Rejected by a love interest, body issues, a link to the blog my interview will appear in

So I have to write something because I can't keep anything in. As quiet and reserved as I am, I'm actually a shy extrovert. If I'm thinking something I just have to get it out. Sometimes I manage to hold it in for a while, but not for too long.

So, I just got rejected by a girl I liked. I got the same line I've always gotten: "I love you as a friend, but I'm not interested in a relationship with you." Actually, I'm not that upset about it this time. She didn't lead me on like the last person, and there were other things that made me think a relationship with her would never work. Actually, I never would have said anything to her (despite what I wrote above, which is true) except without telling her I was in love with her I seemed like a crazy person.

Here's the other thing: She texted me last night to tell me we needed to have a talk: never good. It occurred to me that possibly my body is the reason why she would never want to date me, so I texted her back. I asked her not to tell me that. I told her I hate my body more than I could ever describe, and that I can't do anything about it but wait and hope I get my surgery before I can't stand it anymore. I said I understood if that is how she felt, that I have the same holdups about dating trans* women, but that I couldn't stand to hear it, and that I never would have come on to her anyway because I could never bear to be rejected because of that.

Actually, I wasn't being over dramatic. If you aren't trans* you probably can't understand, but it's why Gender Confirmation Surgery is life or death. When I say I have body issues I'm not kidding.

As far as my surgery goes. I don't know how much chance I have of actually getting the funds for it. But I'm running out of time. I absolutely, truly believe that untreated gender dysphoria is fatal.

So I'm very thankful that if my body is the reason she isn't interested in a relationship with me she didn't tell me. Honestly, I live by trying to think of anything other than what is between my legs.

But, I tried that before. Before I transitioned I tried to think of anything other than my need to transition. I tried everything I could not to be trans* but eventually it just became so consuming that I couldn't think of anything else. And then I came out of the closet and transitioned. I don't have that option with surgery, and it scares me. Everyday I think about it just a little more than the day before, everyday it's just a little harder not to think about, and everyday is just one day closer to the day when having the wrong body just hurts to much.

I'm going to make an impact before I go down though. And god I hope I get my surgery before that day comes.

Also, I really need someone to come along who really appreciates what I do have. And I'm not talking a tranny chaser or someone who is attracted to me because I am trans*. Having someone want me because of that thing between my legs is almost as bad as being rejected because of it. The difference is that usually tranny chasers are just creepy people who don't know me at all. Me, I have a really hard time being attracted to someone until I get to know them at least a little, so being rejected because of it would be worse.

Honestly, it isn't something I chance anymore. It happened to me once. A girl came up to me at Barcode and bought me a drink. We talked for a while. She seemed nice. I brought her home with me. We talked for a little more. I brought up something about being trans just to make sure she knew and she bolted. I'd made dinner, she didn't even finish it.

Oh well. At least she wasn't a friend. And if I knew that's what a friend thought of me could I ever look at her the same way again?

So I was let down easy, from something I never had much hope of working anyway. So I don't feel that bad about it.

I still need space and time.

Our friendship has been different than most of my other friendships. It's felt closer. I don't do close friendships, not really. I have a very small inner circle of people I trust, who have been there for me when I needed them. I really care about them, but I think appreciate is probably a more descriptive word about what I feel friendship is not love. I hate phrasing it that way because it sounds so cold, but I think that friends are people who aren't obligated to be there when it gets rough...fair weather friends, but I think that is what friendship is. It's the people who are there when it gets rough who comprise my inner circle... IDK, weirdly I'm much more selective about my inner circle than who I fall in love with. I fall in love with people because of a combination of looks, intelligence, and how much I enjoy being around someone. My inner circle are people I know will always be there and that takes a long time to figure out. Of course, when I do fall in love I usually let that person (sort of) in my inner circle (for a while).

IDK. It's all complicated.

I've dated more people as a girl than I did as a guy, and I've been in love with more people as a girl than as a guy. I've never dated someone I was in love with, or fallen in love with anyone I've dated. My last girlfriend (I strongly suspect) was interested in me as something exciting and different, when she found out I wasn't it ended quickly. The last time we slept together was closer to what I wanted, but I don't think she was interested in that.

I keep my friends kinda distant. I'm not comfortable being really close to more than one person. You know? There's a side of me that I really need to share with someone, but it's more intimate, less guarded, less aloof, and more affectionate. But I'm not comfortable sharing it with friends, I share it to small degrees with people I think I might be more than friends someday. Or to be honest...I once had a girlfriend who told me repeatedly she could never love me...a little sad, but I respect her for it, and for a while I was able to share a part of me I can't share with other people.

Or hell, for that matter, beyond just this part of my personality, I have amazing boobs that I really really love, my skin is smooth, and I'm soft in all the right places.

My penis...well that's not a part of me. I'm supposed to learn to think of it as a clit. But I just can't wrap my head around that.

And...whatever they say about testosterone being the hormone that makes us horny, I think a lot more about sex now that I've blocked all that and take estrogen. OH MY GOD! Do I think a lot more about sex. I don't think I ever really thought about it much before transitioning. I mean, not the same way, in a much more detached way. Like having sex with my girlfriend was all about her body, I tried not to think about mine as much as possible, or it was about fantasies of having a female body. I now, for the most part, have that body...talk about sexual frustration. It was easier not to think about sex when I hated my entire body not just one part between my legs.

Of course here I am being super fucking open. Especially when today I was interviewed by Monika Kowalska for her blog The Heroines of My Life, and I'm already seeing increased traffic.You should definitely check out that interview. I think it went well. Oh well, this wasn't nearly as open as the last post I wrote, which I'm very thankful I had a friend read over and tell me not to publish it. Also I was pretty fucking open in my book Straight Boy/ Queer Girl: a memoir.

Virginia TIES, Our need for a trans*feminist movement

I went to the Equality Virginia sponsored transgender conference, Virginia TIES. So I guess I should write about that a little bit.

Okay, since you probably want to know what TIES stands for: Transgender Information and Empowerment Summit.

I have to say I enjoyed it. Registration was at 9 in the morning and I work late so that was rough. I went saw the opening remarks, talked to a lady about Affordable Care Act insurance, and then went home and took a nap. The morning seminars were about surgical techniques, and passing.

Let me just say that I find it a little offensive that there were seminars on passing. I'm not faulting Equality Virginia on this though, I went to a seminar they held this summer asking trans people to create videos (here's mine: I AM: Transgender Virginia Speaks) and they talked to us about the upcoming TIES. Apparently an awful lot of trans people in Virginia gave them feedback that they really wanted a seminar on passing.

So the one for women was called The ABCs of Passing: Appearing More Feminine. (This is where I have to take a break to say that I have passing privilege. I think it's sexist and demeaning to have a seminar devoted to teaching how to act and appear more feminine, but I'm saying that from the perspective of someone who passes very well. Regardless) I think we as trans people really need a trans*feminist movement.

Here's what I mean by that: We, particularly trans women need to stand up and say that it doesn't matter how we express our gender--whether or not we know how to wear makeup, how often or even if we do our nails, whether we can walk in heels, pick out a feminine outfit, wear skirts, pantyhose, dresses, do our hair right, or bat our eyes. We need to stop policing gender--I did not transition to be "a woman." I transitioned to be myself--We, as trans women, need to have our own feminist movement, as in there is no right or wrong way to be a trans*woman. Having, insisting on having, seminars on passing is only reinforcing the idea that some of us are doing a better job at being women than others.

There's a support group in Richmond that I don't care for. I think it's because I come from reading the writings of Kate Bornstein, and other radical trans theory, and that group is almost more about just dealing with being "new women."

This trans feminist movement that we need, needs to be almost post gender. I know that for those of us who are trans it is hard not to think about gender, but really: I identify as a woman let's get beyond that and really start thinking about things.

We need trans equality, and we're not going to get there through classes on passing. As long as passing is our focus we'll always (and somewhat rightly) be seen as trying to reinforce a sexist system that we have in place.

And I'm saying this as a femme, who likes wearing dresses and makeup (sometimes).

I didn't attend the ABCs of Passing. I did thoroughly enjoy the afternoon seminars of gender queer. I'll talk about that a little more in another entry. Actually, I'm thinking of blogging for the Huffington Post (or submitting a proposal).

To change the subject: I don't think that I have no chance with this girl I like. I think there's a chance. I'm just writing that because I really believe that writing something down sends a message to the universe and creates reality. So I'm putting it out there. I'm also going to say this: I had a close friendship with another girl I really loved once and I never appreciated it because I always wanted more. And then she left and we rarely talk anymore. I'm not going to let that happen a second time. It's really rare that I find someone I feel like I connect with on so many levels, that even if friendship is all we'll ever have, I'm not going to give that up. So regardless of how hard it might be for me, I'm going to be a friend.

Oh and another change of subject. I'm going to be interviewed for a blog, The Heroines of my Life. She's going to be asking about my book and other things. I'm rather excited about it actually. And of course I hope it drives up sales for Straight Boy/Queer Girl: a memoir.

Pride weekend in Virginia, an interesting memory from childhood, doing writer stuff, Stuffing at the Golden Corral, and relieved to be done with my book

My book Straight Boy/Queer Girl: a memoir. It's actually #13 in the kindle category Biographies and Memoirs>Specific Groups>Gay & Lesbian! so that's something to be proud of. The sales are still coming in slow. 

Honestly, I think it's an important book to get out there. I think the story needed to be told. So please everyone check it out. 

Also, check out my author page on amazon: Natalie Gates. It has links to my blog posts, my biography, and a link to my twitter account. Yes, I sold out and finally have a twitter. 

Other things going on in my life right now: 

1. It's pride weekend in Virginia. That means I'm going to be super super busy at work, and no I am not going to Pride again this year. I don't really know many of the performers, so I can't say with certainty that none of them are particularly of interest to me as a trans person.

Okay, so I'm also a lesbian. 

The thing is, growing up the fact that I was attracted to women was not what made people whisper about me behind my back, and it isn't something I've fought, and eventually come to accept. I like women and I always have and I think also after having come out as a transsexual it kind of trumps anything about my sexuality anyway.

You know what I mean? I'm the queer one in a group of queer people. Who honestly gives a shit whether I like men or women.

But I guess that's it. I guess that's why I really think more effort should be given to include trans people in Virginia Pride, (which maybe they have and I just don't know the performers, and there is a reading group for trans children--a small token). But oh well. 

2. Just a small thing, but interesting. I was talking to this trans guy friend of mine and he told me how in kindergarten he lined up in the boys' line and had to be corrected by the teacher. I remember doing the same thing (in the girls' line, of course). I didn't even think about it. 

It's weird though (and I think it comes across in my book) for me anyway, it wasn't that I didn't know I was a boy but it's that I really just didn't understand gender (not the same as my classmates). I was going to grow up to be a woman because, well, why wouldn't I. It was just a bunch of little things: 

"You can't be pretty, you can be handsome. You can't be a princess but you can be a prince."

Who the hell wants to be a handsome prince! Talk about boring. Jeez!

3. I'm going to hang out with my friend Nikki and do writer stuff this afternoon. You should remember her name. We're going to be famous authors together; she had a dream about it.

She has a blog also. (I think that's one of the things we talked about when we first met.) anyway you should check it out: Hummuscidalmaniac.

She's really funny, and writes a lot of good vegan recipes.

4. I was craving stuffing, and roast poultry this morning (afternoon). So I went to the Golden Corral on Midlothian. 

I don't know if I wrote about the time a waitress refused to serve me at the one on Gaskins. She totally ignored me, talked to every table seated near me and refused to even look at me. I complained to the corporate office and got a phone call from the manager. I described myself as "LGBT" which he had to look up because he'd never heard of it. 

Kinda makes you think doesn't it. It hadn't occurred to me that there were still people who didn't know what LGBT was. 

Also, you know, I didn't describe myself as trans when I complained. And I'm not sure why, except more and more I just don't want strangers to know.

5. About the book again, Straight Boy/Queer Girl (and I know I'm shamelessy plugging it): I am so glad I'm finished with it. Especially the past couple months working on it basically full-time, as in eight (plus) hours a day five days a week, it really affected my mood. My mood just lifted when I published it and didn't have to think about it anymore, or not so intensely. 

I think I have PTSD related to my life before transition. I seriously do. And really, talk about a traumatic event: living in the wrong gender. But I feel like my old self again, or rather my new self, or I don't know.

Prior to transitioning I was depressed and irritable all the time, but since transitioning I'm basically a happy person. No, I was never Eeyore. I did my best to smile and laugh and tell jokes, but sincere happiness...I don't think I knew that before I transitioned. And this book really put me back in that place, at least partially anyway. Like I even had a couple dreams that I hadn't transitioned, and OMG! I just can't imagine.

Anyway, it's over and done and I'm glad it is and I deserve to make a lot of money with it. I'm back to waking up in the morning seeing my breasts and feeling my fleshy thighs and ass and soft skin and just everything the past four years taking estrogen has done and just before I can even really stop myself, saying; "Oh, thank God! Thank God! It's over! Thank God!" 

If you haven't lived it, having your body develop all wrong is one of the most horrible things to ever have to experience. 

Finally finished my memoir! Updates of what's been happening

Well, I haven't written an entry in a long time. Since April I've been working full time on my memoir. I've actually been writing it since July Fourth weekend 2012. Anyway, I've finished it and the kindle version is on sale here http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NMXL3OE. Sales haven't been great so far, but I have high hopes. It's really the book I wanted to write, and I think I wrote it well.

Actually, it was interesting reading it for the first time on my kindle app on my phone. I was able to read it as a book not as a manuscript and it really is a page turner. I lived it and I still found it hard to put down because I wanted to know what happened next.

Writing it, I thought of it as the story of a very tumultuous lesbian friendship/romance, and I think at it's core that's what it is, but it's also the story of how someone finally comes to the realization that they need to transition, and all the factors that influence that realization.

It also is to a certain extent my answer to the TERFs who consider me (and always will consider me) to be a delusional straight man.

Okay, if I'm a straight man I have to be the most fabulous straight guy ever.

So I called the book Straight Boy/Queer Girl and I think it's going to go over really well if I can just get people to read it.

Can you tell I'm excited about it? Sorry for the sales pitch, but seriously you should go out and buy it for your kindle, smartphone, tablet, or computer.

Anyway, in other news:

That trans guy I was crushing on a couple years ago and wrote about a bit was in Babe's the other night. We're still friends. It's weird though how much body chemistry and sexual attraction really influence my opinion of someone. The first time I saw him after he started T, I really just wasn't attracted to him anymore.

And this comes from someone trans, who always thought of him as a guy and who really had some serious questions about her own sexuality because I was so attracted to him.

Anyway, I'm not anymore, so I guess my second puberty ended like my first. I'm not into dudes, even though it all got really confusing for a while.

It's interesting to know that about myself. I mean really who else can be like "well I'm a lesbian but when I'm in puberty I'm a little more bisexual." Which is also really weird to think, because since my identity has kinda leveled out again (post-second adolescence) I really really find male bodies gross.

I see these shirtless men on facebook (especially if they have muscles or hair) and I'm just like "Ewwww no one wants to see that."

But anyway, I'm digressing a little. There is someone I've been interested in. Quite a bit actually, but I don't think I have much of a chance  and I think I'm ready to move on.

It's a shame though. She's this girl I was so attracted to when I used to see her and then all of a sudden last fall we became good friends. Like really good friends, and I'm like Holy Shit! This person I'm really attracted to is really awesome and fun to hang out with and likes spending time with me.

Well she's basically dating her roommate/ex, and she's never in town, and I get the impression that if I ever had any chance with her at all I don't anymore.

But here's the thing, I already destroyed one really good friendship because I couldn't appreciate what I already had (wrote a book about that).

Which is pretty much what always happens.

I'm not in a terrible mood though. I rewrote my OkayCupid profile essay, and here's something I know you'll find interesting, my hormone levels have been increased. I'm starting to bust out of my D cups...ehhh.

Ohhhh! and what did I call him? Jayson the flamer? Well he showed up at Babe's a couple of weeks also. Apparently he's married. What!? Him!? That flaky piece of shit can find someone willing to marry him and I can't find anyone willing to date me? Anyway he tried to talk to me like he always does, and I ignored him like I always do, but at least he wasn't as pushy. And from what the bartender told me, he says he's clean.

Well sorry this isn't my best entry ever, but now that I'm done with my first book, I'll pay more attention to this blog. I'll have another entry to write soon.

 

Gender Dysphoria Blues

 It's been a while since I've posted an update. I know. I have about 60 pages left in my second draft of my first novel, though I've put that down for the past few weeks. I'm in a really difficult section to write but a very important section to the overall story.

Not difficult as in emotionally draining, (as you would expect with a novel that is basically a memoir of my life before transitioning) but difficult as in not much actually happened in this section that I'm writing about right now, but it's very important to the process that allowed me to transition.

I've also held a TG Prom at the Gay Community Center, which was a huge success and a great thing for a lot of people but didn't raise the revenue I had hoped for. That was one week ago now, and I've been digging myself out of the worst depressions I've had since transitioning.

Okay, I realistically didn't expect that much more revenue than I brought in. Or at least not towards the end. I had a pretty good idea of how many people were showing up. I started planning this prom almost immediately after I found out I wasn't selected for the Jim Collins Foundation grant for the second year in a row because quite honestly the thought of one more year without my surgery is rather undbearable.

It still is.

Actually it's the thought that day after day year after year I am going to have to live with the anatomy that I have. It's knowing that every day this gender dysphoria becomes more intense. It's knowing that I am quickly approaching a time when it is just flat out too intense for me to bear any longer.

I'm pulling though though. And this is my attitude. I may very well reach a point where without having had the surgery I'm just going to have to end it, but I'm not going to get there without a fight and if I do get there I will have made one hell of an impact.

I thought I'd write today about Gender Dysphoria, not so much definitions for cis people, or an argument that I really am the gender I say I am, just the experience.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't have a “why?” Why do I “want” to be female? I have no idea. Honestly the only thing I can think of to explain it is that I want to be female because I am female. I hate this thing that is between my legs because it is not supposed to be there.

There's this attitude that these surgeries that many of us trans people need are optional. That's why I can't get health insurance that will cover this surgery. And how do I really explain myself.

I say “I am female” and so many people just can't understand. They say be paitient you'll get your surgery, or they say how courageous I am. And all of this is valid, but at the same time, for me it is this driving urge. Like there is no way to ignore it and I just feel it louder and louder.

Like before I transitioned I thought that maybe there was someway to live around it, to somehow carve out an identity for myself without transitioning but this urge to transition was so intense and became so much more intense that not satisfying it basically caused me to cease functioning.

I mean here I am. I've come a long way. I was able to experience life in my twenties as a woman. To say I live as a woman is inaccurate because I think I can truly say that I am a woman. There are the Kathy Brennens of the world who insist that I am and can never be anything other than a man, but understand that for me it is impossible for me to experience myself as anything other than female. I just am not capable that.

I cannot experience myself as cis-gendered. I can understand the concept that most people accept and are satisfied with the sex they were assigned at birth but I do not know what that feels like. I cannot imagine being male and being satisfied with it. I can't imagine why anyone would want to be male. It is something that is absolutely beyond my experience.

I guess to compare it to something else, I cannot imagine myself in a relationship with someone male. I'm not going to say that there haven't been times when I've been attracted to certain men, because I have, but try as I might I cannot know what it is like to sexually prefer men. I've never experienced it. It's something that I contemplate sometimes. I'll be out somewhere and see a group of straight girls and I just wonder to myself “what is that like?” It is just something completely foreign to me. Just something I can understand on an intellectual level and accept as a state of being but it just isn't something I can relate to.

This gender dysphoria thing...hurts. That's the only way I can really describe it. I have no more ability to imagine myself as man than any other woman. Even when I lived it I couldn't imagine it. It is a state of being that is beyond what I have experienced. It isn't desire. I need to be female. I don't know how to explain it except that it has to be biologically driven because there is nothing I can do or that can be done that has ever “cured” a transsexual other than gender confirmation.

And of course people who haven't experienced it don't know. I've gotten “well it isn't like you have a tumor or something, it isn't life threatening.” And I don't know how to respond. Gender dysphoria is this ever increasing discord that just builds and builds until it becomes intollerable. I mean, it's this discord that I have to stop, and that drove me to transition and drives me to have this Gender Confirmation Surgery.

Not my best entry I think, but it'll do.All 

Who I am...in a nutshell

Well recently I've really been thinking about how I really want a relationship. I haven't seemed to have much luck in this regard in the past so I think I'm actually going to write an entry about who I am and put it out there in the Universe...I'll see what comes back at me.

Okay, I am a femme, transsexual lesbian.

I get the impression sometimes that other lesbians don't really consider me to be one...even though in some ways (that I don't brag about) I'm almost comically a stereotype...like wearing out my Indigo Girls 10,000 Curfews cassette tape in one summer by listening to it on repeat so much.

I'm also a child of the 80's and 90's. Can you tell from my sentence above.

Of course I also don't play or watch sports, and I don't do drama, and I don't really watch a lot of lesbian movies.

I'm an Eagle Scout, and I am very proud of that, even if when I talk about it it really firmly establishes my non-female past.

I'm easy to become friends with but very difficult to get close to. I have been easily hurt in the past, and I very very cautious about being hurt again.

I genuinely love an awful lot of things, music, art, literature, TV shows, food, the changing seasons, road trips.....It isn't easy for me to share all that I love.

I am really, really conscious of other people's space. It isn't easy for me to make the first move...actually I have only ever been kissed, I've never kissed anyone...I can but I need clear permission.

I am not ashamed of my pre-op body, and I'll pose nude for paintings or photos or what not, and I do recognize the artistic beauty of a trans female body...but I don't like my penis. I don't want it to be touched and I don't want someone to see it who I'm intimate with, which makes physical intimacy a really hard thing for me.

Sex, isn't and never has been the most important thing to me.  I'm more interested in cuddling, and waking up next to someone and sitting around watching TV on a week night, and sharing something private and intimate with someone than I am interested in sex. But I also really want someone to make me feel desirable and attractive.

I'm really, really sweet, and even if I don't have a whole lot of close friends I genuinely care about an awful lot of people. It's hard for me to cry at funerals, or keep in touch with someone who lives out of town, but I don't ever forget people who have touched me, and never stop missing the people whom I've lost.

I can be a little aloof, but if you're willing to be patient with me you'll find that I'm actually very affectionate.

It doesn't take me weeks, or sometimes even months to tell someone that I love them, it usually takes me a lot longer. I used to be able to do this more quickly but I've gotten a lot of very negative reactions in my past...

I'm strong, I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet, I bore one hell of an emotional burden for a awful long time because I thought I had to. I expected to lose everyone I loved if I ever came out of the closet and I tried to teach myself not to get to close, and truth be told, I did lose quite a few people when I did.

I'm also a very genuinely happy person. I'm even happier because I have lost people I deeply cared about and I really appreciate the people I have now, even if it's not a really easy thing to show.

I'm extremely confident, more so than most people you'll ever meet, though when it comes to asking someone out, telling someone that I like them, or showing that I'm jealous (even when I have a right to be) I'm extremely shy about it.

I have very little patience for stupidity and incompetence.

When it comes to work, or projects, I'm a perfectionist. Most of the jobs I've quit, I've quit because I didn't think the work I was asked to do met my standards.

I also hate wasting time... this might have gotten in my way in the past and maybe still. I drop jobs when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, sometimes even when I need the pay. I drop people who get in my way, bring me down, or waste my time, though I think this has mostly caused me to have really high quality friendships.

I am complicated. I am both very open and closed. I'll talk about a whole bunch of things with people when I first met them, and I'll answer a whole bunch of personal questions, and I'll be totally open about things most people really consider private, but I still keep an awful lot to myself. I am both an introvert and an extrovert. Sometimes, it's hard for me to ask how someone else is doing and I'll go on and on about my projects and what's going on with me, but I'll also be the most quiet person in a group and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

If I host a party I'll talk to everyone, if I'm a guest, sometime I'll meet no one.  And I don't like loud noises or big crowds...usually, except for when I do.

When I really like someone, I try to spend as much time with them as I can, and give up my independent streak a little. I have a tendency to do things and go places I want regardless on whether I do it alone or not.

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say, and I really appreciate people I can share silence with.

I also really appreciate people who are punctual, relatively speaking. I like people who show up when a party is starting not fashionably late, or who meet me somewhere when they say they will, or are ready when they say they will be. It's really attractive.

So it being straight forward with me, and not playing games.

In the past I've tended to fall in love with people who had not romantic interest in me, and maybe I'm still that person, but I really hope not.

Let's see, the little things. I'm a painter, a writer, a great cook, I throw great parties, I'm really good with people, I'm not shy about public speaking, I absolutely love dogs more than any other animal, I like looking pretty and wearing nice clothes, I like going to nice restaurants, and if I have money I like spending it on good beer, wine, and food.

I also drink PBR out of the can and thoroughly love it, and tell a lot of the same stories over and over again. But I think I have some pretty good stories.

I write because I have to. It's kind of like breathing for me. I can't explain it.

I like to eat, and right now I feel hungry.

Big week

Big week for me. I quit my restaurant job and I am now working full time selling insurance.

I'm really nervous about that...I have to make money. I have rent to pay, a car payment, auto insurance, food and what not and I'm about a grand in on a really really bad loan that I've been taking out to get started selling insurance.

Well one thing I learned transitioning was that you have to set your priorities. When I transitioned male to female I didn't let anything become more important to me...not friends, not family, not food.

Well I'm not going to succeed at insurance at the cost of family or friends I have to make the same thing apply.

Also I have no room in my life for negativity. It just flat out doesn't help. Even if I don't get the results I desire by being positive I at least won't be hindering myself.

On top of that I was interviewed by the local news about a VHSL ruling to allow trans kids to play on their respective sports teams. I think it's great and I'm on TV saying that. And a whole hell of a lot of comments, if not most of them below the story show that far too many people are not supportive.

I'm sorry if anyone says that I'm a man they obviously haven't ever spent any time with me.

All this ignorance that surrounds trans people is really infuriating sometimes.

I wrote this as a comment.

"A friend of mine put it best when she said “when it comes to identity, there is no compromising.” I think this is a very good step in the right direction. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition; trans girls are girls, but even so, when it comes to averages males and females are much more similar than we are different, particularly as teens. Even when I was in high school before I ever took Estrogen there were girls my age who were taller than me, heavier than me and stronger than me. While testosterone does seem to make it slightly easier to build muscle than estrogen, and I have most certainly lost a great deal of my physical strength after having hormonally transitioned from male to female there wasn't such a huge difference to begin with. It saddens me that so many people who have never fought this battle with gender identity that I have are so quick to judge."