Words of encouragement for those in transition, and who I am as a woman versus who I was as a man

I'm not going to write a long post tonight.

I just celebrated Christmas in July by having a few friends over and eating Christmas dinner. It really feels like Christmas, more so actually than Christmas did for me this year. That's another story.

Anyway I'm thinking back to Christmas 2009. I was living at home after being evicted from an apartment. My parents gave me a pair of hiking boots which I absolutely refused and felt like a real shit for doing it. I wasn't out to them so I couldn't explain why I couldn't accept a pair of men's hiking boots. After dinner and an evening in front of the TV everyone went to bed and I got on the computer and watched Youtube videos of other transsexuals.

I really wanted to be where they were: transitioned, men and women who looked, acted, and sounded like normal men and women.

I'm there.

I was there nine months ago but I'm more there now; I have C cups.But seriously, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror right everyone left and I am a beautiful young woman. You can barely see that "man" I was. A few things about that, and I'm sure I've written this before. I see myself when I look in the mirror. Yeah sometimes it surprises me just how feminine and beautiful I look, but I see myself. I never saw myself as a man. I'm  really, really happy. Transition was one of the most difficult periods of my life, and it was really really hard to come out to my parents, family, and friends. It was hard to accept myself as a trans person. It was hard to accept that I will always have a past that most people think is unusual, and that some people will never understand that I transitioned because I needed to. Despite that I am really, really happy, and it shows.

I'm thinking back on the "man" I was, especially because I hung out tonight with someone who knew me as a man and hadn't seen me since I transitioned. She said I was a really somber man.

Somber is a good word. I wasn't happy. I was never happy. It was hard for me to imagine happiness. I drank too much. I almost needed to to enjoy others' company and to tolerate myself. I never was excited about anything. I didn't wear clothes I liked. I didn't take care of myself like I do now.

A lot of people knew me as a man and haven't met me as a woman. I love it when they do. I'm happy with who I am and who I have become. I'm bubbly and intelligent. I don't need crutches like beer and cigarettes to feel comfortable with people. I'm much healthier and happier. I think anyone who meets me as a woman who once knew me as a man will see that.

I just wanted to write this blog for all the people who are where I was on Christmas 2009, and in all the months leading up to my transition, and who are still in the middle of all the stresses of transition, and who are still struggling with accepting a trans identity. 

Transition is so worth it. Transition is worth everything I ever had to give up. It's worth all the friends and family I might have lost. It's worth all the pointing and staring I got. It's worth being different from almost everyone. It's worth all the times I had to try to defend or justify my gender.

I'm not going to tell anyone that transition is easy. I'm not going to tell anyone that transition is difficult. If you need to transition it will happen. Whatever you have to go through will be so incredibly worth it.

I love being a woman. I love my life. Everyday gets better and better. I've gone from someone who dreaded the fact that she might live another 70 years and wondered how the hell I was going to do it. To being someone who hopes she lives to be 120.