I've been here before, sort of. I mean I want to transition. I want the works. Okay I haven't admitted that before. I mean even when I almost transitioned a summer of '08 I didn't admit that. "I don't know how far I want to go" I would say. Maybe I'll be alright just living in the role etc. but you know what, fuck it. I want to have a vagina. (actually I doubt I could say that out loud yet) I don't know somehow it never seemed possible, like I am broke, and jobless, and srs costs like so much money, and hair removal is so much, but I found out today I could get srs for a price I could reasonable expect to save up over the next several years, and that fan free clinic does offer therapy services. So this entry is crap, I've been putting my energy into writing a letter to my parents explaining that I am a transsexual and want to start getting treated for it, that I want to start living as a woman, take the hormones, and yes get the surgery when the time comes. If there is a god he has a sense of humor; Why anyone should ever have to write a letter like that is beyond me. I'm shooting for sending it on feb 2, when I'm back in Richmond, and hopefully employed.
I'm worried that they are going to think I'm having some sort of nervous breakdown, or that they'll think I haven't thought it out enough. I'm also rather dreading the conversation afterwards and really having to own up to my internal life that I have kept hidden for so long. It really is fear keeping me back. I wonder if once I am no longer afraid of being an oddity, weird, or thought of as crazy how quickly I would transition and get full time. Anyway one odd thing is that I can't really do anything not transition related, I mean I am only really motivated to get a job thinking that I can use it to fund transition. I'll talk about that stuff later.
Anyway who knows what this blog is gonna be. Well it's more of a diary because no one reads it, but it might just turn into a how to transition with almost no money whatsoever. I'm sure the rest of what I'm writing has been written a thousand times by others before me. Oh well I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I just hope that I actually go through with it this time. I'm running out of time in my twenties afterall.
Anyway enough for now.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
thinking about trannies
So many times in my life I have been so close to telling my parents that I think I need to be a woman. It's just that saying that sounds so fucking crazy, or maybe it's all the trannies on Jerry Springer that I saw when I was twelve, or maybe it's how when my mother explained about my gay uncle emphasizing that he doesn't want to be a girl, how I gathered that being a boy wanting to be a girl wasn't natural or good. Oh well, enough griping about that. Anyway I've been watching Les and Leith on Trannystargalactica, and it's a real shame the Leith (riftgirl) closed her youtube account. Hearing her say stuff like "Who wouldn't want to work with a tranny," and just the juxtoposition between her and the tranny stereotype makes me almost comfortable with the fact that I am a transsexual.
I don't know. This Halloween was the night before I moved out of my apartment and back into my parents (temporarily) so I didn't really dress up. I had been planning to go out en femme, but circumstances and what not...anyway my friend at the bar I frequent dressed up as a tranny. He wore super short shorts, roller skates, tied his shirt in a knot and wore lots of really bad make-up. It wasn't a bad costume, but it does kinda say something. I mean no one would ever wear black face today, or even dress up like a "fag," or "dyke." Dressing like a tranny for halloween is perfectly acceptable. And even as long as I've been contemplating changing my sex, and thinking about how I will do it, it's like I don't want to be a "tranny."
Wierdly enough I actually like the phrase tranny. I think it could be really empowering. I mean like how queer went from being a derogatory to being a term of pride. When someone who is a trans person but so obviously not the derogatory stereotype tranny uses the term in reference to themselves it really robs the derogatory of power.
Which here I am at 27, still battling this internal transphobia. Imagine what my life could have been like had I transitioned when I was 13, or if I didn't have to worry about social stigma by transitioning now, or if it had never occurred to me to be ashamed of being a tranny.
Having said that, I have had alot of great experiences by not having transitioned when I was 13, and I wouldn't go back and relive my life, and to tell you the truth alot of my friends were coming out of the closet as lesbian about the same time I first started coming out of the closet as trans. I guess queer attracts queer, even when in denial. Weirdly I don't have many gay friends, but then again I don't really have that male identity, that's something else anyway.
Now I'm moving into an apartment on Feb 1, so I think I'm going to wait until then to tell my parents, maybe feb 2 I'll send them an email. I don't think they won't be supportive, but I'm really dreading that moment of them knowing, and I just imagine them thinking about the weirdness of it all. I should be telling myself that for a person with a female brain to want to be female isn't really a weird thing and I am almost there. But I also know that I kinda want room to explore this away from my parents, and that I want them to read a few books I'm going to reccomend, and watch few youtube channels I point them to, and maybe even a movie or two before we have that awkard conversation.
Well once again I'm gonna end this thing. Even though I don't think anyone reads it. Maybe they do.
I don't know. This Halloween was the night before I moved out of my apartment and back into my parents (temporarily) so I didn't really dress up. I had been planning to go out en femme, but circumstances and what not...anyway my friend at the bar I frequent dressed up as a tranny. He wore super short shorts, roller skates, tied his shirt in a knot and wore lots of really bad make-up. It wasn't a bad costume, but it does kinda say something. I mean no one would ever wear black face today, or even dress up like a "fag," or "dyke." Dressing like a tranny for halloween is perfectly acceptable. And even as long as I've been contemplating changing my sex, and thinking about how I will do it, it's like I don't want to be a "tranny."
Wierdly enough I actually like the phrase tranny. I think it could be really empowering. I mean like how queer went from being a derogatory to being a term of pride. When someone who is a trans person but so obviously not the derogatory stereotype tranny uses the term in reference to themselves it really robs the derogatory of power.
Which here I am at 27, still battling this internal transphobia. Imagine what my life could have been like had I transitioned when I was 13, or if I didn't have to worry about social stigma by transitioning now, or if it had never occurred to me to be ashamed of being a tranny.
Having said that, I have had alot of great experiences by not having transitioned when I was 13, and I wouldn't go back and relive my life, and to tell you the truth alot of my friends were coming out of the closet as lesbian about the same time I first started coming out of the closet as trans. I guess queer attracts queer, even when in denial. Weirdly I don't have many gay friends, but then again I don't really have that male identity, that's something else anyway.
Now I'm moving into an apartment on Feb 1, so I think I'm going to wait until then to tell my parents, maybe feb 2 I'll send them an email. I don't think they won't be supportive, but I'm really dreading that moment of them knowing, and I just imagine them thinking about the weirdness of it all. I should be telling myself that for a person with a female brain to want to be female isn't really a weird thing and I am almost there. But I also know that I kinda want room to explore this away from my parents, and that I want them to read a few books I'm going to reccomend, and watch few youtube channels I point them to, and maybe even a movie or two before we have that awkard conversation.
Well once again I'm gonna end this thing. Even though I don't think anyone reads it. Maybe they do.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Summer of '08
Okay, so I just wrote another letter to one of the vloggers I follow on youtube. I swear youtube is so great for me. I mean seeing women (and men) who transitioned and are so completely different from the people on Jerry Springer that first had me thinking about transitioning. Anyway before I get to off subject. I spent some time in Indiana during the first part of '08 and moved back to Richmond that June. When I first moved back I had no apt or place to stay and all my stuff was packed into my uhaul so I went like three days wearing the same clothing and it got to a point where I felt absolutely discusting so I went to fan thrift to buy a pair of jeans and a t-shirt just to have something clean to wear.
I remember standing in the men's section on Fan Thrift trying to pick out a pair of jeans that I knew I wasn't going to like, and I was thinking to myself; "Women's jeans are so much more comfortable, I like the way they fit better, I like the way they look better, and no one will notice anyway," and I just couldn't bring myself to buy another pair of men's jeans. I haven't since. Anyway maybe that was my breaking point.
I felt so much better about myself wearing those jeans (even though they were two sizes two big) that I really started thinking about transitioning. Or rather what I seem to do is start to obsess about how I'd like to have just a little more feminine figure, thenhow I want to have female figure, and I start really wanting to get on hormones, and I think to myself that maybe I could hide it, that I would just feel so much better about myself if I had a female body even if no one else knew. But that summer I actually really started thinking about transitioning, and I guess it became a possibility. I don't know.
So I came out to most of my friends and saw a therapist for two sessions, before I backed off. It was too much to deal with at the time, and I had to find out about a relationship. But I never really totally backed off it this time. I mean I continued to buy make-up. I took herbal hormones for a few months then switched to estrogen for a month, then stopped, because well for one; I actually did want to be safe about it, I had been seeing that therapist because I wanted to have doctor supervision over hormones etc. and I also didn't want to be a man with a wierd body. I kept dressing.
I don't know. Seeing the vloggers on youtube gives me a lot of hope, but it is such an undertaking. Of course I kinda feel like as a man I really have nothing left to really do. I know that's absurd. I'm only 27. But I feel like I just can't build on this male life, I mean if I'm thinking that I'm not going to transition I just want space. I don't really want to work on anything, and I feel really tired. When I'm thinking that I am going to transition I start thinking about going to grad school and doing stuff and... Anyway I'm gonna stop for now.
I remember standing in the men's section on Fan Thrift trying to pick out a pair of jeans that I knew I wasn't going to like, and I was thinking to myself; "Women's jeans are so much more comfortable, I like the way they fit better, I like the way they look better, and no one will notice anyway," and I just couldn't bring myself to buy another pair of men's jeans. I haven't since. Anyway maybe that was my breaking point.
I felt so much better about myself wearing those jeans (even though they were two sizes two big) that I really started thinking about transitioning. Or rather what I seem to do is start to obsess about how I'd like to have just a little more feminine figure, thenhow I want to have female figure, and I start really wanting to get on hormones, and I think to myself that maybe I could hide it, that I would just feel so much better about myself if I had a female body even if no one else knew. But that summer I actually really started thinking about transitioning, and I guess it became a possibility. I don't know.
So I came out to most of my friends and saw a therapist for two sessions, before I backed off. It was too much to deal with at the time, and I had to find out about a relationship. But I never really totally backed off it this time. I mean I continued to buy make-up. I took herbal hormones for a few months then switched to estrogen for a month, then stopped, because well for one; I actually did want to be safe about it, I had been seeing that therapist because I wanted to have doctor supervision over hormones etc. and I also didn't want to be a man with a wierd body. I kept dressing.
I don't know. Seeing the vloggers on youtube gives me a lot of hope, but it is such an undertaking. Of course I kinda feel like as a man I really have nothing left to really do. I know that's absurd. I'm only 27. But I feel like I just can't build on this male life, I mean if I'm thinking that I'm not going to transition I just want space. I don't really want to work on anything, and I feel really tired. When I'm thinking that I am going to transition I start thinking about going to grad school and doing stuff and... Anyway I'm gonna stop for now.
So this thing doesn't count blog hits like myspace did, of course I deleted my myspace account. After writing about a month of "I'm going to change my sex," then changing my mind it was a little embarrassing to keep the account. Although I did keep facebook, I decided that my friends were too important, and had been too understanding to leave in the past just because of a ligitimate struggle of mine that I wasn't ready to deal with. Anyway enough about that. I'm not really being clear am I?
So I've been thinking: I've come like really close to transistioning several times in my life, and to the point of taking hormones that I bought online twice, and I've turned back, and I've always justified it by looking at aspects of my life that I really like. Like I like the way I interact at work, I like the way I am respected at work, I like the way I am at the bar I'm a regular at, and it dawned on me that it isn't just fear holding me back. There will be aspects of my life that I will have to say goodbye to, parts of myself that will die, so to speak. Which leads me to a new train of thought; In some respects transitioning would be something I would be doing totally for myself, on the other hand I would be dying to myself, which is pretty close to what most major religions teach. Maybe that is why transgendered people were considered sacred in most societies.
I want to pursue transition because I think I would have a more honest presentation. I mean I reached a point where I can't bring myself to wear men's clothing where it won't be noticed; meaning I wear mostly women's clothing, shoes, socks, pants, underwear, gloves, hats, and sometimes jackets, and I still present as a straight man. Of course I'm clinging to this persona that as false as it feels sometimes, there are some real qualities about my male self that I honestly like. I found other transgendered people on the internet when I was rather young, and I was kinda able to create a male persona for myself that is pretty close to my ideal male; in some regards. I mean very few people are more fun to hang out at a bar with, and I am really great to work with in a kitchen, and I host a great party. So to become a better, or more real person (like I think I would were I to transition) I kind of have to kill a person that I kind of like.
It reminds me of the elves in the Lord of the Rings. Yeah I'm gonna get geeky here. The three rings the elves had were good, but the one ring could not be destroyed without destroying the three rings. So Sauron could not be destroyed without destroying the world the elves had built using the three rings. I've always known about my transgenderism, and I think I've always known that at some point in my life I would have to transition, and I still worked hard on my male self and created a person that I rather like, and now for something better he is going to have to die. How the religious community looks down on the trangendered experience I can't possible understand.
Another thing is that as much as I think about gender - which I do to a very unhealthy extent, but I think that comes with being an untransitioned trans person - It isn't a primary identity. I mean I want to transition because being male feels like being stuck in a really confining box. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way, but it seems to me that transitioning would just open so many doors for me. I would feel so free to be myself, and I wouldn't have so many rules to follow all the time. Anyone ever read Self Made Man by Norah Vincent? She - for me - seems to nail the whole male experience pretty well. I don't know, whatever.
Well I'm going to try to keep the attitude that I don't know if transition is right for me. I can see that that is the direction I am heading in, and hell I want to be full time before I turn 30, but if I look at this whole thing as just transition I'm going to get scared and not deal with these very real emotions that I am having. It is very easy to find a new bar, and new people and just be one of the guys. It is very hard to be vulnerable in the way transition would make me. Anyway I guess I've written enough for now. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I might write more later tonight if I have something to say.
So I've been thinking: I've come like really close to transistioning several times in my life, and to the point of taking hormones that I bought online twice, and I've turned back, and I've always justified it by looking at aspects of my life that I really like. Like I like the way I interact at work, I like the way I am respected at work, I like the way I am at the bar I'm a regular at, and it dawned on me that it isn't just fear holding me back. There will be aspects of my life that I will have to say goodbye to, parts of myself that will die, so to speak. Which leads me to a new train of thought; In some respects transitioning would be something I would be doing totally for myself, on the other hand I would be dying to myself, which is pretty close to what most major religions teach. Maybe that is why transgendered people were considered sacred in most societies.
I want to pursue transition because I think I would have a more honest presentation. I mean I reached a point where I can't bring myself to wear men's clothing where it won't be noticed; meaning I wear mostly women's clothing, shoes, socks, pants, underwear, gloves, hats, and sometimes jackets, and I still present as a straight man. Of course I'm clinging to this persona that as false as it feels sometimes, there are some real qualities about my male self that I honestly like. I found other transgendered people on the internet when I was rather young, and I was kinda able to create a male persona for myself that is pretty close to my ideal male; in some regards. I mean very few people are more fun to hang out at a bar with, and I am really great to work with in a kitchen, and I host a great party. So to become a better, or more real person (like I think I would were I to transition) I kind of have to kill a person that I kind of like.
It reminds me of the elves in the Lord of the Rings. Yeah I'm gonna get geeky here. The three rings the elves had were good, but the one ring could not be destroyed without destroying the three rings. So Sauron could not be destroyed without destroying the world the elves had built using the three rings. I've always known about my transgenderism, and I think I've always known that at some point in my life I would have to transition, and I still worked hard on my male self and created a person that I rather like, and now for something better he is going to have to die. How the religious community looks down on the trangendered experience I can't possible understand.
Another thing is that as much as I think about gender - which I do to a very unhealthy extent, but I think that comes with being an untransitioned trans person - It isn't a primary identity. I mean I want to transition because being male feels like being stuck in a really confining box. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way, but it seems to me that transitioning would just open so many doors for me. I would feel so free to be myself, and I wouldn't have so many rules to follow all the time. Anyone ever read Self Made Man by Norah Vincent? She - for me - seems to nail the whole male experience pretty well. I don't know, whatever.
Well I'm going to try to keep the attitude that I don't know if transition is right for me. I can see that that is the direction I am heading in, and hell I want to be full time before I turn 30, but if I look at this whole thing as just transition I'm going to get scared and not deal with these very real emotions that I am having. It is very easy to find a new bar, and new people and just be one of the guys. It is very hard to be vulnerable in the way transition would make me. Anyway I guess I've written enough for now. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I might write more later tonight if I have something to say.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Introduction
Okay so a little about me. I'm 27. I'm trans. I'm just a little bit frightened about this and writing this to try and figure myself out. So this isn't anything new; I wanted to be a girl when I was just a little kid, since I was thirteen I've been following trans people on the internet and for a number of years now I absolutely have not been able to deny to myself that I am trans. The thing is I haven't been sure about how far I wanted to take that; I'm still not, but I suspect that transitioning is in my near future, and that I'm holding back because I am honestly scared as hell of going down this route.
Okay well I can get into that a little more later. I guess I'm writing this blog because I used to write one, until I came out in it decided to retreat and got a little embarrassed and erased it. Oh well, it turns out people are relatively willing to pretend that such a thing never happened like me telling all my friends that I was about to change my sex, even with me not specifically denying any such feelings. So I am kinda out, and I am kinda not, and it's a new year and I have a few goals; I want to bring Natalie into my life more. I mean I already spend a good deal of time at home dressed, but dressing is not enough and it's kinda satisfying but not at all if that makes any sense. It's like my disphoria is not about clothing but about how others perceive me. Like it feels nice to look in a mirror and see someone more like what I kinda expect to see but then again when I am alone I'm usually not looking at myself in a mirror and I feel like myself regardless of how I am dressed. Though I do dress because I feel like I have to do something, and even if it isn't satisfying...it's something.
Now I moved back home with my parents at the beginning of November, and was dumped by my sort of kind of girlfriend. I'll be moving into an apartment beginning of Feb. But I guess I'll talk about that briefly. My last place I lived alone and was able to dress when I felt like it. I'm not out to my parents and though I kinda think they suspect something, I'm not ready to be out to them. I need to get a little more comfortable with myself; hence this blog. So when I moved back home I started watching alot of videos by trans people. Well first it was hormone effects, but that quickly turned into transition vlogs. And I guess it is just that they all are so normal. I mean I've been so scared of being trans and of being this something I can't exactly describe. And what I was scared of seeing is not what I do see in transsexual people. So seeing this like I really want to have some trans friends.
I guess the other thing I should mention about my "ex" is that we've had a very long history together. I came out to her when I was 13, and several times after that, and finally summer '07 we had a pretty long talk on the phone about it of which afterwards she said that she thought transition really was a good thing for me. We hadn't been talking for a while but after that talk we started talking again and her feelings started to change and backed out of transitioning because I had to see about a relationship with her. If we didn't have such a history I don't know if I would have done that. Ultimately I think she was only ever attracted to me because I am trans. She is going through issues of her own (not trans) and is a part of that group exodus international (which I strongly disagree with) and lives in DC. I think that even though no one would say I come across as gay, a certian femininity does come across with me. For one only bisexual women have ever found me attractive, or rather I've only ever had chemistry with bisexual women. Also before I backed out of transitioning a few of my friends told me that my being trans actually really made since. Several years ago when I was having a rather severe dysphoria related inner struggle I "came out" as gay thinking it would relieve it. And everyone was supportive but they were all like I never really saw this in you, and honeslty I didn't either because I just couldn't be that identity. Anyway that's that.
I think right now I want to start seeing a therapist, start going out as Natalie and introduce my friends to her, and I want some trans friends. All of those are going to be big steps for me, though I have gone out as Natalie before, of course it was 7 years ago now. So I would like to say this is going to be a blog documenting my transition, but I'm not sure that it will be. I do know that I absolutely need to explore and get to know my feminine self. It's there and is not going anywhere and if I ever want to have any close relationships I need to be comfortable and open with it. I mean as it is I feel like Natalie is my true self and I keep her hidden, and that my masculine persona just has no substance, and that after a short time in any type of relationship I run out of room with my masculine persona. Make any sense? Anyway I hope some people read this and give me encouragement. I want to start going out in Feb, and I would like to go to a jrts meeting, but it is really scary, and one thing I can say about my masculine persona is that he is very popular, and it's like Natalie doesn't know anyone. So anyway I guess I've written enough for today.
Okay well I can get into that a little more later. I guess I'm writing this blog because I used to write one, until I came out in it decided to retreat and got a little embarrassed and erased it. Oh well, it turns out people are relatively willing to pretend that such a thing never happened like me telling all my friends that I was about to change my sex, even with me not specifically denying any such feelings. So I am kinda out, and I am kinda not, and it's a new year and I have a few goals; I want to bring Natalie into my life more. I mean I already spend a good deal of time at home dressed, but dressing is not enough and it's kinda satisfying but not at all if that makes any sense. It's like my disphoria is not about clothing but about how others perceive me. Like it feels nice to look in a mirror and see someone more like what I kinda expect to see but then again when I am alone I'm usually not looking at myself in a mirror and I feel like myself regardless of how I am dressed. Though I do dress because I feel like I have to do something, and even if it isn't satisfying...it's something.
Now I moved back home with my parents at the beginning of November, and was dumped by my sort of kind of girlfriend. I'll be moving into an apartment beginning of Feb. But I guess I'll talk about that briefly. My last place I lived alone and was able to dress when I felt like it. I'm not out to my parents and though I kinda think they suspect something, I'm not ready to be out to them. I need to get a little more comfortable with myself; hence this blog. So when I moved back home I started watching alot of videos by trans people. Well first it was hormone effects, but that quickly turned into transition vlogs. And I guess it is just that they all are so normal. I mean I've been so scared of being trans and of being this something I can't exactly describe. And what I was scared of seeing is not what I do see in transsexual people. So seeing this like I really want to have some trans friends.
I guess the other thing I should mention about my "ex" is that we've had a very long history together. I came out to her when I was 13, and several times after that, and finally summer '07 we had a pretty long talk on the phone about it of which afterwards she said that she thought transition really was a good thing for me. We hadn't been talking for a while but after that talk we started talking again and her feelings started to change and backed out of transitioning because I had to see about a relationship with her. If we didn't have such a history I don't know if I would have done that. Ultimately I think she was only ever attracted to me because I am trans. She is going through issues of her own (not trans) and is a part of that group exodus international (which I strongly disagree with) and lives in DC. I think that even though no one would say I come across as gay, a certian femininity does come across with me. For one only bisexual women have ever found me attractive, or rather I've only ever had chemistry with bisexual women. Also before I backed out of transitioning a few of my friends told me that my being trans actually really made since. Several years ago when I was having a rather severe dysphoria related inner struggle I "came out" as gay thinking it would relieve it. And everyone was supportive but they were all like I never really saw this in you, and honeslty I didn't either because I just couldn't be that identity. Anyway that's that.
I think right now I want to start seeing a therapist, start going out as Natalie and introduce my friends to her, and I want some trans friends. All of those are going to be big steps for me, though I have gone out as Natalie before, of course it was 7 years ago now. So I would like to say this is going to be a blog documenting my transition, but I'm not sure that it will be. I do know that I absolutely need to explore and get to know my feminine self. It's there and is not going anywhere and if I ever want to have any close relationships I need to be comfortable and open with it. I mean as it is I feel like Natalie is my true self and I keep her hidden, and that my masculine persona just has no substance, and that after a short time in any type of relationship I run out of room with my masculine persona. Make any sense? Anyway I hope some people read this and give me encouragement. I want to start going out in Feb, and I would like to go to a jrts meeting, but it is really scary, and one thing I can say about my masculine persona is that he is very popular, and it's like Natalie doesn't know anyone. So anyway I guess I've written enough for today.
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