New cup size, a bit about really needing SRS, and actually being thankful to be trans.

Well I had to buy new bras.

Over the last month or so all my bras straps have been snapping. I mean I go to pull my breasts into the cups and pop there goes another strap. Well the last one finally gave way late Monday night when I took it off. Actually it had broken like a week earlier but I sewed it back together.

I'll go without a bra sometimes when I go out. I mean my girls are pretty amazing looking. I have like the breasts of a teenager and I can legally drink :)

But I always wear a bra to work. For one thing I have to wear these baggy unisex (which means guy) kitchen shirts at work and I want my girls to have the lift to be visible under the shirt especially when I get stuck in a shirt a size to big. Also, I have a very physically demanding job and well there is a big difference between having my tits bounce around when I'm drinking at a bar and having them bounce around at work.

So yeah, I had to go bra shopping yesterday. Fun.

Anyway I just went to Ross. I was fitted last year and I think I made a pretty good assumption that I had just gone up a cup size. So I went to the bras and picked out some D cups and then went to try them on.

Guess what. They fit! Yay D cups.

Actually weirdly, or not, I was pretty happy with C's. I'm starting to wonder when they're going to stop growing.

Oh and guess what. Still no cleavage. I mean the breasts touching and a nice beautiful sexy line forming.Yeah I don't get that. I have push up bras and everything.

But I guess I am a D cup now. The bras definitely fit.

I mean I don't have the "ploop" sound when I take it off at the end of the night. You know the sound of a breast being shoved into a cup too small and sweating, and then when you take it out at the end of the night it's almost stuck for a little while?

I'm exaggerating a bit here for effect.

That only happened a couple of times, when it was hot outside.

...and in other news it's looking like I'm not getting the Jim Collins grant this year. Maybe I'll publish my essay. It's a lot more personal than it was last year.

The thing about surgery for me is...I've so transitioned. I mean in every aspect of my life I am a woman. Except that one little thing.

It's hard to explain without making it sound like a sex thing. Yes I would really love to be able to take a partner home and not have to stop at heavy petting. Or even just having the confidence in myself that I don't have to hold back until I really trust that whoever I'm dating or might be dating respects that I have a part of my body that I don't like, that I really don't like.

I mean even without sex I definitely am stand-offish when it comes to a close relationship. I mean I can't be fully myself when there is a part of me that isn't really a part of me.

It's just so many assumptions people have about people because of what they have between their legs.

It's "Oh well you're still part guy right?"

Or "You must really like it up the ass."

I'm not a gay dude and never have been. I don't know it's this pressure to play a role that isn't who I am or a role I'm comfortable playing that really gets to me.

Then there's the changing my sex with social security, and not having doctors and dentists insist on calling me by pronouns that aren't appropriate. Or co-workers (actually only one in particular who I never should have let know that I'm trans) have the most difficult time believing that I am who I say I am.

FYI. Your sex is in your head not in between your legs.

I was thinking about it this morning lying in bed. I really want someone who'll spoon behind me, pressing her breasts into my shoulders with her arm around me and her hand on my breasts. I don't know where I was going with this...

Anyway, I'm really ready for this transition thing to be over, to move on with my life. To only be reminded that I'm trans when I take my medicine.

I don't know. It's hard not to be envious of cis-sexual people who are able to take their gender for granted. I mean when I was told as a small child that I had a penis because I was a little boy it didn't make sense to me. It wasn't "Oh of course! That seems right!" It was "Oh?!"

You know though. Even though I was born trans I am still really glad to be girl. I think the only thing worse for me than having been born trans-female would be had I actually been male.

Ewwwwww!

Bad grammar/spelling is not attractive, and other rants and raves

Well that guy I wrote about last time...I had to text him that I didn't think I was interested.

On Tuesday last week when we met I was going to give him a chance with a date. He actually seemed to be interested in me as a person not just a "chick with a dick." I mean, so many people, cis-gendered guys in particular don't really see me as a real person just an exotic sex object. having someone attracted to me as a woman and not as a trans-woman is really attractive.

On the other hand...

Don't leave out apostrophes it really is not attractive, nor is spelling "you're" as "your," and "when" as "ween." Also drop the "e" before adding "ing." Reading shit like "I like it ween we talked. I hop your haveing a good day" is really, really, really unattractive.

Also if we only met one time and had a rather awkward conversation and I decide to give you a chance. It doesn't mean that I want to go out the very next day, or that I want to have long conversations with you via badly spelled/punctuated/grammatically incorrect texts.

And if we'd been dating for a while asking me how my day is going would be sweet, if we've just met it's just a little too much.

Finally, although I am making an effort not to hold someone's sex against them as a criteria for dating them, if you are male you really need to proceed slowly. Although I don't like/believe in sexual categories, and you could call me "bisexual," I am now and always have been slightly more attracted to female bodied people than I am to male bodied people. Keep that in mind and don't try to move things too quickly.

I wanted to write an update to my last entry. I don't know why I care that people know who and what type of people I am attracted to sexually. It doesn't really matter.

Then again, if I try to rationalize why I need people to see me as female, there isn't really a rational reason for it.

Gender identity and sexuality has to be biological just for that reason.

In other news I contacted  a professor in VCU counseling psychology. I'm looking into being a therapist/researcher for trans people. I briefly outline some of my viewpoints on the whole gender spectrum thing and asked for advice as to what I should do to get into the program.

She hasn't responded back. Perhaps I shouldn't have written so much about what I think. I'm not sure. It wasn't a long email but perhaps I should have just been more to the point and just asked what I wanted to know, not explain where I'm coming from.

Also, I have written 142 pages of my rough draft for my first novel which is basically a memoir. Writing a book is a lot harder and more time consuming than I thought.

When I was in college I took a class in stone carving. The first day we chipped away at our granite rocks with chisels the way that Michelangelo would have. The second day we were able to use the modern pneumatic chisels. I decided that were I to carve David it wouldn't be worth chipping away at stone by hand for as long as it would take.

Writing this book is kind of reminding me of that.

142 pages in I'm really beginning to see the finished book, but it is a long way away, and I'm going to have to reorganize and rewrite so much of what I've written.

Of course, I'm at the point where I have to finish this book, and I have to get it published, and it has to be fucking phenomenal because I've put to much work into it already not to finish it.

And I really hope it makes money.

Also, I am going to figure out a way to go back to school.
I am so burnt out on cooking as a profession that I just want to escape.
Give me an office and decent income. I'm so sick of being broke.

And I haven't heard back from the Jim Collins Foundation yet. In all seriousness I don't know how much longer I can go without my operation. I'm actually really starting to get depressed about it.

About gender performance and dating.

I'm going to have to retire one of my favorite blouses soon. The reason it is one of my faves is because it is really flattering, makes me look really curvy and really shows off my boobs. When I bought it I had B cups and it was a little snug buttoning the top button. Now I have really full c cups (actually I'm wondering if I won't have to go up a cup size soon) and can't even wear it while wearing a bra. So I wore it Sunday night with every intention of going to a drag show before going to sing Karaoke. I don't really even like drag, and I got distracted on my way to the show, and ended up eating dinner at a friends.

Anyway, it's been a month or two since I've worn that top and my tits were on the verge of popping out all night. A good thing I guess, but I actually don't want to accidentally flash anyone. It's funny though, as an observation, when I had much smaller breasts it seemed ridiculous to be shy about them. Of course, when I had smaller breasts they didn't seem all that much like breasts to me either, but I'm getting off topic.

So I went to karaoke, with my tits as exposed as I would ever feel comfortable in a public place, (The top is ruffled also so I can show a whole lot without it seeming obscene.) and this girl came up to me. "I went to one of your recent shows." She said.

"Huh?" 

"The country Western show a few Sundays ago."

"Oh I don't work at Babe's"

"But don't you do shows?"

It started to dawn on me that she thought I was a performer. (I'd also been a little heavier on the eyeliner than I usually am. I saw a picture of a model with cat eyes in Glamour and thought I'd give it a try). "I don't perform."

"Oh, you should, you'd be really good!"

"I'm not a drag queen." She paused. It was actually hard to tell what she was thinking. "For one thing," I said, "These are real." I pointed to my halfway exposed right breast. "And this gender is my real gender."

Things started to get really awkward and I realized she'd been trying to give me a compliment/flirt with me, and didn't realize that she was being more insulting than anything else, or rather it had just dawned on her and was now a little embarrassed.

The other thing is...I almost never pick up on a feminine person hitting on me. I mean, I can tell when a butch is hitting on me but almost never when a femme is. Perhaps, (personal body issues aside) this has something to do with the fact that I practically never dated before I transitioned.

Speaking of which, I think I have another date, with a guy,(different guy) and I'm a little apprehensive about it. I met him in Babe's, and he's kinda short (though really built) and I read him as a trans guy, or as a possibly trans guy. I probably wouldn't have been so open to conversation with him if I hadn't.

So I gave him my number, and he texted me, a lot, yesterday. He's really into me. 

Here's the thing. I have never dated a guy before. I made out with one guy once shortly after I started living full time. (I don't remember if I was on hormones yet or not) and I didn't really feel any chemistry... then of course I slept with my date when I was a bridesmaid, but he was someone I've known for a while and trust.

It's a bit of a leap for me to go on an actually date with a guy, and I hope he has the sense to realize that. Dating guys isn't something I'm exactly comfortable with. And honestly, I'm not sure that there is any potential with any of them, cisgendered anyway.

Of course, they're a hell of a lot easier to pick up. I mean, I can be really picky when it comes to guys, they seem to make offers constantly.

Then of course the final thing to say, and I'm about out of time, is that well that guy I wrote about last entry, at first was really condescendingly dismissive of me "thanks for writing about me," he said, "You're a great writer." and now I think he took my last entry to mean that I didn't want to be friends with him.

Which isn't what I said. I don't think. 

about friendship (by request)

Well I guess I have a date with the wine delivery guy at work. He's been trying to get my number or something for months and I ran into him walking home with groceries yesterday. He asked if I would like to meet him for a drink sometime and I relented and said "sure."

Maybe it'll be a good thing. I don't think it's going to lead anywhere, but I'm trying to be a little more open because I just turned 31 and I've never been in a real committed relationship. I once dated a girl for six months when I was in college, and then after transitioning I dated a trans guy for like two weeks and a lesbian for three months.

Anyway, the wine delivery guy seems like a decent person and seems relatively healthy and mature, all of which would be really nice. I think I'd prefer that a lesbian take an interest in me but as liberal and as accepting as RVA is I think lesbians don't consider me to be someone date-able.

Actually, I'm thinking that perhaps no one does, though I'm going to work on the theory that maybe I've just been too closed for too long...and people pick up on that.

So I have been hanging out with that guy I cut off back in November of last year. He wanted me to write about him, and believe me I've been tempted, but I think he actually reads this blog.

He's going to be starting on T soon. I'm really glad that he will be.

I am of the belief that hormones are a medical need for transsexuals. I know that I was partially stuck in pre-adolescence until I transitioned, and I see that in a few of the pre-transition people that I know, not everyone, but in quite a few. I think puberty is a necessary thing to go through and I think going through the wrong puberty is similar to not going through puberty at all.

I've said this before. There were a lot of things that I just didn't get before I transitioned. And that really affected my ability to function normally.

It's complicated to explain what hormones do for transsexuals, but it is a really big deal.

That said, I've been tolerating a lot from this guy that I wouldn't tolerate otherwise. I'm also beginning to run out of patience.

I mean, I'm not getting angry, it's just that more and more I'm thinking that what I'm going to have to do and keep doing to be his friend is just way more than friendship is worth to me.

I've been trying to figure out a way to write about friendship, or rather what friendship means to me. I have a couple of friends I care a great deal for and have been friends with for a long time. I have a few friends that i haven't known for very long but I really value spending time with them and they're the types of people that I want to have more of in my life. Then there are a few more people who I trust and can depend on and are just really decent people to me and I appreciate their friendship because of that. Then there are more people who I end up spending a lot of time with because we do the same things. Then there are a bunch of people who like me and I like them and maybe we only ever meet occasionally, or we nod at each other when we pass on the street. If I was having a huge party like I used to in college I'd probably invite them.

Basically I commit to people to the level they are willing to commit to me.
I think this is healthy and what most people do.

I think with this guy I've been hanging out with again...he has no idea how he feels about me, and isn't even willing to commit to dinner...or when he does he sulks the whole time and acts like I tricked him into something.

"Investing" in a friendship is bullshit and dishonest. If I call someone to hang out it's because I want to hang out with that person, not because I feel like I need to or should or because I want something else later. If I hang out with someone every night it's because I want to not because I'm trying to build a friendship.

Although, that said, if I hang out with someone like all the time it starts to feel like a relationship.

Especially when he's doing things like kissing me good night. (Okay, little friendly kisses and only once open mouthed).

Of course after a couple of weeks he basically disappeared.

He doesn't want a relationship with me which is fine, but he doesn't seem to understand my limits when it comes to friendship.

Being friends with someone you want to date but aren't going to sucks. I've done that before and learned that however great the friendship it usually isn't worth it.

On top of the mixed signals are the flat out contradictions he makes. I think he doesn't give me credit for having as good of a memory as I do...I here him telling other people things that are completely different from what he told me, for example:

When we first met he told me he had majored in Painting and Printmaking at VCU, just recently he told someone I was talking to that he majored in Kinetic Imaging.

My friends tell me I should just drop him, (except for one) and I'm probably not going to do that...but after our conversation last November (my brother's birthday BTW, yeah I remember the date...arghhh) I don't take him all that seriously. I mean, he really wants to be friends.

I mean he told me once that he really wanted to be friends. Actually he begged. But when it comes down to it he's not really into being a friend.

He broke up with a boyfriend and then decided to spend a whole lot of time with me then he got uncomfortable because he doesn't want to date me and decided to spend no time what soever with me (and hang out with his ex again, and hit on this kid I used to work with. This of course is all speculation.

I think it also might be that he only wants to be my friend when he really feels the need to transition.

Either way I don't think I'm really a part of it.

Just, when he isn't showing off how smart he is in front of my friends, or trying to start an argument or doe something to be the center of attention. He can actually be really, really sweet.

I wish other people (at least other people I know) could see that side of him. It would make me look a little less crazy for putting up with him.

Arghh... He requested that I write about him again. Apparently a lot of people know of him through this blog. I don't know if he'll like what I wrote. Actually he probably won't.

Actually I think he might be really pissed off. I probably would be.

I'd probably stop talking to myself.

Definitions (again) which aren't mainstream ideas yet but are true nonetheless

I haven't had much to write about recently.

Not that there hasn't been anything happening, just nothing happening that I really feel like writing about in this blog. Too many people I know read this blog and there are some situations I don't want to post about here.

Some good some bad.

Anyway, I haven't written about my troubles with the TG clinic recently, and I won't. Overall I think they're doing a wonderful thing...they probably saved my life.

Also for whatever reason a lot of people I know have been making a lot of progress in their transitions recently.

I have kind of been coming to a new sense of understanding of myself as trans recently also. Which is interesting. It's really hard to explain. I do not identify as transgender. There is nothing trans about my gender, or gender expressions, or likes and dislikes, or my identity for that matter. But I do have a trans experience, and appreciation for which I'm increasingly proud of. I've toyed with the idea of doing drag (female to male) but the truth is I couldn't bear to see it. So as awesome as I think drag kings are I could never do it. Perhaps I'm not quite over the trauma of being misgendered for such a long time. On the other hand, I'm really not that type of girl. Masculinity is something I don't identify with enough to ever want to express. (masculinity referring in this instance to how one experiences their gender)

So, I am not transgender. I've talked about this with other transsexuals and maybe a few cissexuals. I don't know if cissexual cisgender people are capable of understanding it.

So to define terms (again):

Gender is how one experiences the world in terms of being masculine or feminine (or in between).
Sex is to what extent one's body is male or female.
Gender Identity refers to the innate sense of one's body (or what that body is supposed to be) as male, or female (or somewhere in between).
Transsexual is someone who's gender identity is not the same as their sex
Transgender is someone who's gender is not the same as their gender identity.

Make sense?

It is possible to be transsexual but not transgender, and it is possible to be transgender and not transsexual.

At one point I experienced my gender (masculine) as something different than my gender identity (female).
My gender never seemed natural to me (like feminine does) but I never the less experienced it. That made me transgender. I also experienced my gender identity (female) as different from my sex (male) which made me transsexual.
I gravitated towards my natural gender (feminine) over time and as I matured and became more confident in myself as a person. My natural gender matches my gender identity but not my sex. Hence I am transsexual not transgender. And there is a difference.

trans/cis misunderstandings and what I can anticipate with SRS

I posed a question on facebook asking my cisgendered women friends what they would say if they had to write an 800 word essay describing why they wanted to keep their vagina and how it played into their plans for the future.

I got a response which I kind of wasn't anticipating. I hope she isn't mad at me for reposting it here.

short answer: while i enjoy certain activities with it, the thing it's designed to do as a result of that completely horrifies me. its potential to do that thing, reproduce, causes me discomfort on a monthly basis, and general anxiety on a less regular basis. so im not a hundred percent sure i'd want to keep it, or if somebody offered me a trade for something that didn't have the potential to create life but still was utilitarian in a sexual way, i might take it.

I think that there are actually a lot of trans/cis misunderstandings encompassed in this response. So I thought it warranted a little bit of a discussion.

It would be really hypocritical of me to claim that I knew what it was like to have a period or have the potential to give birth. I don't and I never will. And I think that fact, in and of itself, makes a lot of cisgendered women skeptical as to how legitimate a woman a transsexual woman actually is. I mean, I've often gotten, "you get all the advantages of being a woman without ever having to have a period." Well...I guess. I mean I think that this is a situation where both groups really feel their disadvantage to this question.

I'll try to explain my feelings from a trans perspective, which is all I'm really capable of.

My penis is not a source of pleasure for me. At best, I don't really think about it. A lot of the time it hurts when it becomes erect, though I don't particularly like having erections anyway. My penis isn't really a source of pleasure for me either. It most certianly isn't anything I would ever feel comfortable sharing with someone else. I have had sex in the past as a male and I did enjoy the closeness to another person, but I was rather detatched from the actual act. It just was never something I felt, so much as it was an action I performed. It's really complicated to explain, because I was attracted to my partner. I think the only way I can explain it is that my mind is wired for a different anatomy. I was capable of using my penis as a penis but I never really felt any connection with that action. 

I'm not going to get pregnant. I'm not going to get anyone pregnant as a matter of fact; I don't ejaculate anymore. But I have to say that the presense of a vagina does not make any woman fertile or give her periods. That has more to do with internal organs that I don't really have the option of getting.

One could argue that my penis is "utilitarian in a sexual way," but only for sexual acts that I'm not interested in and don't really enjoy.

On top of that there is such a connection between having a penis and masculinity in our society that it will always connect me with maleness. I wrote yesterday about how important it really is for me not to be regarded as male, because on a very deep level I identify as female. What cis women have that they will never understand or appreciate is that from the moment they were born they've been identified as female, they have never had to fight for that, they've never had that denied from them, and even if they were, or are occasionally mistaken as men they can dismiss it on a level that I that I can't.

It's easy to complain about being able to get pregnant and having a period, when you don't want to get pregnant and when your femaleness is above question in the eyes of the world.

For me, at 30, I wish I could have my own children. I really wish I could have my own children. Maybe I'm not ready for them right now but I wish that it was a possibility. Maybe someday I'll be able to adopt, if I move to state where being trans doesn't disqualify me on moral grounds. And that isn't quite the same, plus, until I get my surgery I can't change my birth certificate which means if I move across state lines I'll be identified as male.

I don't know. I can never explain this. If it were required and possible for me to have a monthly period for the rest of my life so that I could be regarded as female, I would without hesitation. Even though I haven't experienced it and have no way of knowing what it is really like.

That said, when I do go for in my surgery I'll have to stop taking hormones about a week before. That won't be pleasant. My atrophied testicles will not be able to produce testosternoe like they once did but they will produce some and testosterone, expecially when it hasn't been in my system for a while makes me feel like shit, kind of depressed and really irratable. After my surgery, I'll be completely bedridden for several days, after which they'll remove my catheter and several yards of bloody gauze and they'll teach me to dilate. I'll continue to bleed off and on for a couple weeks and occassionally when I dilate for quite a while. I'll be able to start homones again, which will be nice, but after a couple of weeks without them I'll be really moody for the first month. Peeing will hurt since my vagina will basically be an open wound, and since my muscles will have been realligned it will take me a little while to figure out how. Dilating will hurt for the first couple of months; I'll be stretching my vaginal tissue and making sure it doesn't close with scar tissue. I'll have to dilate for fifteen minutes a day three times a day for a year, and then I'll be able to scale that back a little. 

That is if I don't have any complications. 

After the first year my life will basically return to normal (except I'll still have to dilate). I still won't be able to get pregnant and I won't have any periods.

I don't know what it is like to be a cissexual woman, but the physical discomfort that my trans vagina will cause me won't be any walk in the park either.

So why do I want to go through all that?

That's what I'm trying to write 800 words about, and why I asked that question of my cissexual friends. 

about body image and trans feelings and trying to write another essay for the Jim Collins grant

I wanted to write about this essay I'm trying to write for the Jim Collin's Grant, and some about  the intesity of trans feelings, and about seeing some pictures recently that were taken of me in college.

I looked really feminine. Alot more so than I realized. I looked alot like I do now. I wasn't hiding this whole trans thing quite a deeply as I thought.

And then about my appearance. I don't think I'm shallow but looking like a woman is really really important to me, or at least believing that I do. I mean, us trans women sometimes get shit on about obsessing with our appearance and posting a thousand pitures of ourselves...but then again we've lived a significant portion of our lives being called men, and being told how masculine we look, and even telling ourselves that. It's not that passing is the end all be all, but our sense of gender really is.

I mean, if I were to here things like "he's really a man" all the time, or even just constantly being "he'd" I'd probably suffer from some form of depression. Actually, I think I did back when I did. 

I mean when you transition you have a stage of gender euphoria when you first allow yourself to express yourself as the gender you identify with, but it wears off after a while. It stops being something special, it's just how you dress and who you are. If after all of that, and even maybe years of expressing who you are through the clothing you wear you still have everyone misgendering you...it takes someone really strong. I mean for a trans woman to be called "he" is basically saying to her that you think that deep down at one of her deepest levels you think she is a fake. And since our gender is such an essential truth to who we are, something that we are willing to risk our lives for, it really really hurts.

I hope that someday we live in a society where neough people understand gender that it is easy to dismiss someone who says "that's really a man," but right now we don't. If that was something I heard all the time, or chose to hear all the time, or thought I heard all the time...I might just be a little suicidal.

I mean, it actually really affected me hearing that a trans woman my age, who I saw at Babe's regularly, and who I'd spoken with a couple of times, had committed suicide. I don't know her well enough to say what her reasoning was. Or even speculate. But I do know she dealt with the same condition that for the grace of God didn't take my life, and I wanted to write something about it.

I write this blog to give a sense about who I am as a person. I write it both so that people who are in the same place I was before I transitioned can read my experience and so that people who aren't trans, maybe can know that I'm a real person. I don't live my life in costume. I really am female, and being trans can really hurt.

The final thing I want to write about is this essay I'm in the process of writing for the Jim Collin's foundation. Basically I need to explain who I am and how surgery is in my plan for the future. Basically why do I want a vagina.

Okay, yes. I do want to have sex, sex that I'm not going to feel somewhat disconnected from, uncomfortable with, and for the most part dissapointed with. I know I need a vagina for that...

But I don't want to write 800 words about wanting to have sex. That will make me sound like a perv. 

I will feel complete, it will relieve an awful lot of discomfort I feel in my body. I'll be more comfortable at the beach, or at a pool, or at a club, or hell wearing blue jeans in the kitchen, anywhere it occasionally comes untucked. It will make things a lot more comfortable without having to deal with all the secondary issues of tucking all the time...not that it is painful to tuck, but it does get uncomfortble holding it all between my legs when it is supper hot outside. It'll be nice to be able to make out with someone and not have to worry about it poping out, I mean, not that anyone I ever make out with doesn't know but it kills my mood when that thing is present.

I don't know. It isn't really an easy essay to write. 

If you're a woman...why do you need a vagina.