sure you can tell.

I mean, I actually get to have my very own prom, with my very own theme, and decoration ideas and everything, and it will help pay for my gender confirmation surgery.

I know I've written in the past what this surgery means to me, so I won't re-write it in this entry.

Anyway, I hope this thing is every bit as fun and raises all the money I hope.

So please donate and help me throw this event!

New cup size, a bit about really needing SRS, and actually being thankful to be trans.

Well I had to buy new bras.

Over the last month or so all my bras straps have been snapping. I mean I go to pull my breasts into the cups and pop there goes another strap. Well the last one finally gave way late Monday night when I took it off. Actually it had broken like a week earlier but I sewed it back together.

I'll go without a bra sometimes when I go out. I mean my girls are pretty amazing looking. I have like the breasts of a teenager and I can legally drink :)

But I always wear a bra to work. For one thing I have to wear these baggy unisex (which means guy) kitchen shirts at work and I want my girls to have the lift to be visible under the shirt especially when I get stuck in a shirt a size to big. Also, I have a very physically demanding job and well there is a big difference between having my tits bounce around when I'm drinking at a bar and having them bounce around at work.

So yeah, I had to go bra shopping yesterday. Fun.

Anyway I just went to Ross. I was fitted last year and I think I made a pretty good assumption that I had just gone up a cup size. So I went to the bras and picked out some D cups and then went to try them on.

Guess what. They fit! Yay D cups.

Actually weirdly, or not, I was pretty happy with C's. I'm starting to wonder when they're going to stop growing.

Oh and guess what. Still no cleavage. I mean the breasts touching and a nice beautiful sexy line forming.Yeah I don't get that. I have push up bras and everything.

But I guess I am a D cup now. The bras definitely fit.

I mean I don't have the "ploop" sound when I take it off at the end of the night. You know the sound of a breast being shoved into a cup too small and sweating, and then when you take it out at the end of the night it's almost stuck for a little while?

I'm exaggerating a bit here for effect.

That only happened a couple of times, when it was hot outside.

...and in other news it's looking like I'm not getting the Jim Collins grant this year. Maybe I'll publish my essay. It's a lot more personal than it was last year.

The thing about surgery for me is...I've so transitioned. I mean in every aspect of my life I am a woman. Except that one little thing.

It's hard to explain without making it sound like a sex thing. Yes I would really love to be able to take a partner home and not have to stop at heavy petting. Or even just having the confidence in myself that I don't have to hold back until I really trust that whoever I'm dating or might be dating respects that I have a part of my body that I don't like, that I really don't like.

I mean even without sex I definitely am stand-offish when it comes to a close relationship. I mean I can't be fully myself when there is a part of me that isn't really a part of me.

It's just so many assumptions people have about people because of what they have between their legs.

It's "Oh well you're still part guy right?"

Or "You must really like it up the ass."

I'm not a gay dude and never have been. I don't know it's this pressure to play a role that isn't who I am or a role I'm comfortable playing that really gets to me.

Then there's the changing my sex with social security, and not having doctors and dentists insist on calling me by pronouns that aren't appropriate. Or co-workers (actually only one in particular who I never should have let know that I'm trans) have the most difficult time believing that I am who I say I am.

FYI. Your sex is in your head not in between your legs.

I was thinking about it this morning lying in bed. I really want someone who'll spoon behind me, pressing her breasts into my shoulders with her arm around me and her hand on my breasts. I don't know where I was going with this...

Anyway, I'm really ready for this transition thing to be over, to move on with my life. To only be reminded that I'm trans when I take my medicine.

I don't know. It's hard not to be envious of cis-sexual people who are able to take their gender for granted. I mean when I was told as a small child that I had a penis because I was a little boy it didn't make sense to me. It wasn't "Oh of course! That seems right!" It was "Oh?!"

You know though. Even though I was born trans I am still really glad to be girl. I think the only thing worse for me than having been born trans-female would be had I actually been male.

Ewwwwww!

Bad grammar/spelling is not attractive, and other rants and raves

Well that guy I wrote about last time...I had to text him that I didn't think I was interested.

On Tuesday last week when we met I was going to give him a chance with a date. He actually seemed to be interested in me as a person not just a "chick with a dick." I mean, so many people, cis-gendered guys in particular don't really see me as a real person just an exotic sex object. having someone attracted to me as a woman and not as a trans-woman is really attractive.

On the other hand...

Don't leave out apostrophes it really is not attractive, nor is spelling "you're" as "your," and "when" as "ween." Also drop the "e" before adding "ing." Reading shit like "I like it ween we talked. I hop your haveing a good day" is really, really, really unattractive.

Also if we only met one time and had a rather awkward conversation and I decide to give you a chance. It doesn't mean that I want to go out the very next day, or that I want to have long conversations with you via badly spelled/punctuated/grammatically incorrect texts.

And if we'd been dating for a while asking me how my day is going would be sweet, if we've just met it's just a little too much.

Finally, although I am making an effort not to hold someone's sex against them as a criteria for dating them, if you are male you really need to proceed slowly. Although I don't like/believe in sexual categories, and you could call me "bisexual," I am now and always have been slightly more attracted to female bodied people than I am to male bodied people. Keep that in mind and don't try to move things too quickly.

I wanted to write an update to my last entry. I don't know why I care that people know who and what type of people I am attracted to sexually. It doesn't really matter.

Then again, if I try to rationalize why I need people to see me as female, there isn't really a rational reason for it.

Gender identity and sexuality has to be biological just for that reason.

In other news I contacted  a professor in VCU counseling psychology. I'm looking into being a therapist/researcher for trans people. I briefly outline some of my viewpoints on the whole gender spectrum thing and asked for advice as to what I should do to get into the program.

She hasn't responded back. Perhaps I shouldn't have written so much about what I think. I'm not sure. It wasn't a long email but perhaps I should have just been more to the point and just asked what I wanted to know, not explain where I'm coming from.

Also, I have written 142 pages of my rough draft for my first novel which is basically a memoir. Writing a book is a lot harder and more time consuming than I thought.

When I was in college I took a class in stone carving. The first day we chipped away at our granite rocks with chisels the way that Michelangelo would have. The second day we were able to use the modern pneumatic chisels. I decided that were I to carve David it wouldn't be worth chipping away at stone by hand for as long as it would take.

Writing this book is kind of reminding me of that.

142 pages in I'm really beginning to see the finished book, but it is a long way away, and I'm going to have to reorganize and rewrite so much of what I've written.

Of course, I'm at the point where I have to finish this book, and I have to get it published, and it has to be fucking phenomenal because I've put to much work into it already not to finish it.

And I really hope it makes money.

Also, I am going to figure out a way to go back to school.
I am so burnt out on cooking as a profession that I just want to escape.
Give me an office and decent income. I'm so sick of being broke.

And I haven't heard back from the Jim Collins Foundation yet. In all seriousness I don't know how much longer I can go without my operation. I'm actually really starting to get depressed about it.

About gender performance and dating.

I'm going to have to retire one of my favorite blouses soon. The reason it is one of my faves is because it is really flattering, makes me look really curvy and really shows off my boobs. When I bought it I had B cups and it was a little snug buttoning the top button. Now I have really full c cups (actually I'm wondering if I won't have to go up a cup size soon) and can't even wear it while wearing a bra. So I wore it Sunday night with every intention of going to a drag show before going to sing Karaoke. I don't really even like drag, and I got distracted on my way to the show, and ended up eating dinner at a friends.

Anyway, it's been a month or two since I've worn that top and my tits were on the verge of popping out all night. A good thing I guess, but I actually don't want to accidentally flash anyone. It's funny though, as an observation, when I had much smaller breasts it seemed ridiculous to be shy about them. Of course, when I had smaller breasts they didn't seem all that much like breasts to me either, but I'm getting off topic.

So I went to karaoke, with my tits as exposed as I would ever feel comfortable in a public place, (The top is ruffled also so I can show a whole lot without it seeming obscene.) and this girl came up to me. "I went to one of your recent shows." She said.

"Huh?" 

"The country Western show a few Sundays ago."

"Oh I don't work at Babe's"

"But don't you do shows?"

It started to dawn on me that she thought I was a performer. (I'd also been a little heavier on the eyeliner than I usually am. I saw a picture of a model with cat eyes in Glamour and thought I'd give it a try). "I don't perform."

"Oh, you should, you'd be really good!"

"I'm not a drag queen." She paused. It was actually hard to tell what she was thinking. "For one thing," I said, "These are real." I pointed to my halfway exposed right breast. "And this gender is my real gender."

Things started to get really awkward and I realized she'd been trying to give me a compliment/flirt with me, and didn't realize that she was being more insulting than anything else, or rather it had just dawned on her and was now a little embarrassed.

The other thing is...I almost never pick up on a feminine person hitting on me. I mean, I can tell when a butch is hitting on me but almost never when a femme is. Perhaps, (personal body issues aside) this has something to do with the fact that I practically never dated before I transitioned.

Speaking of which, I think I have another date, with a guy,(different guy) and I'm a little apprehensive about it. I met him in Babe's, and he's kinda short (though really built) and I read him as a trans guy, or as a possibly trans guy. I probably wouldn't have been so open to conversation with him if I hadn't.

So I gave him my number, and he texted me, a lot, yesterday. He's really into me. 

Here's the thing. I have never dated a guy before. I made out with one guy once shortly after I started living full time. (I don't remember if I was on hormones yet or not) and I didn't really feel any chemistry... then of course I slept with my date when I was a bridesmaid, but he was someone I've known for a while and trust.

It's a bit of a leap for me to go on an actually date with a guy, and I hope he has the sense to realize that. Dating guys isn't something I'm exactly comfortable with. And honestly, I'm not sure that there is any potential with any of them, cisgendered anyway.

Of course, they're a hell of a lot easier to pick up. I mean, I can be really picky when it comes to guys, they seem to make offers constantly.

Then of course the final thing to say, and I'm about out of time, is that well that guy I wrote about last entry, at first was really condescendingly dismissive of me "thanks for writing about me," he said, "You're a great writer." and now I think he took my last entry to mean that I didn't want to be friends with him.

Which isn't what I said. I don't think. 

about friendship (by request)

Well I guess I have a date with the wine delivery guy at work. He's been trying to get my number or something for months and I ran into him walking home with groceries yesterday. He asked if I would like to meet him for a drink sometime and I relented and said "sure."

Maybe it'll be a good thing. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere, but I'm trying to be a little more open because I just turned 31 and I've never been in a real committed relationship. I once dated a girl for six months when I was in college, and then after transitioning I dated a trans guy for like two weeks and a lesbian for three months.

Anyway, the wine delivery guy seems like a decent person and seems relatively healthy and mature, all of which would be really nice. I think I'd prefer that a lesbian take an interest in me but as liberal and as accepting as RVA is I think lesbians don't consider me to be someone date-able.

Actually, I'm thinking that perhaps no one does, though I'm going to work on the theory that maybe I've just been too closed for too long...and people pick up on that.

So I have been hanging out with that guy I cut off back in November of last year. He wanted me to write about him, and believe me I've been tempted, but I think he actually reads this blog.

He's going to be starting on T soon. I'm really glad that he will be.

I am of the belief that hormones are a medical need for transsexuals. I know that I was partially stuck in pre-adolescence until I transitioned, and I see that in a few of the pre-transition people that I know, not everyone, but in quite a few. I think puberty is a necessary thing to go through and I think going through the wrong puberty is similar to not going through puberty at all.

I've said this before. There were a lot of things that I just didn't get before I transitioned. And that really affected my ability to function normally.

It's complicated to explain what hormones do for transsexuals, but it is a really big deal.

That said, I've been tolerating a lot from this guy that I wouldn't tolerate otherwise. I'm also beginning to run out of patience.

I mean, I'm not getting angry, it's just that more and more I'm thinking that what I'm going to have to do and keep doing to be his friend is just way more than friendship is worth to me.

I've been trying to figure out a way to write about friendship, or rather what friendship means to me. I have a couple of friends I care a great deal for and have been friends with for a long time. I have a few friends that i haven't known for very long but I really value spending time with them and they're the types of people that I want to have more of in my life. Then there are a few more people who I trust and can depend on and are just really decent people to me and I appreciate their friendship because of that. Then there are more people who I end up spending a lot of time with because we do the same things. Then there are a bunch of people who like me and I like them and maybe we only ever meet occasionally, or we nod at each other when we pass on the street. If I was having a huge party like I used to in college I'd probably invite them.

Basically I commit to people to the level they are willing to commit to me.
I think this is healthy and what most people do.

I think with this guy I've been hanging out with again...he has no idea how he feels about me, and isn't even willing to commit to dinner...or when he does he sulks the whole time and acts like I tricked him into something.

"Investing" in a friendship is bullshit and dishonest. If I call someone to hang out it's because I want to hang out with that person, not because I feel like I need to or should or because I want something else later. If I hang out with someone every night it's because I want to not because I'm trying to build a friendship.

Although, that said, if I hang out with someone like all the time it starts to feel like a relationship.

Especially when he's doing things like kissing me good night. (Okay, little friendly kisses and only once open mouthed).

Of course after a couple of weeks he basically disappeared.

He doesn't want a relationship with me which is fine, but he doesn't seem to understand my limits when it comes to friendship.

Being friends with someone you want to date but aren't going to sucks. I've done that before and learned that however great the friendship it usually isn't worth it.

On top of the mixed signals are the flat out contradictions he makes. I think he doesn't give me credit for having as good of a memory as I do...I here him telling other people things that are completely different from what he told me, for example:

When we first met he told me he had majored in Painting and Printmaking at VCU, just recently he told someone I was talking to that he majored in Kinetic Imaging.

My friends tell me I should just drop him, (except for one) and I'm probably not going to do that...but after our conversation last November (my brother's birthday BTW, yeah I remember the date...arghhh) I don't take him all that seriously. I mean, he really wants to be friends.

I mean he told me once that he really wanted to be friends. Actually he begged. But when it comes down to it he's not really into being a friend.

He broke up with a boyfriend and then decided to spend a whole lot of time with me then he got uncomfortable because he doesn't want to date me and decided to spend no time what soever with me (and hang out with his ex again, and hit on this kid I used to work with. This of course is all speculation.

I think it also might be that he only wants to be my friend when he really feels the need to transition.

Either way I don't think I'm really a part of it.

Just, when he isn't showing off how smart he is in front of my friends, or trying to start an argument or doe something to be the center of attention. He can actually be really, really sweet.

I wish other people (at least other people I know) could see that side of him. It would make me look a little less crazy for putting up with him.

Arghh... He requested that I write about him again. Apparently a lot of people know of him through this blog. I don't know if he'll like what I wrote. Actually he probably won't.

Actually I think he might be really pissed off. I probably would be.

I'd probably stop talking to myself.

Definitions (again) which aren't mainstream ideas yet but are true nonetheless

I haven't had much to write about recently.

Not that there hasn't been anything happening, just nothing happening that I really feel like writing about in this blog. Too many people I know read this blog and there are some situations I don't want to post about here.

Some good some bad.

Anyway, I haven't written about my troubles with the TG clinic recently, and I won't. Overall I think they're doing a wonderful thing...they probably saved my life.

Also for whatever reason a lot of people I know have been making a lot of progress in their transitions recently.

I have kind of been coming to a new sense of understanding of myself as trans recently also. Which is interesting. It's really hard to explain. I do not identify as transgender. There is nothing trans about my gender, or gender expressions, or likes and dislikes, or my identity for that matter. But I do have a trans experience, and appreciation for which I'm increasingly proud of. I've toyed with the idea of doing drag (female to male) but the truth is I couldn't bear to see it. So as awesome as I think drag kings are I could never do it. Perhaps I'm not quite over the trauma of being misgendered for such a long time. On the other hand, I'm really not that type of girl. Masculinity is something I don't identify with enough to ever want to express. (masculinity referring in this instance to how one experiences their gender)

So, I am not transgender. I've talked about this with other transsexuals and maybe a few cissexuals. I don't know if cissexual cisgender people are capable of understanding it.

So to define terms (again):

Gender is how one experiences the world in terms of being masculine or feminine (or in between).
Sex is to what extent one's body is male or female.
Gender Identity refers to the innate sense of one's body (or what that body is supposed to be) as male, or female (or somewhere in between).
Transsexual is someone who's gender identity is not the same as their sex
Transgender is someone who's gender is not the same as their gender identity.

Make sense?

It is possible to be transsexual but not transgender, and it is possible to be transgender and not transsexual.

At one point I experienced my gender (masculine) as something different than my gender identity (female).
My gender never seemed natural to me (like feminine does) but I never the less experienced it. That made me transgender. I also experienced my gender identity (female) as different from my sex (male) which made me transsexual.
I gravitated towards my natural gender (feminine) over time and as I matured and became more confident in myself as a person. My natural gender matches my gender identity but not my sex. Hence I am transsexual not transgender. And there is a difference.