Trans Spirituality

I just got back from shopping at the outlet malls in Williamsburg. I need new shoes for work. I picked out some really cute ones, then I helped my friend pick out a nice pair of men's slacks. He is working on building a new wardrobe. Anyway him and I always have the best conversations, and he inspired me to write this blog.

I love my trans guy friends. I really like hearing about the trans experience from a different perspective. Especially since it is basically the same experience. Obviously it's different; I have no desire to be a man, but it is really great to hear someone else describe having a very similar childhood experience to mine, like pretending to be sick to stay home from school, dress, and watch the transsexuals on Springer. I mean it's nice to know that it isn't just a mtf thing. Anyway...

The topic of spirituality isn't something I've covered much. It's a difficult topic for me to write about. It has definitely been somewhat of a struggle.

The biggest question was why? Why would God put me in the situation where I was labeled male and expected to act like a male. I am so poorly equipped to play that role, but for a large portion of my life I thought it was my moral obligation to make the best of it. Why would God have me born with a "male body," and not expect me to be "male. Especially reading that verse in Deuteronomy saying that a man dressed as a woman is an abomination to God. Talk about some heavy guilt and shame I experienced as a teenager.

The thing is, I really didn't want to be an abomination, but the only thing in my life I have ever had no almost no control over was my need to dress as a girl at least part of the time. I don't think I was ever a cross dresser; I was always transsexual, but for a time as a teenager I identified as one. I don't know how to describe it except to say it was absolutely a need of mine to see myself as female, just like now I don't think I am strong enough to ever see a "male" reflection in a mirror again. That is lost to me.

Another thing about it is, living as a male was pretty close to hell for me. When I thought it was my moral obligation because of how I was born, I couldn't imagine any God existing who was so cruel to expect me to live eternity as a male. So imagining heaven was basically impossible for me. Heaven was impossible for me before I transitioned.

So my transguy friend I went to Williamsburg with today and I always have the best conversations. I've only ever known one other person who was so engaging. She barely speaks to me anymore. I think me transitioning is only slightly easier for her than watching me slowly die living as a man, but that's another story.

We ended up talking a little about the spirituality of being trans. I think it helps that we have similar religious backgrounds; we're both Catholic.

Before I talk about our conversation I do want to address how I see that verse in Deuteronomy as applying to me. First of all there isn't any such thing as "men's clothing" or "women's clothing." A skirt is just a skirt it is only our culture that makes it a feminine article of clothing. So to read that verse as speaking against cross dressing is absurd. Humans use clothing as a form of communication. What I wear says something about who I am. I think what that verse is actually speaking to is our moral obligation to be truthful about who we are. I want to be clear I am not arguing against cross dressing. I'm arguing against dressing in such a way as to lie about who we are as God's creations. I think prior to transitioning I was an abomination, and as such heaven was impossible for me. People define "woman" in many different ways but who I am now and how I dress now is at least honest, and I see myself and the person God intended me to be in my reflection. Whereas before I saw my own creation: a shallow, hollow, imitation of a man.

Of course I also think God is patient. I didn't transition when I needed to, but I did transition and I feel I am being rewarded for that more so than I ever expected. From a Catholic point of view I see it as accepting my cross; being a trans person isn't easy. A cross is also very much so a blessing. Jesus did not want to go to his crucifixion but he accepted it as God's plan and in doing so he was the son of God. Given my choice I would have been born cisgendered, but I would be no where near the person I am.

Transition is such a unique experience. It's hard not to think of it as a religious experience. One, as trans people we have our deepest prayers answered more and more fully everyday. I mean I don't remember when I started praying to wake up and be a girl, it was probably earlier than I remember. Then one day that prayer was answered and I realized it had been answered before I even thought to pray it. The only reason I ever wanted to be a girl is because I am. Experiencing that, despite how difficult a cross transness can be, is pretty amazing. But you know it's also the empathy I have that I wouldn't have had as cis. I mean I fit in nreally well with what is expected from a woman; I did not have that experience as a man. I don't know that I'd have any empathy towards people who don't live up to their gender expectations had I never experienced not being able to. Also I think given my innate femininity, I have definitely benefited from learning to access my masculinity. I mean I already come across to people as really, really feminine. I don't know if I'd be able to survive very easily if I hadn't learned to butch it up a little.

There are strengths to both masculine and feminine ways of thinking.

It isn't easy for me to talk about my spirituality.I'm sure I've done a good job.

Words of encouragement for those in transition, and who I am as a woman versus who I was as a man

I'm not going to write a long post tonight.

I just celebrated Christmas in July by having a few friends over and eating Christmas dinner. It really feels like Christmas, more so actually than Christmas did for me this year. That's another story.

Anyway I'm thinking back to Christmas 2009. I was living at home after being evicted from an apartment. My parents gave me a pair of hiking boots which I absolutely refused and felt like a real shit for doing it. I wasn't out to them so I couldn't explain why I couldn't accept a pair of men's hiking boots. After dinner and an evening in front of the TV everyone went to bed and I got on the computer and watched Youtube videos of other transsexuals.

I really wanted to be where they were: transitioned, men and women who looked, acted, and sounded like normal men and women.

I'm there.

I was there nine months ago but I'm more there now; I have C cups.But seriously, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror right everyone left and I am a beautiful young woman. You can barely see that "man" I was. A few things about that, and I'm sure I've written this before. I see myself when I look in the mirror. Yeah sometimes it surprises me just how feminine and beautiful I look, but I see myself. I never saw myself as a man. I'm  really, really happy. Transition was one of the most difficult periods of my life, and it was really really hard to come out to my parents, family, and friends. It was hard to accept myself as a trans person. It was hard to accept that I will always have a past that most people think is unusual, and that some people will never understand that I transitioned because I needed to. Despite that I am really, really happy, and it shows.

I'm thinking back on the "man" I was, especially because I hung out tonight with someone who knew me as a man and hadn't seen me since I transitioned. She said I was a really somber man.

Somber is a good word. I wasn't happy. I was never happy. It was hard for me to imagine happiness. I drank too much. I almost needed to to enjoy others' company and to tolerate myself. I never was excited about anything. I didn't wear clothes I liked. I didn't take care of myself like I do now.

A lot of people knew me as a man and haven't met me as a woman. I love it when they do. I'm happy with who I am and who I have become. I'm bubbly and intelligent. I don't need crutches like beer and cigarettes to feel comfortable with people. I'm much healthier and happier. I think anyone who meets me as a woman who once knew me as a man will see that.

I just wanted to write this blog for all the people who are where I was on Christmas 2009, and in all the months leading up to my transition, and who are still in the middle of all the stresses of transition, and who are still struggling with accepting a trans identity. 

Transition is so worth it. Transition is worth everything I ever had to give up. It's worth all the friends and family I might have lost. It's worth all the pointing and staring I got. It's worth being different from almost everyone. It's worth all the times I had to try to defend or justify my gender.

I'm not going to tell anyone that transition is easy. I'm not going to tell anyone that transition is difficult. If you need to transition it will happen. Whatever you have to go through will be so incredibly worth it.

I love being a woman. I love my life. Everyday gets better and better. I've gone from someone who dreaded the fact that she might live another 70 years and wondered how the hell I was going to do it. To being someone who hopes she lives to be 120.

Official diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder in an adult, trans self-acceptance

I was just officially diganosed as someone with Gender Identity Disorder in Adults. Last night I went and celebrated the diagnosis. It's funny in two ways; I've been living as a woman full time for almost two years and have been on estrogen for nearly as long, and ten years ago I never imagined that the diagnosis of "Transsexual" would be something that would be cause to celebrate.

Basically by the time I started seeing a therapist I was so far along in my transition that I never was actually diagnosed. I was already living almost full time as a woman and I did have a couple of things to sort out still but I basically knew that transition was in my future.

I want to clarify that a little. When I started seeing a therapist I was living socially as a woman. I had begun removing my facial hair, and I was pretty sure I wanted to start hormones. It took a couple months for me to be really sure that hormones were the right step. I wanted to make sure I didn't have any delusions, which speaks to the fact that I still wasn't all that confident in my transness though I was basically out of the closet. I also had a history of starting estrogen and then stopping a month or two later and I wanted to make sure I was ready to continue with the treatment and fully transition. 

Trans panic can be a real bitch. I started to transition several times only to stop because of a case of trans panic. "I can't really be this much of a freak." 

So this time as much as I wanted to start hormones I waited until I was confident I could work through any case of trans panic.

What a lot of people don't realize or don't think about is that being transsexual is actually a medical condition and it is diagnosed by certain set criteria. Okay so they've learned a lot about it since they first wrote the guidelines and they changed it to allow for greater access of treatment. Still you actually have to be approved for Gender Confirmation Surgery.

So my therapist asked me all the diagnostic questions:

Did you ever engage in cross dressing [before you transitioned]? Yes

When did you start? age 9

Did you ever stop? I tried to several times but I never was able to.

[Before you transitioned] Were you into men or women sexually? I kind of wasn't into sex, but if forced to choose I would definitely have chosen women. I think it was a trust thing. I don't trust men and never really have. I've never understood them very well. 

[Now that you've come quite a long way in transition] Are you into men or women sexually? I don't know. I mean more and more I think I'm going to end up in a relationship with a man but right now I don't have the right equipment. It might be really judgmental of me but it seems that the only cis men who are interested in women like me are also interested in something I'm not into. Your male parts? Yeah. I don't really see myself sexually involved with a cis guy right now because I have very specific boundaries that I don't trust they would know how to respect. Women and trans men understand boundaries. But then I also don't know if it is completely a trust thing. I don't know that I'll be into cis men after I've had my surgery. I need to feel comfortable with my body before I really know who I am sexually.

Did you have any discomfort with your sexuality?I don't understand the question. What are they asking about? Well you did say you weren't really interested in sex. Right. I don't know what they're asking for. I'll make a note of that.

[Before you transitioned] Did you ever have sex? Yes, I had one girlfriend for six months it took her 3 months to convince me to have sex with her. [How did you do it? Did you use fantasies?] I played a role.[Did you ever have fantasies while you were with her] Well...I played a role. (actually except when I was with her I only have ever had sexual fantasies of myself as a woman having sex with a man, when I was with my ex and we were having sex I only ever thought about her outside of the bedroom. A pre-transition mtf is pretty loyal that way. I didn't tell my therapist this.)

[since you've transitioned] have you had any sexual partners? I've had three. [male or female] two trans guys and one girl. I tend to be attracted to trans guys. But it wasn't actual sex. I don't really go any further than heavy petting. The best thing about coming out as trans was being able to admit that I don't like this (motioning towards my penis) and don't like doing anything with it. Before I started taking estrogen I never really understood sexual desire. All my friends (and I almost teared up) had this thing that I didn't have access to. They enjoyed sex and desired it and I never really got that. Now I can at least understand the desire.

I'm probably leaving out a couple of questions. I answered as honestly as I could, though my answers probably would have been different before I started hormones. I have a little more perspective now, and I'm comfortable enough with myself to admit the truth. Before I'd been on hormones for a while I doubt I would have admitted I had no interest in sex, though the truth was the idea that someday I'd get married and have to do it regularly scared the hell out of me, and when someone asked me how I'd feel about being in a relationship with her knowing that she was going to wait until marriage to have sex I was all for it even though I wasn't particularly religious.

The thing about this blog is that I share an awful lot of personal information. I'm a bit of a narcissistic extrovert. But seriously I think it is really important to share stuff like this. I spent most of my life thinking I was a deeply disturbed freak, I mean, what type of guy wants to be a girl, really wants to be  girl. No matter how hard I tried not to or how hard I tried to ignore it, it was always there. After a while I realized that I wasn't and never could be a man. You know that Goo Goo Dolls lyric "I guess I'll never know what it means to be a man, there's somethings I can't change, I'll live around it." I thought I could "live around it." 'cause afterall there really isn't anything wrong with being a really feminine guy. The thing is that really isn't possible.

I actually wanted to write this blog entry to talk about trans self acceptance, and the cisgendered perspective on trans people. Cisgendered people do not understand us and they can't from there perspective. I came a long way in my own self acceptance when I allowed myself to think from a trans point of view, or I allowed myself to ask the questions "What if I am a girl? How would any other girl react to having excess testosterone and a penis? How would any other girl feel about being constantly mistaken for a guy?" And the thing is answering those questions I suddenly make sense. Asking the question "What would cause a boy to want to be a girl?" is a dead end, and that is the question every cisgender theorist always asks about trans people. That is the question I spent my entire teen years and most of my twenties asking myself, and there is no good answer. There are only a lot of answers that contribute to transphobia and anti trans thoughts and theories. It's the question that so many people answer by blaming our patriarchal society, by saying trans men can't cope with the partiarchal hierarchy and trans women can't accept their masculine femininity. The truth and the only way to understand trans people is that yes a trans woman is female and always has been and a trans man is male and always has been.

To realize that all my thoughts and feelings and actions prior to transition were pretty consistent with how any healthy well adjusted girl would have thought felt and acted given identical circumstances as mine, helped me come a long was in my own self acceptance. 

Now I generally consider my transition to have begun during the beginning of summer 2010 and to basically be over now except for raising funds for my surgery, and the bulk of it did happen during that time period but the reality is I was always in transition and always will be. That is the human experience. I mean at what point did it become inevitable that I would grow up and become a woman? Was it the first time I went to a gay bar dressed en femme, or was it the first time I went out en femme, or the first time I bought women's clothing, or the first time I tried on a bra, or the first time I saw other trans people on the TV, or the first time I looked and the mirror and saw a girl? There isn't one event, except perhaps my birth, that happened to me which put me on the path to womanhood. In hindsight there really was no other possible outcome for me other than an early death and in this I'm like every other woman.

Sometimes my transition feels like a rolling stone. It took a while to gain momentum but there has been no stopping it. Cis people will always ask why I decided to become a woman and I think that the answer to that question is that I really didn't decide. I'm the same person I always have been. Now that I've corrected what is a medical problem with a medical diagnosis I am a happier, healthier, more confident woman than I was before, but I still wake up the same person I always have been.

The thing about transition is that it saved my life and my spirituality. Living as a man, for me, was pure hell. I hope that other people read my blog entries, (and eventually after I've had my surgery and can pursue other things like a PhD) my theories and that being trans becomes less of a burden.

 

Losing yourself in transition to find yourself

So when you transition you go through a phase where you kind of lose yourself. In hindsight I started going through that phase a long time before I actually started transitioning. When I finally did there really wasn't all that much left to "Nathan." I, as you can see in my first entry in this blog, was living at home and honestly didn't have much of an identity except as a transsexual.

Yeah, gender identity is that important. I couldn't ignore it any longer.

After you finally lose yourself you begin to find yourself again. I can say that "Nathan" died over Thanksgiving weekend 2010. I had been living as a woman but working as a man, and then I had a four day weekend where I didn't have to go anywhere as a man. I passed fairly well by that time though I wasn't on hormones.  I had to quit my insurance sales job after that weekend. I couldn't bring myself to face anyone as a man again.

I started building my identity as a woman about six months prior to Thanksgiving, and by that weekend I had enough of one that I didn't really need "Nathan" anymore. Being transgendered is kind of like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. My internal self was always female but I created this external male persona  to protect myself. It started out as a way to protect myself from bullying and ridicule in grade school but it ended up being the type of thing where I was absolutely terrified to let that person go.It was a  "I need to hold on to 'Nathan' because I'll never be able to support myself" type of thing. Like a woman who is terrified to be independent because her husband convinced her she wasn't capable of it.

I think it was just four days without "Nathan" that helped me realize that I didn't need him.

While you're losing yourself you're actually also finding yourself. Eventually you cross that invisible line and everyone sees you as the sex you actually are not the sex on your birth certificate, and a funny thing happens; you stop thinking about gender all the time and you begin to rediscover other things and other interests. Eventually you become the person you always were. I don't mean that to say "I was always a woman and then became one." I mean to say I was always this person that I am, and now that everyone knows me as a woman, I am the same person I was when no one thought of me as a woman, only I am free to be myself; my thoughts aren't consumed by gender.

I mean, and I'm aware that this is gonna sound really girly but oh well, I definitely have a palette of colors that I always wear. It definitely is seasonal and part of it is what colors look good on me but honestly I buy the colors that I like. They are just colors that I am drawn to. The thing about it is they were the same colors that I loved as a little kid and would pick out of the crayola box. It's more complex than just this.

Last night I saw friend of mine from college play at a local club. I also ran into a bunch of my college friends. The thing is I'm still the same person, I'm also definitely a woman. Really the only thing I can compare it to is that at 18, I was the same person I was when I was 12 only I was 18.

When I am alone with myself and my God I am the same person I have always been, and the relationship I have with myself and my God is the same it has always been.

It's just that for years I thought of that relationship as masculine. Or, I didn't, not enough to really accept it. I wouldn't have transitioned if I truly accepted it.

Sometimes it's surprising to me when I am referred to as "She." It's more surprising when someone calls me "He." I am very aware that my body is basically female at this point; I look like a normal woman when I wear a two piece. I think the thing is that I thought transitioning would mean I would become a different person and the truth is I haven't.

Right now I'm kind of reconciling myself with the fact that I am a very feminine person and that I really always have been. I'm reconciling myself with the fact that I spent almost my entire life feeling really jealous of every girl I saw thinking they had something I didn't, when in reality I had it all along.

Transsexualism is a simple hormone imbalance, but how we experience ourselves is anything but simple. The fact is I am as female as any other woman I know. I wish I hadn't been told I wasn't. I hope someday I have completely recovered from that experience of everyone thinking I was a boy.

I used to be awoken three or four times a night by the prayer "God, please let me wake up and be a girl."

Now its. "I'm a woman. Thank you God for creating me as a female person."

In my half awake state last night I was planning this blog entry. It started "I am beautiful..." I don't know how I would have explained the rest. But it was something about how the experiences that make up a trans person gives us incredibly beautiful souls.

I couldn't de-transition if I wanted to

I've been feeling really trans positive all week.

I've also been thinking about transition. It's an odd thing really. I have transitioned to the point where people totally accept me as female. I'm not talking about passing. I've passed for quite a while now. Basically over the past few days helping my friend begin his transition it's been dawning on me that were I for some reason to want to return to living as a man it would be a very difficult thing for me to do, and honestly I don't think I'd ever be able to pass as well as I did before transition. For one thing I really love my breasts and there is no way I would ever give them up but seriously short of moving somewhere and starting a completely new life I don't think anyone would ever buy me as a man.

Psychologically I couldn't do it. Actually I probably would have less endurance for it than a cisgendered woman would, considering my past. I went "full time" as a woman when I could no longer force myself to present as a man. That happened relatively quickly after I first started going out dressed as a woman regularly. I think somewhere in the depths of my subconscious I knew that was the case and I think a big reason I was never really a "cross-dresser" (in public anyway) was because even any acceptance as a woman would cause me to seek full acceptance which I did and have. Read Norah Vincent's Self Made Man for some insight into what living as a man was like for me and why I couldn't go back.

But the thought that for some reason if I did want to start living as a man again I would have to retransition is an interesting thought. I think because in transition there is no way to guess what type of man or woman you will become. I mean I suspected I'd be a jeans and t-shirts kinda girl who was just on the feminine side of androgynous. I am not. I mean I wear jeans and t-shirts to work and occasionally outside of work, but I'm not feminine androgynous by any means, I'm flat out feminine in my person and in my outward expression of that person.

If for some reason I were to go back to living as a man I doubt "straight Nate" would return. I imagine I would be heterosexual but I can't imagine that I would by any means be masculine.

Which is kind of the dilemma I was in before transitioning. Or rather that isn't accurate at all. I am female, and was female and a rather feminine female at that but prior to transitioning I had kind of learned how to act and speak to appear masculine to others. I imagine I still have the knowledge but probably not the ability.

Anyway this is kind of a milestone. For better or for worse I am a woman and will be for the rest of my life.


The thing about it is being a woman is not all that different from being a man was. For me anyway. I mean the  biggest difference I can think of is that there is more of me. As a man I was severely limited in my personality because I couldn't access it. How I'm actually treated isn't all that different.

Okay, my opinions don't hold the weight they used to, my abilities aren't valued as highly etc. Of course I also don't get yelled at for being to quiet in the kitchen anymore, and people actually listen to me without me having to be much more forceful with my opinions than feels natural. If you want a list of the differences between being perceived as a woman an being perceived as a man I can't really give you one. I don't experience the world differently. There's just more of me to offer.

Which is kind of why it is hard to explain being trans to cis people and why they can't understand us from their perspective. I did "want" to become a woman, but only because I really wasn't ever a man. I basically was a pre-adolescent female until the age of 28...with a rather horrible hormone imbalance.

I mean being "a man" was horrible for me, because honestly what woman wants to be breastless, hairy and built like a man.

So...I'm kind of happy that that is someplace I can't go back to.

A little about transition, starting transition, a being there for a transitioning friend

So...I have a friend who recently came out to me as a trans guy. He is just beginning transition and I am really really happy for him and really really happy to be there as a friend and help him through it. He had a case of trans panic yesterday and I helped him through it. We ended up hanging out at another t-guy friend of mine and I was worried that maybe I was pushing him to far to fast. He definitely looked uncomfortable at first but he eventually opened up and it was a good group of people.

I just wanted to write this blog to talk about how happy I am for him. Talking to him this morning, he has reached that point you need to reach before you can do anything about gender dysphoria. You have to be willing to accept yourself for whoever you are. Maybe you won't be an ultra femme trans woman who passes as cis. Maybe you don't even really need hormones. Maybe you simply need to cross dress and present as your target sex every once in a while. And whatever, it's all good. I strongly suspected that I needed to completely transition when I first started but I wasn't absolutely sure about it until I got there. Transition involves a while between genders, and you need to be willing to accept that maybe that is where you feel most comfortable with yourself, or maybe that's how others will view you. Maybe you'll be a really gay acting cross-dressing man, maybe you won't but whatever that's good. And you'll be yourself the way you were intended to be, and you'll be so much happier than you imagined possible.

I truly thank God constantly for my feminine body, my breasts, my slender arms, and have for every little change since I started transition. I am so incredibly happy and feel so good about myself. I have been crushing on this t-guy quite a bit since he told me. I suspected that he was trans before, but when he told me I caught a glimpse of the man he will become/is and he is really incredible. This morning he told me that he didn't think he should start any relationships right now. I never asked. It wasn't necessarily directed at me, though to be honest I had been thinking about it. I also had been thinking that maybe he isn't ready for that and maybe I'm better for him as a friend and someone who has been through transition than in a relationship. I certainly wasn't ready for a relationship when I started transitioning and I wasn't ready for over a year. I'm glad I knew that, and I'm glad he knows it. 

There are no rules for transition, and what is true one moment may not be true the next. A lot of things change and a lot of things don't. There are no set finished lines, it isn't all preparation for the surgery, or for the "real life test," or for hormones. It's simply taking baby steps until you don't feel gender dysphoric anymore.

I am so happy that I can be friends with this person, and so happy that I can help him and be supportive to him and that I can introduce him to others who can be the same. I am so grateful for my friends who did that for me and were there to answer my questions without judgement. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for them and if I can do the same for someone else that makes me very happy.

That's why I'm not upset that he isn't ready for a relationship even though I was thinking about it. Transition was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It was spiritual, even. I would never want to, even innocently, hinder or slow anyone's transition. And I think that when it comes to transition we all have a sense of what we need to do or not do, to get to where we're going, even if it is only a vague sense. 

So basically if you are considering transition or just starting transition I haven't given you any set advice in this blog entry. I can't tell you to do this or don't do that, and you don't have to even know how far you're going to transition or who you are going to be. You just need to be sure about the next step. Maybe that is talking to people about it, or putting yourself in stable situation to transition, or dressing more androgynously, or hormones, or top surgery, or bottom surgery.

So I'm actually really proud of this guy. Beginning transition isn't easy. He's doing an awesome job of it, and if he reads this entry I'm really here for him and his needs.

My transition is more important to me than anything. And his transition is much much more important to me than any sort of attraction I have for him. There are plenty of other people for me but he only has one transition.