Introduction

Okay so a little about me. I'm 27. I'm trans. I'm just a little bit frightened about this and writing this to try and figure myself out. So this isn't anything new; I wanted to be a girl when I was just a little kid, since I was thirteen I've been following trans people on the internet and for a number of years now I absolutely have not been able to deny to myself that I am trans. The thing is I haven't been sure about how far I wanted to take that; I'm still not, but I suspect that transitioning is in my near future, and that I'm holding back because I am honestly scared as hell of going down this route.
Okay well I can get into that a little more later. I guess I'm writing this blog because I used to write one, until I came out in it decided to retreat and got a little embarrassed and erased it. Oh well, it turns out people are relatively willing to pretend that such a thing never happened like me telling all my friends that I was about to change my sex, even with me not specifically denying any such feelings. So I am kinda out, and I am kinda not, and it's a new year and I have a few goals; I want to bring Natalie into my life more. I mean I already spend a good deal of time at home dressed, but dressing is not enough and it's kinda satisfying but not at all if that makes any sense. It's like my disphoria is not about clothing but about how others perceive me. Like it feels nice to look in a mirror and see someone more like what I kinda expect to see but then again when I am alone I'm usually not looking at myself in a mirror and I feel like myself regardless of how I am dressed. Though I do dress because I feel like I have to do something, and even if it isn't satisfying...it's something.
Now I moved back home with my parents at the beginning of November, and was dumped by my sort of kind of girlfriend. I'll be moving into an apartment beginning of Feb. But I guess I'll talk about that briefly. My last place I lived alone and was able to dress when I felt like it. I'm not out to my parents and though I kinda think they suspect something, I'm not ready to be out to them. I need to get a little more comfortable with myself; hence this blog. So when I moved back home I started watching alot of videos by trans people. Well first it was hormone effects, but that quickly turned into transition vlogs. And I guess it is just that they all are so normal. I mean I've been so scared of being trans and of being this something I can't exactly describe. And what I was scared of seeing is not what I do see in transsexual people. So seeing this like I really want to have some trans friends.
I guess the other thing I should mention about my "ex" is that we've had a very long history together. I came out to her when I was 13, and several times after that, and finally summer '07 we had a pretty long talk on the phone about it of which afterwards she said that she thought transition really was a good thing for me. We hadn't been talking for a while but after that talk we started talking again and her feelings started to change and backed out of transitioning because I had to see about a relationship with her. If we didn't have such a history I don't know if I would have done that. Ultimately I think she was only ever attracted to me because I am trans. She is going through issues of her own (not trans) and is a part of that group exodus international (which I strongly disagree with) and lives in DC. I think that even though no one would say I come across as gay, a certian femininity does come across with me. For one only bisexual women have ever found me attractive, or rather I've only ever had chemistry with bisexual women. Also before I backed out of transitioning a few of my friends told me that my being trans actually really made since. Several years ago when I was having a rather severe dysphoria related inner struggle I "came out" as gay thinking it would relieve it. And everyone was supportive but they were all like I never really saw this in you, and honeslty I didn't either because I just couldn't be that identity. Anyway that's that.
I think right now I want to start seeing a therapist, start going out as Natalie and introduce my friends to her, and I want some trans friends. All of those are going to be big steps for me, though I have gone out as Natalie before, of course it was 7 years ago now. So I would like to say this is going to be a blog documenting my transition, but I'm not sure that it will be. I do know that I absolutely need to explore and get to know my feminine self. It's there and is not going anywhere and if I ever want to have any close relationships I need to be comfortable and open with it. I mean as it is I feel like Natalie is my true self and I keep her hidden, and that my masculine persona just has no substance, and that after a short time in any type of relationship I run out of room with my masculine persona. Make any sense? Anyway I hope some people read this and give me encouragement. I want to start going out in Feb, and I would like to go to a jrts meeting, but it is really scary, and one thing I can say about my masculine persona is that he is very popular, and it's like Natalie doesn't know anyone. So anyway I guess I've written enough for today.